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1 of 1- Surviving
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The lighter side - after 4 and a half years
Thanks to all those who have posted here. I have been reading with interest and have felt validated, for want of a better term.
I'm not sure how I'm surviving but I am. Somehow. But what has helped is a sense of humour, which I can still barely conjure up occasionally.
After a shocking discovery in the garage (some highly entertaining leather, ahem - things) of what my husband might be doing on his many weekends away, I realised for the very first time he is gay. My world crashed in.
Then the numerous subsequent discoveries - too many with which to bore you. And of course, with each one, new devastation.
Then the confronting conversation. Full of the usual lies and denials. Again crushing.
Worst of all, he's still in the closet to family and friends. Except of course, those friends with the same funny, um - leather "things"... and there are MANY. New weekend, new partner.
Apart from all of the deeply hurtful betrayal, lies ... there are some things that weirdly still make me laugh:
1. The 48 hour silent treatment I had the pleasure of receiving because I called one of his many partners a name.
2. The insistence that he carry on his affair(s) whilst living in the same house as me. I have politely asked him to remove himself and all of his, "stuff" out of my home since.
I did assist him with this task once as I deposited some of it in the pond. Still hasn't discovered it.
I am beginning to like living on my own - without the "stuff".
3. Being told if I "wasn't like ... he wouldn't be gay." Oh, how I laughed. I have since realised I really am not to blame for ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. And what I am "like" is really pretty awesome, all things considered, although some days are harder than others. Still. I'm surviving.
So, there you go. A sense of humour helps.
My next step : I will choose one very, very lucky friend with whom to share my full and worthy story. I haven't said one word to any friends/family. I've only shared with a therapist. That might be an outcome of self preservation, cowardice - whatever. But now it's time.
After that, it's family, for whom I must present the truth in a way that won't destroy our love and trust for each other. Their love is what sustains me.
Thanks for suffering through what is only one layer of the whole mess.
Keep 😃. It helps.
Last edited by Surviving (April 18, 2023 3:30 pm)
- walkbymyself
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Re: The lighter side - after 4 and a half years
I totally agree with you about maintaining a sense of humor.
My ex husband was the most pretentious creature on earth, and one thing he was exceptionally pretentious about was real estate. He judged everyone by their house, or their apartment or their condo. One time, he was trying to justify his treatment of me, and in the middle of this fight, he blurted out what he thought was the cruelest, nastiest thing he could say to another human being. He said, "if it weren't for me, you would be living in a one bedroom apartment." It was all I could do to keep from bursting out laughing. I was trying to de-escalate the siituation, but it was the most hilarious insult I'd ever endured. It was one of the only times I can recall him actually apologizing -- in his mind, it was the single most degrading thing you could say to another human being.
For the record: I am now living in a one-bedroom apartment.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Surviving
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Re: The lighter side - after 4 and a half years
You've given me a good laugh today! They are so extremely self centred; so much so they cannot see how ridiculous they sound. To them , they could not possibly be anything other than the controller of the straight spouse.
Depth of understanding and empathy was not my husband's strength either, but his absolute myopic view of himself is actually quite funny.
So glad to share the lighter side with you! If you don't laugh, you cry.
Thanks for sharing!
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: The lighter side - after 4 and a half years
Sadly I couldn't help but laugh during one our arguements..I forget the exact cruel lie being screamed at me but it was so blatantly untrue and absurd I couldn't help but laugh.
Bad foe me..That did not go well for me laughing at a raging narcissts..it made me appear mean and cruel. More justification that I was a bad husband.
I will always wonder if I could have just not laughed but sometimes that is all one can do when someone is screaming at you that the sky is green.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."Â 2Corinthians 5:7
- Surviving
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Re: The lighter side - after 4 and a half years
Makes me feel better to hear other non-sraight spouses are completely irrational too. I thought I was losing it. Even began to believe it until i woke up.
God forbid you'd appear "mean and cruel"! In their minds they firmly believe in the moral high ground upon which they stand. Laughter is about the only way I get through this.
Keep laughing!!
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: The lighter side - after 4 and a half years
I can't imagine laughing about all this.
I can't even begin to imagine what my life will be like in four and a half years
Elle
KIA KAHA Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â
- Surviving
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Re: The lighter side - after 4 and a half years
Totally understand and I remember that feeling. I felt paralysed for a very long time, until the clouds gradually began to part and I could feel joy again - never thought that would happen again.
That's not to say life has been easy; it has not. Grief has left a hole in my life but the hard edge of the hole is softening.
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Thread Starter- clintonia
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Re: The lighter side - after 4 and a half years
Surviving, you sound so strong! I think you've found a great approach to dealing with this, if one has the skin for it. It's nice to hear that what is so ridiculous did make you laugh. Laughter should be advocated more as a response (if not directly to the other party).
Walkbymyself, "He said, 'if it weren't for me, you would be living in a one bedroom apartment.'" Wow. It's a good reminder that people's perspectives and sense of 'normal' can be wildly different. Yikes! Putting aside the orientation and lying issues, he sounds highly materialistic and high maintenance.
- Surviving
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Re: The lighter side - after 4 and a half years
Hi Clintonia and others on this thread. Thanks for your supportive words and even funny anecdotes - "a raging narcissist" made me laugh out loud!
It's clear to me we all grieve differently. All valid. It's taken me me 4 and a half years just to be able to look at this forum - the pain on here is clear.
I still haven't found someone uninvolved enough with my family, community ... to tell my story. (I thought it would just be too weird telling my random dog-walking friends out of the blue. They'd run a mile. 🤣)
My gh knows everyone. He refuses to tell a single detail to our grown sons, or anyone else - probably fearing a rift, but the longer it goes on the more likely relationships will be badly affected. I'm building up to telling them. They need to know out of respect for them and me. I will tell gh beforehand.
Given his past closeted behaviour he's probably just waiting for me to take this burden on myself. Who knows. HE DOES NOT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING. Cowardice is a strong word but it fits.
Accountability, acknowledgement of others' needs and humility is not his thing, and that sounds like many partners of straight spouses on here, from your stories. It was so helpful hearing my gh was not the only gay adolescent out there.
So for now its good to have caring, listening ears. I've told a therapist and you understanding people. Thank you.
Also. what helps is still being able to compete in old-lady sports. I can't think of this stuff when I'm concentrating on not dying in a race or training. It used to be that I would drive to the gym, sit in my car, cry and go home. I guess that's progress.
Hang in there all, and note the progress you're making. Sometimes the steps are so small they are hardly recognisable, but they are heroic achievements.
Last edited by Surviving (May 10, 2023 8:50 am)
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