Been there, felt that, divorced going on 10 years now and have rebuilt my life so that I am in a contented retirement.

We spend time together with our children and their celebrations but he has his significant others (serial monogamy apparently). We attend events together when they are something that is a shared interest but I have my own circle of friends and I do not allow him into my new life.

Setting boundaries has been important for me. He could have been hit by a bus but he wasn't. The result was the same in that there was no funeral, and no insurance but I needed to go about figuring out how to live the rest of my life without him.

Retirement opens opportunities to meet new people and try new things. I moved to a different community and bought a home with a yard for my gardening. It was important for me not be be where I would run into him or his friends and eventually he moved states away.

It takes time but with a good lawyer to secure an appropriate financial settlement you can build a good life. 

Hi Teewee
I am so sorry you're here. I'm 66 and I had to make the terrible discovery on my own without even the slightest clue there was anything wrong.

I too used to think my husband was my soul mate/best friend... but I've come to the conclusion that love and deception are mutually exclusive. I know I love my sons and their partners (and my dog!) and I just know I couldn't knowingly hurt any of them.

Facing retirement and a future you never expected is higely unfair, but know that you will find a new landscape over time. If you are strong enough to reach out on here, you are strong enough to weather this in your way, bit by bit.

Hi TeeWee,

Can you imagine going through your teenage years and not noticing that you are attracted to boys?

Overwhelmingly the odds are that your husband is lying to you when he says he did not know he was gay until 3 years ago when - well let's just notice this is when you found him out.  He didn't tell you off his own bat.

Presumably, like most gay people, he didn't want to be gay,  But he was watching gay porn and you caught him at it and then he told you about 'recalling the trauma' and said he was gay.  Can you imagine keeping something like that hidden from him?

Have you heard the term minimising?  Is he crying over hurting you or is he eliciting your sympathy over his trauma and minimising/totally ignoring yours?

The reality of divorce is not amicable.  It is a business transaction and you will find out just how nice he's going to be or if he is going to decide he needs to come out of it will as much as he can manage to pull off.

Protect yourself financially now.  My 'Mr Nice Guy' ex was already siphoning funds out of our joint account before I even knew he was gay.

It's not that we want to be unkind it's just that there's more to lose and so we are trying to help you wise up to your situation as fast as possible.  

The odds are that the reason he wants a divorce is because he already has a boyfriend.  The chances of playing happy families on the other side of divorce, when the business has been concluded, are low but they are best served by getting a fair split.  The chances are he wants you to be nice to him and you will need to fight to get a fair split.  Listen to your lawyer.

sorry.  It is horrible to have your life blown up at 60 but you know what I'm glad to be out of that mess.  

As Blue Bear said - he was pretending to you all along.  Do you really still believe he is your soul mate?   It's one of those things that is a common thread in our stories, I thought of my ex as my soul mate and best friend too, but I did not know him.  The person I thought I was married to was a complete pretence, when I saw that I got such a shock - I had been conducting a marriage by talking with a sock puppet and the real man stood in the shadows behind and that person, the real person is who you will need to consider in completing the divorce process.

Hi TeeWee, you sound like a really nice person and yes of course each situation is unique but thinking that your partnership is unique is another one of the commonalities of our stories.

My mother was a fan of my ex husband, she thought he was such a nice man and I was so lucky but eventually she started saying things like 'he won't fully accept you but he won't let you go.'  Then after she had a stroke she got a bit uncomfortable with his presence, she didn't want him near her.

This is a forum - we don't know either you or him, other than what we read in your posts.  You are feeling scared and sad.   You're concerned  about what lies ahead in the messy process of divorcing.  And, like us all you feel scared to be lonely and this also is a reasonable fear to have.  I found it a lot easier once I was facing it and have found it does have a way of sorting out to a nice life.

The sad is extremely reasonable too, sure is - there's a whole lot of sympathy here.

Divorce is a business affair.  it needs to be conducted and concluded.  You confer with your lawyer.  You convey information in writing.  We worked out the details of the separation agreement by email.  

You sound like a nice person.  You probably think, like I did, that the nicer you are to him in the divorce process the better the chances of being friends and able to enjoy an extended family life on the other side of it but the opposite is the case - the nicer he is to you the better the chances are.



 

Last edited by lily (May 3, 2023 4:15 pm)