Yes, it is okay for you to want to be with a straight man, and not to want to be in a "queer/MOM."   It sounds as if you and your fiancé have an irreconcilable difference.  Better to learn that now, before you get married, than after.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 21, 2023 2:46 pm)

Speaking from a place of too much experience.....leave now.

This is unbelievably difficult, at any time, but you are not married at this point. Don't do it. This is an irreconcilable difference and one day you will see how lucky you are he "came out" before the marriage.

I also find it very sad, and somewhat disturbing, that you had to put this in your post:

MissCandy wrote:

I hate to say it but I don't want to be in a "queer" / mixed-orientation relationship as a straight woman. Is it okay to feel this way?

I identify as straight and I would rather be with a straight man...

Since when did it become not ok to be a straight woman who wants a straight man? Why on earth are we asking if this is ok???? Everyone in the LGBTQ will be the first to shout out that they are free to have attractions to whomever they want.

My example. My stbx came out as "bi" after we had been together 16 years. I am straight. I had zero desire to be in a MOM. I do not find men having sex remotely attractive. I want a straight man, that is all. And my stbx pretended to be straight for 16 years.

He begged me to stay. Cried. Told me all about how much he loved me and was committed to this marriage for the long haul. What did I do.....I saw a sex therapist. Saw several therapists who focused on LGBTQ and those coming out later in life. Did a crap ton of research. It was hard....but....I worked at rebuilding an attraction, and accepting what my relationship had become. I'll be blunt, it was not easy, natural, or easy....and I very much regret it.

All of this was A-ok with him. He watched me struggle through all of this for a very long 3 years. We continued to sleep together but his treatment of me got worse and worse.

Then he sat down beside me one day and said "I'm gay, I'm divorcing you" and that was that. I had no idea it was coming. Stupidly, I actually thought we were doing better than ever. Turns out he was a very good liar.

I asked him if there was any room for discussion, compromise, and why he just blind sided me with this news. Turns out he was just using me the whole time until he was comfortable coming out. 20 years together. And the coming out as "bi" thing was just testing the waters.

Apparently it was perfectly fine for me to go through the trauma of altering my sexual preferences, but him even talking to me about his (let alone compromising or working together) was completely unacceptable. When I asked him why the marriage had to end so suddenly and abruptly. All he said is "I'm gay" and looked at me like I was crazy. Then told me he had zero attraction to me and hadn't for a long time.

Look into the "bi now, gay later" phenomenon. Run.

I agree, run! This person is the one setting your hair/house/life on fire.

Last edited by MJM017 (April 22, 2023 12:10 pm)

"I hate to say it but I don't want to be in a "queer" / mixed-orientation relationship as a straight woman. Is it okay to feel this way."

Why wouldn't this be "okay"?  You want to be with someone who feels the same way about you that you feel about them.  Additionally, you want to be with someone who is honest, and it sounds like he hasn't been.