OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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1 of 1- Hailyourself
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Therapy causing more harm than good?
Hello, I am new to this forum. I'm a middle aged cis-gendered, straight female. In 2016 I wrapped my arms around my husband to give him a hug and discovered he was wearing women's undergarments. Over the course of the last seven years we've come to terms with him being a trans-female. He hasn't changed his name or pronouns yet so that is why I'm using "he". He started therapy in 2019, self initiated. He picked the only practice in our county advertising LGBTQ service along with family counseling. It was our first therapy experience. He started, I followed, engaging in couples counseling with him, then I also began individual, then we placed our son in individual therapy as well. The therapy practice was fraught with personnel issues from the jump which soon became evident. Our couples counselor quit, and we were assigned my husband's individual counselor, who is also the practice owner, for our couples counseling. Then my individual counselor quit and I was assigned the practice owner's daughter who misdiagnosed me with BPD based on my history of depression and abandonment issues. I eventually pulled myself and my son out of the practice due to the therapists cross sharing info with their own interpretations with other family members, without the permission or the presence of said family member. My husband remained for about 6 more months where they charged him more per session. I found out later his therapist focused almost exclusively on him getting a divorce vs working things out with a goal of preserving what little semblance of family unit we had left. She went as far as to refer him to her own divorce lawyer and told him he already lost everything. Please keep in mind. I have never told him that he couldn't transition. I told him the truth always. That I wanted to be friends but was no longer interested in romantic pursuits. I require honesty and full disclosure. Priority one is always our son. I wasn't opposed to more space and possibly different residences but I never told him he had to go or that I would leave. I have always encouraged, to the point of nagging, for him to spend more time with his son, including sharing his gender journey with him. As his transition rapidly esculated with therapy, I spoke with him about both divorce and separation, as I needed space. It was painful. I was constantly verbally thwarted as I still am, with every discussion about separation... I am a SAHM and primary parent, he owns his own business. He holds all of the financial cards and is definitely using them and the love of my son as a means of control. Eventually he too left the therapy practice after she engaged him in a mandala exercise and whatever came of it made him feel depressed and dark. He has another therapist now, but my husband's expectation of a therapist is a person telling him exactly what to do and this current therapist doesn't do that. So he is unsure of how he feels about her(she is also trans). I will never know the damage that therapy practice did. I will never know if our family could be in a better place right now. I firmly believe that they blasted my husband out of the closet with minimal support for his journey, and nonexistent support for our family holistically. Have any of you experienced such a thing? Feel free to share and thank you!
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Therapy causing more harm than good?
Welcome to our forum Hail. That's quite a Mindfuck you have there ;)
Why do you call yourself a cis-gendered, straight female?
You're a woman. This site is for men and women who shouldn't have to use trans-language to define themselves.
Again...welcome
Elle
KIA KAHA
- MJM017
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Re: Therapy causing more harm than good?
I have had therapists who needed therapy more than me. I would report these people to your local licensing board. I doubt you and your family are the only ones they did this to.
As for your h's current therapist, you can voice your concerns to your husband. The decision is his though. In my area, a SAHM can file for divorce and have the spouse pay for it. I'd suggest interviewing a few family law attorneys to see what your rights and obligations are in this marriage in your location. It varies depending on that.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Hailyourself
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Re: Therapy causing more harm than good?
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Welcome to our forum Hail. That's quite a Mindfuck you have there ;)
Why do you call yourself a cis-gendered, straight female?
You're a woman. This site is for men and women who shouldn't have to use trans-language to define themselves.
Again...welcome
Elle
Thank you. It is indeed quite the mindfuck. I used Cis not because I am a great proponent of the moniker. I do try to be an ally in my situation . I can tell you this situation makes that feel very difficult some days. When someone is gender dysphoric, it's my experience after these last seven years that no amount of allyship seems to be adequate. They are asking you to fill a bucket full of holes from an empty well with a broken pully. I think I heard in one of the our path podcast episodes, this being one of the few situations where a spouse hurts their SO and then expects the SO to cheerlead for them over the very thing that hurt them.
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Therapy causing more harm than good?
"...no amount of allyship seems to be adequate." This is my experience with my ex AGP TIM. I decided that with each step I'd take to affirm or accept, the stakes would be raised. And of course he never believed I was doing enough, no matter what steps I took.
Those therapists are unethical and should be reported to the licensing board.
If you haven't visited a lawyer to see what your legal and financial rights are, please do. What we think (they hold the cards) often overestimates the case. You may be entitled to support; your son is certainly entitled to it.
As for cis....what I say is, if a trans person can define for themselves what they are, so can I. And I reject "cis" as a concept. "Cis" is defined as a woman who is happy with the gender expectations for her sex, which has the effect of normalizing hyper femininity in females. "Cis" is a made-up concept, made up by trans-rights activists to normalize transness and render it as just one more variety of woman (or man). So my position is "don't cisgender me." I am a female (by the way, you can't be "trans female," because no one can change their biological sex, even when they begin living as if they were women), a woman.
- Anon2222
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Re: Therapy causing more harm than good?
I have to say, going through what I have been through....I am not a cheerleader for the LGBTQ.... crew.
I have read a lot of other members stories and seen so many similarities. And, I just find I can't support the whole thing. Seeing how awful so many straight spouses are treated, and the level of cruelty, and how crappy we get treated for not "supporting" our spouse enough. I'm over it.
Honestly, I find the whole concept of trans women to be degrading to women. This premise that all a man has to do is decide he's a woman, and therefore he's a woman, to me, is incredibly misogynistic. And then the whole drag queen thing....where they coat on makeup, put on giant fake boobs and prance around....like, it's insulting. And I find it really gross that these men are portraying "women" like this.
Right now, where I live, there is this huge trans push going on. They are holding rallies, and holding drag shows in libraries for children. There were protests to this, but then the city passed a law where anyone who protests is committing a hate crime and will be fined.
My work is jumping on the band wagon and wants to do all this promotional stuff. We're supposed to dress in rainbow colors and take media pics and then do shorts on how much we support the community. They then want us to share on all our social media.
I said no thank you and declined to participate. I've gotten some judgement for this, but I don't care. I will always treat everyone with kindness and respect. And treat everyone the same. But, personally, I don't agree and I don't want it shoved in my face.
- Lynne
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Re: Therapy causing more harm than good?
Dear Hail,
Sorry this is happening to you. Nothing like being further traumatized by people who are supposed to be helping. They sound more like trans activists than caring professionals. There is a world of helpful information from the therapists on the podcasts called Gender: A Wider Lens. They discuss many of reasons behind why people think looking like the opposite sex would benefit them and other issues.
Hugs
- Hailyourself
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Re: Therapy causing more harm than good?
I have to say, going through what I have been through....I am not a cheerleader for the LGBTQ.... crew.
I have read a lot of other members stories and seen so many similarities. And, I just find I can't support the whole thing. Seeing how awful so many straight spouses are treated, and the level of cruelty, and how crappy we get treated for not "supporting" our spouse enough. I'm over it.
Honestly, I find the whole concept of trans women to be degrading to women. This premise that all a man has to do is decide he's a woman, and therefore he's a woman, to me, is incredibly misogynistic. And then the whole drag queen thing....where they coat on makeup, put on giant fake boobs and prance around....like, it's insulting. And I find it really gross that these men are portraying "women" like this.
Right now, where I live, there is this huge trans push going on. They are holding rallies, and holding drag shows in libraries for children. There were protests to this, but then the city passed a law where anyone who protests is committing a hate crime and will be fined.
My work is jumping on the band wagon and wants to do all this promotional stuff. We're supposed to dress in rainbow colors and take media pics and then do shorts on how much we support the community. They then want us to share on all our social media.
I said no thank you and declined to participate. I've gotten some judgement for this, but I don't care. I will always treat everyone with kindness and respect. And treat everyone the same. But, personally, I don't agree and I don't want it shoved in my face.
I hear you Anon2222. I can say that I definitely felt myself to be more of an ally until this happened to me. And I can appreciate and empathize with those who feel like things are being shoved in their faces right now. That said, I want equal rights for people. I want people to live their lives the way they need to. I feel like a lot of us are in the positions we are in, in this awful club, because people didn't have the tools to be who they needed to be from the jump. Of course we know that's not the case for everyone. But I think more often than not it is. But I definitely respect your opinion and empathize with your feelings because I share some of them. Some days I just don't want to hear any more about the trans experience. I'm tired of hearing about it all over the time. All over the news etc. Because of the situation I'm in it feels like it's just opening wounds.
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