Pink,

I guess I understand..  my GX could act completely normal. Looking back I think she got a sick perverse pleasure in acting this way..good at it for so long .. ..almost like a one up on everyone..  ie..your not smarter than me because I have this secret you couldn't figure out. (I was shopping with her at 2am..what do you think we were doing)
..yeah im real dumb.   Not saying your husband is like that..my GX was particularly evil.

I still call it the horriblness of TGT..once we suspect they have SSA (same sex attraction) or we know they have SSA..its like the cat is out is the bag, there are no take backs. No denial or possibly even action by them can negate it and make it go away..its like its forever..will always be the elephant in the room.   

  It's so much more horrible then if they only like the opposite sex.. at least then we know they are not having sex when they meet their same sex friend for a beer.  At least then we know we have some chance of them liking us.

They have no clue of the anxiety it causes..no idea how it hurts and traumatizes.  It's even more confusing if they are attracted to both sexes...then we may as throw animals and trees in there...

It's the  horribleness of TGT..the secret mindfuck of them saying they are straight but we know or suspect they are not.

I guess their is some comfort in knowing because then we know we're not crazy.. but as many here have seen it doesn't solve anything about our position..they either hide and deny it or they say its true.. in both cases they may say  they "love" us..only for it to remain ever in the back of our mind eating away..only to come back again when we are trusting  without question. We need live in constant anxiety and vigilance looking and making sure they are not attracted to male/female/trees/animals..  its not how we are supposed to live..not what was vowed and promised..

Say you love him more and he's still hurting you..ask him why he hurt you.

Last edited by Rob (January 9, 2023 1:59 pm)

Simply put, he's manipulating you.  He wants to try to "nice" you into sticking around so he can continue enjoying his life in the closet.  Yes, my ex-wife did this to me, too, after I blew the cover off her same-sex affair and she started to feel vulnerable.  And yes, it messes with your mind, especially since my ex-wife treated me like garbage prior to discovery because she probably wanted me to leave the relationship on my own accord.  They often behave very differently prior to discovery/disclosure than they do afterward.

As for eventually confronting him about his sexuality?  Go for it, but realize you're just going to get more lies, gaslighting, and mental gymnastics.  My ex-wife eventually admitted that she was aware of her same-sex attraction before we had even met.  She had a secret, year-long affair with the mother of one of our older daughter's best friends.  She professed her love for this woman and proclaimed that she wanted to marry her within days of me blowing the cover off the affair.  She has now moved in with and married this woman, attempting to create some sort of blended family.  However, my ex-wife still tells the kids that she's straight and takes umbrage to anyone labeling her anything but straight.  If you're expecting clarity from a confrontation with him, set the bar low.  Like, get out a shovel and bury that bar.

Like I said before, seeking validation or confirmation of the truth from someone who doesn't validate themselves and has lived an elaborate, decades-long deception is a waste.  It's like asking for nachos at an Italian restaurant.

Glad you have supportive family.  They will make all the difference.

 

Last edited by Blue Bear (January 9, 2023 3:49 pm)

Hi Pink,

yes ok that's right - no point in asking him if he's gay, he will deny it.  That says a lot about how honest he is being with you so how honest are the I love you's?

My ex, honest to god, my ex thought it was beneath him to hug me.  But when it became clear I was persisting with completing the financial agreement and getting a divorce he hugged me and told me he loved me.  It's always been you and I against the world, he said as he stepped back.  There were tears in his eyes.

It was like my dreams come true, I swayed towards him but then I looked into his eyes.  They were cool and calculating, he was watching me.  I did not hug him back.  A little later I came across him in the garden and I could see this time he was genuinely upset, real tears, real emotion, I had never seen him like that - he was upset over the money.

I think you have to just trust yourself to find the right answers in the moment with your children - they're little they will still ask questions.

Being fooled in love is mind-blowing and deeply painful.  And it turns out we are all vulnerable.  For sure there is a need to contemplate those questions, but right now the question might be more what sort of a person is he to do it - it's probably better to just put your arm around your own shoulders and start thinking what your next step is.  One step at a time is all you can do but it's enough.  It's all you need to do. 
 

Last edited by lily (January 11, 2023 8:51 pm)

Hi all thank you for your comments and advice, I have not been logging on as much because I’d told myself I was wrong but holding it all in has caused me physical and mental stress so I felt I needed to have a conversation with him telling him exactly how I feel. It didn’t go how I hoped it would. I was a mess.

Last night we had an interesting conversation. I asked him why he told me he might have been masturbating to a man. He said because he thought I’d find it easier to cope with than if he was watching a woman. I told him I didn’t believe any straight man would want his wife to even imagine her husband liking men or watching gay porn. He said “well if I was gay you’d wanna help me wouldn’t you?”  I told him that I think it’s totally uncaring and disrespectful to allow me to question his sexuality with a statement like that. I flat out asked him “are you gay?” He said no with blushed cheeks. The whole time tears were pouring down my face and not once did he feel anything for me. He didn’t want to console me, just shout at me about all I’ve done wrong in the relationship. Apparently I’ve not shown him enough love or respect since we’ve had children. He told me he knows there’s better looking women than me but he loves me.

It was the first time I’ve asked him the question “are you gay” and I can’t shake the feeling that his comments back to that were strange.

Anyone else? Or I am just being paranoid like he says?

Pinklady wrote:

...... He told me he knows there’s better looking women than me but he loves me......

 

You would have needed a hug from a genuinely warm and sympathetic straightspouse after hearing that from the man who says he loves you! I won't ask you how that made you feel to have him say that because I know how it would have made you feel. What you have to do is let these unthinking and frankly unconscionable remarks fuel your resolve to change the dynamic between you and him. And remember....the more questions you ask of a man who has a secret the more fabrications you'll hear.
When I stopped asking questions, because apart from losing trust in A. I never knew if he was telling me lies or not, I found I concentrated less on what he might be doing/thinking/feeling....and more on strengthening my own self-esteem and decisions

And no you're not being paranoid. He just wants you to think you are.

Elle