Lostdad,

"..But the idea of the house being mine completely is a strange thought.  I've never considered it my house.
"
Me too..  it was always our house and our money..  its just mind boggling.  

Your posts are always so calm and level headed lostdad... it sounds like your doing good.    I'm ok but still struggling with the on your own thing. I'm away from my abuser and not shaking.  She withdrew companionship and physical contact almost immediately after she slept with her girlfriend so I've been without that for a long time.   You could say I've been alone for the last several years..  but now it hits
me that I'm quite alone in the world..its just me.   

 

I continue to be shocked by the roller coaster that this journey puts you on. 

I'm almost 4 months out from "D-Day".. or maybe G day is more accurate.  I'm still all over the place emotionally.  One day I'm ok and feeling optimistic and the next day I'm a wreck again and I struggle to just get through the day. 

If anyone is reading this and they are still early on in their process..  please know in advance that your emotions will ebb and flow and change constantly as you endure this trial.  It's normal.. remember that they are up and down so that when you realize you are having a down day you can take it in stride and know that you're just having a bad day and tomorrow will be better. 


I have my custody conference on the 14th (next Monday morning).  That should be relatively stress-free since we've already agreed to everything.  Hopefully it's just going through the motions and we can get all the paperwork done.  If we are able to complete the necessary paperwork, then case goes officially into the judge's docket and i can then make my request to move up the first hearing and potentially then ask for a waiver of the waiting period and an early finalization of the divorce.  

I need this to happen soon..  I need the stress of the divorce process to go away.  I need the stress and fear of "what would happen if she changes her mind on our agreements" to go away.  I need to be secure in my financial situation being what I currently expect it to be and not different or worse. 

Most of all..  I need her to move out and leave.  The sooner this happens the sooner I can really start to heal and be my own person.   The sooner I can do that..  the sooner I can meet someone else and start a new life with a real woman.  I'm looking forward to that day. 


 

Lostdad,

Hope it does through soon for you.
I gotta say I think your anything but lost.

I'm seperated and away from my abuser but, alas,  I am lost.  I'd love to meet someone new but I was was with my lezex for so long..I don't know how to be alone...and that's no good for anyone that I may meet.  I need to learn to be confident and self loving.  I gave all my being to my ex ..disregarding myself...and that got me where I am today..no it didn't cause TGT but it got me the ignorance I have now of how to be on my own.
The other problem I have now with meeting  new people is one of judgement; reality is anyone is nicer than my ex..anyone. 
So I can't really consider anyone new until I'm ok.  And I won't be ok for a while as I have my challenges but also my lezex still there ..always ready to hurt...

Really nice to hear confidence in others.

Lostdad-

You are grieving, and rightfully so.  It will take a long time to heal, but you will.  It's been a long time since I found out my husband was TG, and I spent years alternating between depression and anger.  Like you, I am also an introvert and probably depended more on my husband than I should have socially.  Over the last few years, I've been expanding my "support system" through new activities in an effort to not be so dependent on him.  Don't know if you have a therapist or want one, but a good one would probably be extremely helpful for you.  There is nothing wrong with you, but you are in an extremely difficult situation.   It really helps to be able to talk to a human who wants nothing from you and is there to support you.

About taking care of yourself, it's one step at a time.   Try to eat relatively healthy meals and eat regularly, even when you don't feel like it.  Get enough sleep, but not too much.  If the weather is cooperative, try to get out and take a walk and appreciate the sky, the trees, the birds--sounds corny but it is restorative.  Most importantly, don't beat yourself up.  Do not engage in negative self talk.  Be kind to yourself, as you would a dear friend.  My therapist taught me something that has been enormously helpful to me when I get stuck (and I still do after all these years)- -ask yourself "What do I need to do, right now, to take care of myself?"   That answer will be different at different times, maybe you need some solitude, maybe you need to be with someone, maybe you need to listen to some sad music or happy music or get some chores done that you have been putting off or go see a movie.   I get the touch thing as well.  And I haven't had sex in over ten years.  I belong to a massage place and try to get at least one massage a month.  Obviously, that is a nonsexual massage and I would much rather have a sexual relationship with a man I love, but things being the way they are, that will have to do as a substitute for now.   Hopefully someday that will change.

In a way, I think you are extremely lucky because you are a straight man who is decent and kind.  That is a very hard thing to find.  You will find someone when you are ready.   Hang in there. 

I wrote this in another post..  I wanted to show some perspective on the pain that we go through.  I wanted to keep a copy here in my own thread for posterity. 


If you conducted a survey of random people in the world and asked what is the worst pain a person will endure in their life, I suspect most would answer "The death of your spouse".   This would certainly be a horrible experience. You would feel the loss of love, the shattering of your future and hopes and dreams, and the void of your partner in life. 
This must truly be the worst thing that could happen to a person..  

Except it isn't 

What's worse is an unwanted divorce.   Like the death of your spouse, you lose your future and your dreams, your companion in life and the love that you count on. But with divorce, you now have to deal with rejection.  The person that vowed to love you until death has now decided they don't love you any longer.  What did you do wrong?  Why are you not good enough?  Unlike death, where a family comes together to mourn and there is finality and fond memory, you are now left with a family torn apart and emotional scars from the rejection.  
Truly this must be the most painful thing that could happen to a person..  

Except it isn't 

What's worse than an unwanted divorce is when your spouse divorces you for another person.  As with the death of your spouse, you lose the future you thought you would have and the companionship from your partner.  You also feel the rejection of the person who you thought would always love you.  As this these weren't painful enough, you also have to feel the sting of betrayal.  Your spouse vowed to love only you, to be intimate with only you, in the bond of marriage, but now has given themselves fully and intimately to another person before separating themselves from your marriage.  You are now deeply wounded, stabbed in the back, and have lost trust in other people.  Truly the loss of your companion and future, the pain of rejection and the sting of betrayal must be the most painful thing a person could experience. 

Except it isn't.  

The worst thing that can happen to a person is to have an unwanted divorce when your spouse divorces you for another person of the same sex.  When you find this out you learn that your future as you thought you knew it is now dead.  Your hopes and dreams for the rest of your life are shredded and destroyed.  You will lose the companion that you've spent years of your life with.  You will feel the rejection that comes when they will leave you despite making a vow to stay with you forever.  You will feel the sting of betrayal when you find out they have been sleeping with other people.  In case all of this wasn't hard enough, you will also realize that in addition to losing your future you have also lost your past.  Everything has been a lie.  All those memories of love and joy were false - tainted by the knowledge that their love for you was not full and complete.  That they lied to you about who they were and therefor you didn't even know the person you were married to.  You gave years of your life and were lied to and taken advantage of.  You have now lost your whole life.. your future and your past.  Taken away by the selfishness of the person you thought loved you until "death do you part"

If only it was just the death of our loved one, that would be so much less painful. 

Such is the life of a straight spouse.  We endure the ultimate emotional wound.  One with layers upon layers of pain and hurt and damage.   Yet we get little support.  Somehow our society doles out support in levels unequal to need. Our society rallies around those who's spouse dies.  They come to together at a funeral and offer countless gestures of support for months and years after.  Those who's spouse leaves them are given support, yet not as much.  Those who's spouse leave them for another person are supported, often unsurely, and spoken about behind their backs as though they must have had some fault.  There is a stigma, so many people who would offer support find it easier to move along and ignore.  

The Straight Spouse;  we who are most scarred and destroyed.  Yet we often receive no support at all.  Many times it's because we don't even ask.. our shame is too great.  We are threatened or guilted into keeping the secret because it would hurt the person who hurt us.  When our plight becomes public knowledge it is often our spouses who receive the conciliation because "their road has been so hard" and because so many people want to show how open and supportive they are to LGBT communities in this new modern era of compassion and understanding.  Those who would offer support don't even know where to begin, so it's easier to just ignore.  

So we, the straight spouse, are harmed the most, but get the least support. 


That is why we are here - the Straight Spouse Network.  This community is here because only we know the real worst pain.  We get it.. we've lived it.  We will help each other live through it. 

God Bless you all!

-Lostdad