I will do my best to keep this short I just need to share my story. I’m at my wife 10+ years ago and instantly we were good friends. Our friendship grew ultimately we started dating which eventually led to our marriage back in 2016.

She was my best friend. Over the course of our first few months she revealed her past in bits. First she told me she had dated women before but as our relationship grew she confided more and ultimately I would learn she had a girlfriend named (out of respect I’ll just say S) and they got engaged. I do not believe her family knew or knows about this. According to my wife this ended due to her partner leaving her for a previous ex. I share this detail because it comes up later. Despite all of these revelations our friendship grew and are feelings grew for each other. Eventually we got engaged. Yes we were intimate and both initiated it it never felt forced and I truly think we were in love at this point of our lives.

Knowing what I knew of her past, prior to getting married I did go to her and ask if this was something she truly wanted. I even asked if she still needed to explore her past feeling for women or seek closure from what happened with S. She assured me these were all non-issues and that this is what she truly wanted. Seven 2016 we got married. In 2017 we moved closer to our family and away from mine. In 2018 we struggled some but all marriages have ups and downs. However, during this time I caught her being way too cozy with an old male friend from her past to the point she was sending inappropriate snaps. Looking back I should’ve realized what this would mean later and ended it all right then. However after his event I really truly thought we were stronger and we seem to be better. A year later we ended up having our first and only child. Life seemed good.

Kids definitely change the marriage anyone who says they don’t is lying a little bit I think if we’re all being honest. I was ready for this. I was not ready for the post partum that followed. While I know my wife was struggling I don’t think people realize what a struggle it is for the spouse everyone telling you to be supportive everyone asking how your wife and your child are but no one asks about you. You fake a smile you do what you think is right. Yet you were struggling everyone is struggling and this goes on. You think you’re communicating But after future marriage counseling you realize you’ve never really were. This goes on for a year and that’s where the story begins that led me to this forum.

in 2020 my wife came to me and said that she wanted to try to reconcile with her previous fiancé. What I didn’t know at the time was she had actually seen her and already been intimate with her. She played it off as if she just wanted to be friends. She had mentioned this person was planning to come to our city and she wanted to talk I trying to be supportive agreed this should happen because I felt like it would help her healing but I was completely taken back when she said she wanted to do this on her own  And thought it would be OK to meet her at a hotel. I told her I was not comfortable with this and wanted to be present if she was going to a hotel since we were in a pandemic but she completely dismissed this idea and didn’t want me to meet this person. This set off multiple red flags and I became very concerned. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with this idea and did not want her to do this. Needless to say a few weeks later she lied to me where she was going and she actually did meet up with this person. I confronted her and I’ll never forget how she looked me in the eyes she was crying and she lied straight to my face. Soon after I learned they were having an affair I was devastated. I asked her to do marriage counseling with me and she agreed and so we begin with our therapist I was all in. I tried to follow everything our therapist said and I was under the impression my wife was doing the same. However fast forward to January I learned she had never stop talking to her ex fiancé and that they had continued to see each other. I learned this with her ex fiancé reached out and told me she was coming to Our city and I needed to get used to the fact she was going to be around. This apparently text my wife off because she finally ended that relationship. She apologize she said she was sorry she said this was just a thing because of who this person was and it wasn’t about her or her sexuality at the time. However I would soon learn that it was in fact or sexuality. Following this event I caught her in two other affairs. The next affair was with another previous girlfriend and again I think I was lying to myself at that time this was just some thing because she had feelings for these people previously. However this last one was a person she didn’t even know prior to the start of it all.  I’ve had a lot of conversations and she has finally confided  that she is a lesbian.

So now I’m here that’s my story. I am exhausted for three years I was fighting for my family that I know doesn’t exist at least in the capacity that I wanted to. If I truly love somebody how can I keep them from being their authentic self? However how do I move forward allowing me to be my authentic self. I struggle with the fact that my wife has taken intimacy away from me. Saying she just does not need sex but then she was going out and getting it from other people. I feel crazy I was trying to hold on so hard and I feel like I was making the situation worse. I was constantly concerned about where she was going I would ask her questions. She told me I was suffocating her and she felt like she was being watched and honestly the way she was because she kept telling me she wanted our life and I was just seeking some kind of validation that she was being sincere when she was saying that. I would never get that.  I’ve learned to relax and let go and it is like a burden off my shoulders. It’s scary as heck though. What’s been hard as I do not feel like I have anybody I could tell I was afraid if I did tell friends or close family that if we had stuck it out they would look down on her for it. I guess I felt like I need to protect her even though I do not feel like she tried to protect me at all. I’m not mad at her for being herself but I am extremely upset and devastated at how the whole situation was handled. I lost my ability to trust people, I lost my ability to believe in the good of people, I lost my ability to trust my wife, and I lost my best friend. I don’t know where life goes from here it’s scary which is why I’m here. I have been talking dissolution/divorce but my wife keeps dragging her feet and she says she doesn’t want to lose me and I’m her best friend. I know for my mental health I cannot ever let her back in.
I guess what I wanna know at this point what does helped you all move on. For those of you with kids how is your relationship been in coparenting. She wants to be friends I’m not sure I can handle that. She is afraid I hate her I don’t hate her just very sad at the situation and if I’m being honest I really don’t like how I was treated or her actions. How do you protect yourself moving forward? These are just some of the questions I have. I look forward interacting with some of you. if you’re still reading this thank you for taking the time to let me share my story.

Yours truly,

A humble husband

Last edited by Humblehusband (March 29, 2023 9:38 am)