I knew my husband struggled with same-sex attraction before we got married. I just... didn't realize the extent, and how it would affect me.

Background: We are conservative Christian (aka gay=not okay). We also waited to have sex until we were married. We made out before we got married, things seemed to be okay (he was obviously attracted to me, if you know what I mean). He was always the one to stop us before we "went too far," but I thought he just had more self-control than me. He was also shamed a lot for his body when he was younger (thanks, in-laws), and is very uncomfortable with sex/bodies in general.

Well, he started turning me down for sex on our honeymoon. My whole life I was taught "suppress your sexuality now; it will be a wonderful gift for your husband one day!" Except that my husband doesn't want my sexuality. We have gradually had sex less and less often. In the early days, I'd try lingerie and fall asleep alone in the bedroom, I'd send sexy texts, only to have him get angry about it ("I was at work! What if someone saw!"), etc. 

When we do have sex, it's as vanilla as it gets. As little touching as possible. Over in a couple of minutes. I never get oral, or touched internally. When he does touch me the little bit that he does, he obviously loses his "excitement," and I have to get him re-aroused by giving him oral. I spend the entire time hyper-aware of how much he dislikes my body.

I'll admit, I've gained significant weight, but these issues started before weight gain. I honestly wonder if I subconsciously put on weight to give myself a "reason" for why he doesn't want me. 

We do have children, and I'm 26 weeks pregnant. We've had sex only a few times since I got pregnant, and it took a few months to get pregnant simply because he didn't want to have sex. He does "take care of himself" by watching weightlifting videos (big, bulky, strong men), so I know it's related to his orientation, not a medical issue or just a lack of drive.

I go through cycles of "I'm too tired from the kids anyway" to "I'm so devastated my husband doesn't want me, and I never have had a satisfying sex life, and I never will."

He's a great husband in lots of other ways, and I know he hates that he cannot fulfill me in this way. And I'm sure struggles with the fact that he will never get the sex life he wants, either. I do have compassion for him.

I just can't seem to accept that I will never, ever, be wanted the way that I have always dreamed of being wanted, you know? I will never have regular sex. I will never have someone excited to be with me. I will never get to experiment in even the most basic of ways. I'm not allowed to talk about sex or suggest sex, or send suggestive texts. I've tried telling him fantasies in case one seemed interesting to him, and his reaction was to ignore it, then get mad when I pointed it out. 

I don't know what to do. It seems to have gotten worse over the years. And we're young! I'm only 30! I don't want this to be my life!

Please don't suggest divorce; it's not an option for us. I don't know what I'm here for, just the chance that someone will understand, I guess. It's a big secret; there's no one I can talk to about this in real life, except one person, who is something of a mentor, but she is the traditional "wife never wants sex" type, so she doesn't understand the pain of such acute rejection. 

Please share how you accepted your life when it wasn't what you thought you were getting.