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April 5, 2023 11:07 pm  #1

Not sure where to start...

My wife and I have been married for the last 17 years, and the first 10 years of our marriage - I was knee-deep in alcoholism. I've been sober for 7 years, and our marriage has been rebuilding ever since. I can honestly say (and she would agree) that we are the most emotionally intimate we have been in 17 years. However, there has been one facet of our marriage that has been lacking, and that's sex. Generally it's 2-3 years between sex, although she does offer the occasional stimulation with her hand. It seemed like every time I went on a business trip, she would feel comfortable enough to masturbate. She had mentioned that all the medicine she's on for Fibro led to a severe lack of libido, and that she was checking to make everything still worked.

At one point, she shared with me some of her sexual fantasies that she had, and we had never tried, so we explored that - and for several weeks, it was awesome. I got on Amazon and was about to order some new toys - but then realized she had mentioned she had bought some, and I didn't want to have bought the same toys. So, I pull up her Amazon purchases to see what she's ordered, and I'm confronted with all the Lesbian romance novels she had been reading. I won't lie, I flipped out a little bit, and when she came home, we talked about it. She explained that she had been suggested one based on the author (who also writes non-lesbian novels), so she read it. And then more got suggested. I wanted to understand more, so I asked her for one to read. It was actually really good and at one point, I looked over and said "I think I might be a lesbian".

I shared with her that I had experimented with transgender and gay dudes in high school and college, so I was comfortable with who I was. I offered an open marriage, told her I wanted her to be happy and true to herself. She vehemently objected. She said that there's only one person she wants to be with, and that's me. But we were still stagnating sexually. We've had long, intimate discussions about sexuality, and who we are, and how it's just one component of us. I mentioned that I would call myself either bisexual, or more likely pansexual. She agreed, and said she feels the same way.

Today I came home from a business trip, and there's her favorite toy on the night stand, like clockwork. I'm a little bothered by it, so I climb into bed (way early). She comes home from the chiropractor and realizes what is bothering me and climbs into bed with me. We talk, and end up having sex (that she initiated). Afterward, we were talking, and she said, "I don't think the problem with our sexual incompatibility is you, I think it's me." She said that she felt as though she is more gay than bisexual, and she's terrified. She said that she loves our life together, she loves me, I'm her best friend and soulmate, and that she doesn't want to risk blowing all of that up, for something so insignificant in her life.

But, it explains a lot. I told her that I wanted her to be true to herself, and that ultimately I wanted her to be happy. She said that she didn't even know what she was struggling with, until we went to a comedy concert and there was a lesbian couple in front of us, and she thought "it would be wonderful to kiss her neck" and that's when she realized/got scared.

I've read Dutchman's posts, and it also seems like his wife had a similar upbringing, and seeing that he's been with his wife for 18 years after her realization gives me hope. I guess the first question I have is how do I handle this? My mind is spinning and I don't know what to do, but like her - I don't want to lose my best friend and the life we have together.


April 6, 2023 3:21 pm  #2

Re: Not sure where to start...

Preflight 😊 welcome to our Forum.

Just about every straightspouse feels their partner/husband is their soulmate and best friend. Y'know "we can talk about everything".
I believe it's this belief and trust in the person we think will be ours forever that allows  LGBTQs the space to keep how they  feel and think under the radar of the r'ship we all develop over years together.
And that belief and trust is often difficult to step back from so you can truly see yourself as an individual.

There are straightspouses here who have stayed, who've left, who have fought for their r'ship and are still with their Significant Other...and those who aren't.

You're in the right place


Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (April 8, 2023 1:57 pm)

KIA KAHA                       

April 6, 2023 3:25 pm  #3

Re: Not sure where to start...

Just to add....congratulations and respect for your 7 years sober


KIA KAHA                       

April 8, 2023 10:45 am  #4

Re: Not sure where to start...


I get the impression your relation is/has been rather platonic. Maybe because your wife is lesbian, or al least leaning that way, never allowed herself to think/explore that. Your stance in it is harder to understand. You're straight (you worked that out), but didn't the lack of sex with your wife bother you? Occasional having sex, with a couple of years in between would bother most men. Didn't you bring that up as in "I really have to talk to you about an important issue"?

When you got more hints she was into lesbian romance novels, you suggest to open up the relation (?) She objected that. Then you both objectivy the whole thing...(?)

Both your (re)actions are confusing to me. It doesn't fit the pattern. So I'm wondering if one (or both) of you could be asexual?

If this is the case you most likely get a very different dynamic in the relation then mine. Even if your wife would resemble my wife in certain aspects (lesbian without realizing it for many years), how it develops and unfolds is the result of the combination of both spouses. Me being a heterosexual man is certainly part of this equation.

That being said, it doesn't mean you can't achieve a succesful MOM given your situation. But keep in mind that both spouses are equally important in it all. Not just the obvious "villain" non-hetero part of it. If both combine their sincere will and go for it, they'll get there.

PS. Maybe I didn't interpreted your post well, so forgive me if i'm wrong in my thoughts, I don't want to insult you in any way. It's just that there are confusing aspects in your story.



April 16, 2023 3:44 pm  #5

Re: Not sure where to start...

Checking in....how's it going Preflight?

KIA KAHA                       

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