Hi Pink,

Look it's pretty simple by this stage.  The question isn't is he gay or not - yes he is, is he manipulative or not - yes he is, is he emotionally abusive or not - yes he is, is being married to him damaging or not - yes it is.   The question is how long do you want to listen to him because he will keep dishing it out for as long as you will take it - If you ask him if he is gay, he will deny it, simple as that.

So maybe where you need to start, rather than having yet another chat with him, is in self-reflection.  The hardest thing for me was facing my fears - it was very uncomfortable at the start, but it was also liberating.  Have you got any other options, can you see the possibility of a happier circumstance?

And talking with the other people in your life, have you got any family you are talking to? 

wishing you all the best, just take it one step at a time.

Thank you all for your kind comments. I am so glad to have found this forum a few months ago. I think it’s what’s kept me sane while going through all of this. Just to know I’m not the only one going through this, although it’s sickening that SO MANY of us are going through it, it helps to know I’m not alone.

Since we had the conversation, or argument on his part, it’s almost like It didn’t even happen. He’s carried on life as normal, like I didn’t ever ask if he was gay. I cannot get my head around why I’m sitting here with so many unanswered questions and he’s just living life like it’s all rosy.

I’ve had 2 glasses of wine with my auntie this afternoon and he’s due home from work soon… I may just bring up the conversation again as I have a little Dutch courage!  How sad that I only feel comfortable to speak with my significant other, the man I’ve spent 13 years with, who knows everything about me - once I’m a little tipsy. I remember when I could speak to him about anything before all this shit started. Now I’m scared. But what am I scared of? I’m scared of him leaving me without knowing what went wrong in our relationship. Because I’ve been made to believe it was me. My jealousy, my “masculinity”. I’m too manly because I argue back. I’m too manly because I ask questions. I’m too manly because I’m outspoken and confident. But these were all things he liked about me when we met. He told me the other night he liked me because he saw something in me that he didn’t have. A strong sense of self. Now I feel he is trying to rip that away from me and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t working. I am a shell of the woman I once was. My family and friends can see it and have seen it along time before I did myself.

He’s working late tonight … ok whatever. Funny that I brought up the conversation 2 days ago and since then he has to “work late”. 

I’m at a stage where I know full well my life can get better without him, but I’m so scared to be without him. I told him I’m going to see a therapist to help work out if this is all in my head and part or my insecurity and he said he’ll join me. I told him I’d rather do it alone and he can get his own therapist then maybe we can join each other. He didn’t like that I wanted to go alone and said I must have something to hide. I explained to him that I have nothing to hide but I feel him being in the room will not get us anywhere because we will just end up arguing- doesn’t matter there’s a third person involved, it would be pointless. He didn’t like that at all and so the outcome was another argument. At the start of all this, when he said he’s been sexually assaulted at the sauna, his mother told me maybe his father abused him as a child and he should go counselling on his own and then include me after a few sessions. He was not interested. And his mother quickly took her comment back. She called me the next day telling me “oh no his father definitely didn’t abuse him as a child”  I think she knows something.

Has anyone else found going to a therapist worthwhile? How did it help and what was the outcome?

I really thank you all from the bottom of my heart but I cannot find the words to reply to you individually. Honestly my head is scrambled, I have anxiety, my two children I’m sure can sense it, and I’ve just had enough really. I’m craving a love that I’ve never felt. Some loving arms around me to tell me that it’s going to be ok. I just feel like it’s not going to be ok. None of this is ok.

Last edited by Pinklady (April 6, 2023 12:06 pm)

He's not straight because straight guys don't watch gay porn.

Notice what he did when you asked THE question: "Are you gay?"  Rather than deny it and try to woo you or make you feel loved by a straight guy, he tore you down.  My ex-wife did this to me, too.  She told me that I was overweight, wasn't there for her, and neglected her rather than answer simple questions about her sexuality in light of her same-sex affair.  I swear, these in-denial folks all have the same secret playbook to tear us down.

This man is gay, and he's abusing you by screwing with your mind.  Your world is an upside-down mess because the world you lived in doesn't actually exist, and you are understandably completely disoriented.  Therapy was really useful to me because it helped me regain my footing in reality and start walking forward.

Start planning your escape.  You don't deserve this, and you don't have to put up with a jerk.
 

Just want to follow up on Lily's accurate comment about therapy.  

If he wants to come along to therapy with you, it's probably because he wants to engage in damage control.  But therapy is for YOU so YOU can sort out the mess that he's made.  Keep him the heck out of those sessions -- this is the time for you to take care of you, and to start regaining control of your life.  Having him come along to therapy is like adding an arsonist to the crew of a fire engine.

For what it's worth, I have awful experience on this front.  My ex-wife and I went to a single session of couple's therapy, which was a disaster.  She tried to use the session to paint me as a such a deeply flawed spouse that I somehow turned her into a lesbian adulteress.  Yeah, it made no sense, yet I spent weeks trying to recover from her teardown of me.  And guess what?  I was indeed a deeply flawed spouse to her because (drum roll, please)...I'm a straight dude; that's it.

Spare yourself the agony and take care of yourself.

Pinklady wrote:

........I know you’re all gonna say JUST LEAVE HIM. But guys it isn’t that easy. My two children love their daddy. Plus I am financially dependent on him.

 

Hey Pink
I've been where you are. Granted my children are older but I was financially dependent too. It took soul-searching, digging deep and eventually realising that the only reason our 32 year r'ship worked was because I was willing, for whatever reason, to overlook the fact he had a sexual bent for men. 
But from the time I found, joined and fit into the Forum I have been moving towards shrugging off an identity I let myself wear for way too long. 
There is no time-limit for this. Or at least....this is your timeline so what anybody else says doesn't mean as much as what you're feeling and thinking and doing. It has taken me 6 years, a bucketload of indecision, another bucketload of tears but once I uncoupled from who we were it became easier to make progress/see clearer who *I* was. 

Yeah I felt the financially-dependent position I'd been in was a brick wall I'd never get over. Luckily Mum left me some money that I immediately squirreled away....under my own name. It was one of the steps I took before the decision to leave him. Pink do you have your own bank account? 
My family were one of my greatest supports. Are you able to confide in yours and will they support you? (and I'm not talking money...I mean emotionally)

Elle