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March 29, 2023 1:05 pm  #1


I am not sure what to do my wife is a lesbian. It’s a long story but I feel it’s a story you all have shared a similar experience and can relate. I did post it under our story if you want to know more. After the multiple affairs, I’m at a place where I am no longer going forward with our marriage. I feel like I haven’t been married for the last two based on behaviors but I was still honoring it. I’m ready to move on but she has still not came out yet to anyone but close friends and these women she was cheating on me with. I really have not shared with anyone and planned to tell my family but she is telling me I do not owe them anything. She does not want me to share the details nor the fact that she’s gay. I do understand that is not my story to tell but I’m still part of the story. She says she’s afraid of what my family might say to our daughter at some point. She is actually how  I ended up here saying if I needed to share I should seek something out like this page. How did you all handle this is it wrong for me to share what’s been happening to those closest to me and who support me. How do they understand what’s going on with me or do I have to continue to keep this secret until she’s ready to share with the world? I’m exhausted and I’m tired. She asked me to wait I did but learned what she really wanted was to continue what she was doing but was afraid to lose me. I am done waiting or putting my life on hold and I’m tired of suppressing my feelings of the situation. Would love to hear all of your experiences with similar situations. What did you all find helpful what would you avoid. Thanks in advance to those who reach out.


Last edited by Humblehusband (March 30, 2023 8:31 am)


March 29, 2023 5:09 pm  #2

Re: Stuck

When you say "this is not my story to tell" I think you are wrong. It is your story. You're ready to move on, she has come out to select individuals, but doesn't want to do so to the people that matter the most to you. This is controlling behaviour. It also suggests she can't handle the guilt from her multiple affairs.

As for what your family might say to your daughter, I think this is also a crock. It sounds like she is around 5 yrs old. Who in your family would dare broach this topic with her until she's an adult ? I'd also mention that your daughter does need an age appropriate explanation for any changes that are about to happen.

Not sure what you can do. Perhaps keep quite for now, but proceed with moving on. Assuming you mean divorce, get the legalities, custody, visitation and stuff settled. Then you can tell your story to whomever you wish. You want the court order that says you get X amount of custody or visitation time so that she cannot use it as more leverage to control you with.

I hope this is helpful.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

March 29, 2023 6:07 pm  #3

Re: Stuck

Yes to everything Daryl said and I'd like to add that I don't agree with your wife saying that you don't owe your family anything - they are the ones most affected by what's happening with you and you have every right to tell them.

I read your story and controlling behaviour is what it looks like to me too - from the git go.   

Yes, it might be a good idea to just quietly observe for a short while and not show your hand.  But don't delay opening up and talking to others, here is a good start, family is the best.

Wishing you all the best.

You have every right to talk to your family in confidence if that is what you want to do. 


March 29, 2023 6:23 pm  #4

Re: Stuck

Evening - sorry you are going through this. My nearly ex (if she would just sign the papers) is the same. I believe mine has NPD, but she is VERY controlling. She said to me at one point, "you dont get to tell your mom, its my story to share". Now, you dont know me, but I am not someone who yells or demeans, but this was a key turning point for me. I looked her dead in the eyes and said "You have lost you fucking mind, if you think you can dictate to me what I do and do not tell my own mother". I had already told my mom everything at that point, but what it showed me was that all of it to that point (and till this very day) is about HER, not about me. She was only concerned for herself when she had the affair, not me. Only concerned for herself, not our 3 kids. 

Every situation is its own, that said, sounds like a big similarity. You tell who you need to tell. I got through mine much faster than most because I live in one city and work in another. I had plenty of people to talk to, therapist, friends, co-workers, and that helped me tremendously. Further, letting go of the idea that I had something special for 23 years....I didn't. It was one sided. The further I get from it, the clearer it becomes, I am sure time will do the same for you.

Hold on, it does get better, but you'll need to go through it all first. Be well my friend


March 29, 2023 10:10 pm  #5

Re: Stuck

Humble, Blackie,

Yes as they lose control they become very angry.

I also was told not to talk to my family...but it was so obvious then I was being isolated.  I think once they have an affair they forfeit all rights and privileges to tell us what to do.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

March 30, 2023 12:43 am  #6

Re: Stuck

Humble....I had to wait till the switch flipped and I no longer saw my r'ship was worth saving ..until then I kept trying, failing, dreaming of better times, compromising, counseling.... Hoping

When I came to the end and had no ideas or answers left I began to disconnect from an empty r'ship and save myself with the help from family and friends and advice and strength-giving from the good people here.


KIA KAHA                       

March 30, 2023 8:32 am  #7

Re: Stuck

Thank you to all those who have taken the time to respond. You all have giving me things to think about and I appreciate you all showing support because the good lord knows I need it right now.

     Thread Starter

March 30, 2023 11:00 pm  #8

Re: Stuck

My ex-wife became furious when I started telling people she was not straight.  She had controlled my entire life by sucking me into her lie, and she hated losing control as her fake life started to fall apart. She became very, very angry about losing control.

This is your story to tell to anyone, my friend. And you will likely feel better when you do because YOU will start controlling your story at long last. Why should people assume the marriage failed because you are a crappy husband or some other stupid reason?  They deserve to know the truth just as much as you deserve to live it.


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