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March 29, 2023 3:38 pm  #11

Re: Idk what I need...

Hi Gwen,

I didn't even think of that as something I needed to address. It's a family birthday party- family gets invited. I'm sure they are "her chosen family" so to her it's fine, but of course for the rest of us it was completely inappropriate and rude. It's almost like, why didn't I make sure she was straight before I married her? I'm trying to figure out how to set boundaries with her and also imagine what scenarios might happen, and set boundaries there too. It's nearly impossible.

The thing is, people with BPD are HYPER sensitive to criticism and abandonment, whether it's perceived or real. Like off the charts sensitive. So any boundary I set, I have to also expect her to blow right through it because that's historically what happens. If I point out that a boundary has been crossed, or any feedback I give that's less than a glowing endorsement at all, is perceived as criticism and becomes an argument or it gets flipped back on me and I get blamed. So to be honest, it often requires less energy to just deal with things as they come instead of putting up boundaries. I wish I knew a better way- if you have suggestions, I'm open to them. Limiting contact is the only thing that helps so far.


March 30, 2023 9:05 am  #12

Re: Idk what I need...

Mpls - I don't want to sound too harsh, but it's no longer your job to silence your requests (self-preservation). She has to learn how to cope with boundaries, BPD, and life. Limiting contact and keeping distance will help.  


April 1, 2023 8:01 am  #13

Re: Idk what I need...

I know what you're saying. I still have to get through mediation and actually work with her to deal with this stuff. "She has to learn to deal with it" sounds nice, but she's not. She blamed me for our split because she can't handle the responsibility. She blames the church, her family, society and somehow, ME for her situation but won't own what's she's done to me. Regardless of what's just I have to deal with reality. It'll be her job to deal with her issues when a divorce decree is granted. I do care about her and want the best for her, but that isn't in play here. This is strictly pragmatism. Limiting conflict helps everyone.

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