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1 - Grace1958
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Giving the MOM the best chance we can
My story is in the story section and I've been quiet as we've been working on things.
He has had several months of therapy now and the movement towards being femme all the time is pretty much over. He says that with the therapist he realized he went down a rabbit hole during the pandemic shutdown. He feels comfortable saying he is gender fluid. His numbers were 75% male and 25% female.
We're still working on each of us being comfortable but for now we sleep in the same room 3 nights and separately 4 nights so he can be femme on any of those nights without me feeling uncomfortable. In the same room means in two twin xls next to each other. Close but not touching during sleep. that kind of thing.
Romance is over. Dead. Gone. I don't wear my wedding rings. This is a marriage of helpmeets, companions, convenience and I hope friendship.
If I were younger and not disabled I would probably have been gone months ago but reality says we both need each other and a companionship marriage is better than each of us living alone and lonely and broke.
There is some sex. Couple times a month with toys. Basic needs met. He has my permission to get some elsewhere and I just don't care at all anymore but he says he still doesn't want to. Whatever. I'm exhausted.
This isn't my dream relationship by any means.
I'm working to accept that this is as good as it gets.
We're planning a trip next year. If it works with my illness we'll do more. Trying to find other things to do together besides the usual romantic stuff since that isn't something I can do anymore with him. It makes me sad, but it is what it is and I don't cry every night anymore.
We came into a little money and he insisted it go into my personal savings that he can't touch so I would feel more secure. It is not enough for me to move out, it would only last 2 yrs. Also I told one of my kids what's been going on and was immediately invited to move into their home or add on, etc. Just knowing I have a place to go has lessened my anxiety but for now, as long as this companionship relationship works, I'll stick it out. Also I'm still talking to my therapist as well.
Wanted to thank everyone here.
You've been here for me when I was falling apart and I truly appreciate you.
I guess my best tagline for my marriage going forward is "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need" with a nod to Mick Jagger. and Keith Richards
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Giving the MOM the best chance we can
Grace1958 wrote:
...... Also I told one of my kids what's been going on and was immediately invited to move into their home or add on, etc. Just knowing I have a place to go has lessened my anxiety.....
That is wonderful Grace, that one of your offspring has made the offer (I keep making references to the same thing to my children lol)
I'm kinda in the same spot as you. Still together but no intimacy. It's a strange feeling being okay with it but okay with it I am 
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Gloria
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Re: Giving the MOM the best chance we can
I am happy for you Grace. I will continue to hold a good thought for you and also for Elle.
- Grace1958
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Re: Giving the MOM the best chance we can
So it's been a month more and things are still the same. I guess I call that a win. Therapy is helping him a lot, he is working more and less depressed. I get the house to myself a lot. I'm lonely but I'd be lonely if I lived alone and at least here I am not broke. I feel fortunate that he and I seem to be able to work out a situation that works for each of us so far. I still wish for a larger home where he can be her in a private space but I also recognize I'm lucky things are stable. I wish for a passionate relationship but I'm working on accepting that part of my life is over. The fact is that I need him to be around for me as my illness makes me weaker and he needs me around for the things I can do for the household that he's not capable of doing (mostly computer based and family responsibilities, both of which he is clueless about). So, while I would never have accepted this type of arrangement if I were still even in my 50s, now, in my 60s with my body wearing down and my illness getting worse, it seems I made the best decision to stay here in a MOM. We can't always get what we want, but sometimes, we get what we need.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Giving the MOM the best chance we can
... I get the house to myself a lot. I'm lonely but I'd be lonely if I lived alone and at least here I am not broke..... We can't always get what we want, but sometimes, we get what we need.
I hear you Grace 🤗
KIA KAHA
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Giving the MOM the best chance we can
...... The fact is that I need him to be around for me as my illness makes me weaker and he needs me around for the things I can do for the household that he's not capable of doing (mostly computer based and family responsibilities, both of which he is clueless about)........
Grace how are you? I logged on this morning to find, once again, the Forum full of advice from a gay man. So I reread this MOM thread and your comments about what was stopping you from moving out (your health mostly) and I thought....but if you move in with one of your children won't they know that you'd need, and be quite prepared to give you the kind of help you get from the man who changed the dynamics of your r'ship?
I trust and hope you're having better days Grace
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Grace1958
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Re: Giving the MOM the best chance we can
Hi Elle,
I'm hanging in here. An older relative of his has let us know there will be a sizeable inheritance at some point. It's likely there would be enough to buy a duplex type home with each of us having our own space and just getting together for dinner and trips to the store, etc. Then he can be she in his space as much as he wants and I can have company over more easily, etc. It's something I see more and more of where I live, couples with side by side homes in mobile home communities or buying two family homes and each getting space. Until we see what's possible I don't want to make a move. I've hung in for nearly 22 yrs of living together, I can manage another year or 2. At this point I'm just being practical. I don't want to be a burden on my kids. It would be different if I were in physical danger. The man adores me. And I do love him in a companion kind of way. He's just trying to live his truth. I want him to be able to but I just can't stomach seeing "her".. At this point I feel mostly like I'm using my acting training as a teen/young adult on a daily basis pretending everything is ok. All the world's a stage...
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Giving the MOM the best chance we can
. .. I've hung in for nearly 22 yrs of living together, I can manage another year or 2. At this point I'm just being practical.....
Sounds like a good plan Grace 😊 I'm all about being practical. I'm not willing to give up all we achieved together...25 happy years worth.... so my partner can have his freedom until I am ready (if I ever am)
As for our children ..I reckon all their houses should have Parent Annexes 🤣
Edited to ask .. Does the elderly relative know your husband is trans and your personal situation?
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (November 18, 2022 4:07 pm)
KIA KAHA
- Grace1958
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Re: Giving the MOM the best chance we can
Elle,
Hmm, I could swear I posted this answer the other day.
No, he doesn't know but being a member of the LGBTQ community all his life, I doubt he would have an issue with it.
I just want the old gent to live out his life in peace. If there is something later, there is, if there isn't, there isn't.
Seems as long as I stand my ground on insisting things stay as we agreed, we do just fine. It's when I get too generous and try to be nice that things get messy.
As I tell him. It's working. Let's not mess with it.
Have a good week!
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Thread Starter- Grace1958
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Re: Giving the MOM the best chance we can
Hello all, thought I'd post an update.
Been a bit over 3 months. Things are about as they were. I've come to the conclusion that only one of us gets to be happy at a time and it has to shift back and forth. When he is busy and doesn't either have the time or inclination to get into the dressing and the gender bending then I am happy, which I was for a couple months. It was lovely but I also let myself believe it was all "over" and things could be that nice forever. Then there was a slowdown and "she" showed up. It took me a few days to fight past the depression and then I was at least resigned to it probably being like this, off and on. He is determined to stay living where we are even when there will be enough money to move and that, I'm finding, might actually be the end of the marriage. I need him to have a basement or loft or somewhere he can be her without being in my face with it. He wants to never move again. So I have decisions to make I guess. I had covid in Feb and my illness is much worse and will be for another few months at least so it's all I can do to take care of me and the house a little bit. I hardly go out at all. If I do move, there is a 55 plus apartment complex I can go to where it is like assisted living light. Essentially there is a helper available but otherwise it's just an apartment. The low income solution I used to think was possible would now not be available for at least another 4 - 5 yrs. It's very very hard to find housing where I live. So for now I'm trying to learn to be flexible and to say no to intimacy when I know it will make me disrespect myself later on. He still does not understand why I can't just see his male/female sides as just being parts of him. I don't know why. My brain just doesn't seem to work that way. I just plain react and act differently around a man or a woman.
Anyway, still plugging along and adjusting to what is my reality at least for now. Maybe forever considering our ages....
take care all.
Last edited by Grace1958 (August 31, 2023 6:36 pm)
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