ellierigg wrote:

It’s been a month and a half....... tell me that it does get better an easier. Please.

 

Yes it does but you have to get through the Mindfuck of it all first. I won't tell you that is easy.....it'll be like you're walking on a pot-holed road and through a hurricane. But if you know in your heart and mind, strength and resilience that you want out....then it will happen. Because straightspouses tend to be awesome people.
 I hope you have support in your offline world, and you have us  

I came here 6 years ago and intend to be gone from this house by the end of this month. I had to separate the person I used to be, with the expectations I had.... and decide to live the rest of my life without the resentment I've carried around for the last 10/15 years

Elle
 

Ellierigg: 
Here is my story. 
I married a wonderful man when I was 53.  He was kind, loved me dearly, had many friends, loved to travel and ran a successful business.  I felt like the luckiest woman in the world.  Ten years into the marriage he began to dress like a woman, in public, became obsessed with drag queen shows and LBGTQ events, and eventually confessed to being sexually attracted to "some men'.  He had an encounter with a gay man at a gay resort and got an HIV test and never told me (but continued to have sex with me).  

Lots of awful stuff ensued and after living in his fantasy world for two years and realizing he would never change, I left.  Moved to another state.  Filed for and got a quickie divorce via a 9 minute Zoom hearing in the middle of the worst of Covid.  Gave away every single item that we bought together.  Banned him from contact after six months of him calling incessantly and begging me to take him back.  ("I've changed!"   No, you haven't.)  

It's been 3 years now.  I'm living near family and spend lots of time with my grandchild.  I bought a condo and made new girlfriends.  I'm working at a part time job that I love.  Money situation is precarious and I don't trust men and  will probably never have another romantic relationship, especially at my age (67).  But life is good and every day is a blessing.  I no longer have to deal with his craziness.  My sleep has improved.  My anxiety is gone.  

Leaving him and establishing a new life is the hardest thing I've ever done.  I am still angry at him for what he put me through.  He thinks he is the victim.  A "friend" sent me a photo of him last week.  He was dressed up as a woman.  It was haunting and traumatic but I put that behind also. 

You will move forward too.  One day you will look back and wonder how you did it but marvel at the outcome. 

Please take care and God bless.  

I thought I had the “perfect” marriage. I thought my partner was my soulmate. Kind hearted, caring, loving, etc…But wow was I in for a shock when it was all lies and now this “person” is trans and desires be taken care of by a man. He also came out as bi (for like 2 days after the trans bomb). When I pressed about it, it was really gay but didn’t want to admit because now I’m a “woman”.

The mindf*^% is real. I am 2 1/2 years out and find my sadness comes and goes. However I do realize now that the “perfect” marriage was in my mind and not the truth. When I examine the lies, the betrayal, the emotional abuse and mental abuse…it was not so perfect after all.

Is a perfect marriage based on deception and lies? Mental abuse when you are gaslighted thinking your partner is heterosexual? Emotional abuse of withholding intimacy?

I thought it was perfect bc I couldn’t see past the hidden deception. Perfect marriages are based on truth and trust.

Therapy really helps but I know you have to put in the work. It helps to get out and meet people and stay active and focus on yourself. I still struggle with that but hope to turn it around.

When I feel sad, I try to see the good and be grateful. I’m grateful to know I won’t die thinking I had a “perfect marriage”.

You well get there, it’s baby steps. Be well.

Ellie - I count myself one of the fortunate ones. I have three young children and married for 17 years. My GID husband is an AWESOME Dad, so we choose to co-parent together in the same household. In hindsight, I should have asked more questions because pink and red flags were present before and after we married.  We, too, will always have a special bond and he provides support in all areas except being a good husband.  With help from God, a therapist, and close confidants, I grieved how I thought life would turn out. It was necessary for the healing to begin.  I now chose to focus on the positives - 3 beautiful children we can raise together in a good home filled with love.  However, I am no longer walking around unprotected! I have protected my Financial assets by hiring a lawyer and completing a Marital Settlement Agreement signed by both parties yesterday (HOORAY). I have made the emotional detachment to understand my GID husband no longer gets to DROP my feelings, ignore my needs, or manipulate the situation.  This feels good! I am finally living life on my terms and putting my needs first! I have boundaries and demand that he respects them. I don't care what he does when he's not with our children. We love each other, but I don't consider him my friend - the wombs are still too new. However, I do believe one day we'll be good friends! We genuinely like and love each other. He has some internal issues and it's not my job to fix them. My job was to get out of harm's way. 
 

Last edited by gwendolyn_C (May 17, 2023 5:17 am)