JK wrote: 

"I'm SO glad everyone on this board has said that it's very common for the gay spouse to try to go back into that closet.  My husband wants to do that, instead of getting divorced.  I have told him, "You know that you are not a straight man.  You need to be honest with yourself."

Great post. That's exactly how you should handle this JK. These are the facts, the facts confirm you're gay, this is what I'm doing without you, you need to be honest and get your sh*t together. I know from experience this situation hurts like hell but you're doing the right thing and proving to be a wonderful example of strength and honesty for your children. As Emerson wrote: "Who you are speaks so loudly, I can't hear what you're saying." Your courage is helping a lot of other spouses currently hearing "it's just a phase" or "it was only one time" from lying husbands as they continue to hook up via Craig's List and surf gay porn. Be well my friend.  
 

Welcome Grace! In reply: 

"What resonated was him being a crying puddle of remorse and then telling or threatening me that he will go find another woman and be honest and straight with her. And for some reason it still would plant a seed of doubt in me that what if hes saying is true? Would I be missing out on his change of heart? Would I be sorry I did not wait for his transformation? I know I sound stupid and silly but some part of me still wants to believe him. Well, I am still going through with the divorce I just want Sean's perspective on what the gay spouse is really saying when they tell their straight spouse this. I just did not want to go back to the agony and heartbreak again but I am still ruminating on what happened to me. By reading the various insights here it somehow helps in my healing." 

A cheating gay husband saying he'll find another woman and be honest and straight with her reminds me of that funny scene in "Blazing Saddles" where Bart takes himself hostage by pointing a gun...at himself! It's absurd. This sounds like a gay in denial (or "GID") narcissist husband blowing hot and cold. You're not stupid nor silly Grace. You're kind, courageous, and a hell of a lot more honest than this twisted man still claiming he's straight in the face of overwhelming evidence. In other posts, I've referred to denial as akin to a drug or alcohol addiction. It simply warps someone beyond recognition. I also believe that GID husbands are radioactive so you're well advised to stay away while protecting yourself from all fallout. Of course you want your husband to be straight. We all want our marriages back. I didn't want to be gay. I wish I could have stayed with my wife, but it would have killed me or I would have killed her spirit through a lack of love and attention. But the truth is the truth. He's threatening you because he's losing you. Stay the course and please keep posting here. 

Lynn wrote:

He put up multiple barriers (house clean, no morning sex, nothing unless we are both very freshly showered, etc.) He said he was angry and turned off by how "aggressive" I was about sex. Which I wasn't! Due to his extensive travel schedule the most I ever even hoped for was once a week - which definitely did not happen.

I've also learned that over the years (but not since marriage) he hooked up with probably a hundred men and watched gay porn. By the way we are late 40s so those 100 men are spread over many years. His one heterosexual relationship was with a small short haired Asian woman. (I mention that only because I've read gay men often choose Asian women as partners - not sure if it is true.) that relationship did last a long time.

My husband is the same about hygiene when it comes to sex.  Shower first, bath first, etc..  When he "plans" any sexual activity it involves a shower and bath first.  I have only been with one guy before my husband and he was not bothered if I was all sweaty from a long ways drive or a day at work.  He would not wait for me to freshen up first.  Would this be a gay thing or is there straight men that's also like this?  I never thought about this before though it indicated to me that he could not be very passionate and urgent in his need to be with me.

Same with the idea that people might accidently see us.  While I would have no care that someone could peek through our window and see us (why would they do that in the first place? That never even crosses my mind), he can get obsessed about it and leave me in the middle of our make out session to make sure the blinds are all closed. 

Last one, never ever will he get worked up in public places and try to get into my pants.  I loved that about my ex boyfriend and we would rush somewhere private.  All my husband cares about is that I will hold his hand in public (for people to see he is with a woman??).

All this is very confusing, but mostly disappointing.  There is a complete lack of passion and spontaneity which I crave.



 

In response to Mrs. Lonely's last post:

1. He put up multiple barriers (house clean, no morning sex, nothing unless we are both very freshly showered, etc.) He said he was angry and turned off by how "aggressive" I was about sex. Which I wasn't! Due to his extensive travel schedule the most I ever even hoped for was once a week - which definitely did not happen.

​I think these are the 'grooming' habits of a narcissist. Not grooming in the sense of hygiene, but more in the sense of slowly controlling their partners with ridiculous rules. While I never did this, I would often turn the tables on my straight spouse when she asked for sex.

2. My husband is the same about hygiene when it comes to sex.  Shower first, bath first, etc..  When he "plans" any sexual activity it involves a shower and bath first.  I have only been with one guy before my husband and he was not bothered if I was all sweaty from a long ways drive or a day at work.  He would not wait for me to freshen up first.  Would this be a gay thing or is there straight men that's also like this?  I never thought about this before though it indicated to me that he could not be very passionate and urgent in his need to be with me.

I was never this obsessed with hygiene, I was more obsessed with avoiding sex with my straight wife at all costs. It sounds more like your gay husbands were finding ways to avoid having sex, while placing the blame on you. I did this while in full gay in denial narcissism mode. Why? Because gay men simply aren't attracted to women. So while I could always perform in my 20s or 30s, having sex with a woman always felt like I was having sex with my sister. As gay porn eventually became my sexual outlet, having sex with my straight wife was less and less interesting and required me to shut my eyes and imagine sex with men. (A number of women in mixed orientation marriages have shared that sex with their gay spouses requires sex toys and pornography in order for their gay husbands to perform.) And once I dared have sex with another man, the gender I was truly attracted to, this effectively shut the door on me ever having sex with my straight spouse ever again. I so regret the rejection and emotional neglect my ex-wife must have felt over the years.    

3. Same with the idea that people might accidently see us.  While I would have no care that someone could peek through our window and see us (why would they do that in the first place? That never even crosses my mind), he can get obsessed about it and leave me in the middle of our make out session to make sure the blinds are all closed. Last one, never ever will he get worked up in public places and try to get into my pants.  I loved that about my ex boyfriend and we would rush somewhere private.  All my husband cares about is that I will hold his hand in public (for people to see he is with a woman??). All this is very confusing, but mostly disappointing.  There is a complete lack of passion and spontaneity which I crave.

Fascintating. I think you've perfectly described the gay in denial spouse. Early on in the relationship, we're just happy to be having sex and, perhaps like me, relieved to be straight. For me it was, "I'm not gay because I can have sex with a woman and enjoy it. I'm straight!" So we can perform, for a time. However, age and pornography slowly kill all intimacy as the gay spouse secretly explores his/her true sexuality. But porn could only satisfy me to a point. I sought out the real thing by hiring escorts, then having anonymous sex with other men, and finally finding a long-term male partner. With regards to the doublespeak, blaming, and your confusion, these are all common in narcissist/co-dependent relationships. The (gay) narcissist constantly keeps the (straight) co-dependent off balance to hide his/her true sexuality. The straight co-dependent spouse goes to even greater lengths to make the relationship work, while feeling increasingly rejected, confused, and even depressed.

​Thank you for sharing Mrs Lonely. I've learned something from your posts.  

Last edited by Séan (November 11, 2016 9:20 am)

I'm so sorry I missed your post/questions. In reply:

​"My question is regarding gay porn/pics. In 2013, I discovered by pure accident gay porn videos & links to pics of naked men on my GIDH tablet.  Found similar things on his cell phone, both dating back several months. the usual ensued (denial of SSA, saying he was only ‘curious’ because of his h/o childhood sexual abuse, etc). stayed together because I believed him. of course it’s never left my mind. I can’t unsee or unknow. How soon after watching gay porn did you venture into ‘real life’ experiences? I know everyone is different, but it appears to be a common occurrence that eventually most GID men go from gay porn to hook ups. and please be completely honest (& blunt if needed) & share of any signs/behaviors I should be looking for."

​I started looking at gay porn pictures in the late 90s, then videos in the early 2000s, and I really got hooked on gay porn and videos starting around 2002-2003. Pornography actually became an addiction which I kicked via a 12-step programme for pornography addiction. I've now been porn-free for just over two years. Getting back to your question, my first real-life hook up was with a male escort in 2010 - so roughly eight years after I really started watching gay porn heavily. I started using a gay sex app called Grindr (although there also exists Scruff, Hornet and perhaps others) in 2012 after coming out to my (then) wife.

​My pattern seems to reflect what many straight spouses have shared here: from virtual cyber sex to real-life hookups. For me it started with occasional porn use, then heavy porn use, and finally hookups. With regards to the signs, I always encourage women in your situation to trust their intuition. I'd also encourage you to put aside what he's saying because if he's like me, if his mouth is moving, he's lying/manipulating. But here are the signs that I was a gay man in denial hooking up:

​1. A sudden interest in physical fitness. I got fit because I knew I needed a muscular body to hook up with men.
​2. Constantly online or on screens, but in a very private and shady way. Meaning the computer, tablet, or phone are always facing away from the straight spouse. For example, you walk into a room, he jerks, and clicks to hide what he's watching.
​3. An increase in business trips.
​4. Zero interest in sex with my wife. 
​5. Very uncomfortable with public displays of affection. After I started having sex with men, it made my skin crawl to be held by my (then) wife.
​6. I suddenly started watching very fleshy TV shows with lots of muscular guys, clearly aimed at gay men.
​7. I started wearing very colourful and revealing underwear.
​8. My wardrobe changed from bland, shapeless clothes to very fitted and colourful clothes.

​I want to stress that the above relate to my personal experience so this isn't an exhaustive list. I hope that answered your questions. If not, feel free to write again.

Last edited by Séan (November 11, 2016 10:37 am)