OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: The Forum has been so quiet!
Grace1958 wrote:
I guess the hardest thing is that his way of coping is intimacy and I just can't manage to give more than I agreed to, and I feel like scum because of it. But if I do more I hate myself....
Damned if you do and damned if you don't kind of thing yes?
I found if there was a middle ground of intimacy it always ended up with me giving, A. taking and me feeling like crap anyway so although it took ages to decide...once the decision to say "I no longer want you intimately" was made I did not look back.
So (if I can ask) what did you agree to? What are the boundaries you put in place?
Elle
KIA KAHA
- MJM017
- Member
Offline
Re: The Forum has been so quiet!
Losing friends and relatives is a constant occurrence as we grow older. Grace, that's something you need to revisit and then recalibrate your boundaries.
You do have a right to detach from any form of intimacy with your spouse. That's a boundary too.
My late GIDXH would take what he wanted from me and went on his merry way doing who knows what with men. It was easy for me to detach as the years went on and the burdens he placed on me became too heavy to carry.
Last edited by MJM017 (April 23, 2023 6:31 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Grace1958
- Member
Offline
Re: The Forum has been so quiet!
He gets what he needs every other week. At least he knows he can depend on it. And I am "her" friend, not her snugglebuddy, I only snuggle with "him". Yeah, I know it's the same body but it's how I cope.
I'm still trying.
I think if I hadn't so much betrayal in my past I might be able to be more open. But first hubby came out as gay and left me to raise the kids with no education to fall back on, and my second partner dumped me for an older wealthier woman when I got sick. So, y'know. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop.
Hubby is a good person, which is why I stay. I'm just wondering why I can't get one "normal" relationship in my life. sigh.
There was one change. There was an inheritance that would give me enough to manage carefully on for the rest of my life, if I went into low income housing. So it's in my personal account and I now have what I guess you'd call a safety net. It helps. It matters.
But I'd rather not be alone unless he goes full trans, in which case, that's my hard line.
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: The Forum has been so quiet!
There was one change. There was an inheritance that would give me enough to manage carefully on for the rest of my life, if I went into low income housing. So it's in my personal account and I now have what I guess you'd call a safety net. It helps. It matters.
But I'd rather not be alone unless he goes full trans, in which case, that's my hard line.
That not wanting to be alone is a real hurdle. I don't know how longer this would have taken if my son hadn't offered me space in his home.
That inheritance is gold Grace 
You may stay in the safety he provides you until you decide the time is right, and that's okay. Saying no to intimacy is just a small, first step but once you take it you'll never want to step back. I am so pleased with myself that it was me that broke free first and not A. because the element of surprise was to my benefit
E
KIA KAHA
- •
Thread Starter