OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



March 27, 2023 10:12 am  #1


Is she gay/my story

So I'm not sure if she's gay.  I mean, I'm here, so I do suspect something.  I have no proof, only a gut feeling.  We've been together for about 13 years, and have 2 kids together.  This is what I got so far and I've been doing a fair amount of reading and research to see if there is anything there.  For years, I've been trying to understand our deadbedroom.  What started off as hot and heavy, or so I thought, tapered off rather quickly once we became serious.  It kinda led to a breakup we had about year 2, but then we got back together and she became pregnant.  This led to no sex for about 2 years until I started bringing it up again, and only when I brought it up, we would for about 2 weeks and then full taper off.  Rinse and repeat.  Every 6 months or so I would bring it up, get a different reason as to why it was so sparse.  Eventually I got so tired of it and told her I was going to end it.  Of course, she poured it on for about a month until she got pregnant again.  Then that was it.  That was 5.5 years ago.  No intimacy since.

During this time she was, and still is a workaholic.  She also is ADHD so she takes prescribed Adderall.  I blamed both of those things for the reason why and told her as such.  I had dived into research on those two things and intimacy is an issue with both.  So I thought I found the reason.  Still...it wasn't making a lot of sense.  Something was just off.  I kept reading to try to understand where in one forum I was reading where some guy said his wife came out as a lesbian.  I thought...no.  No way.  We had kids.  We had a passionate beginning.  But why not, so I asked her.  Twice.  During this time she had a married friend/boss that she got close too.  The woman is a little masculine, and frankly my SO is a little bit as well.  The woman quit her job, but she and my SO had gone on a few trips together and had long late night talks behind closed doors.  I was a little concerned but my SO had so few friends due to her working all the time and socially withdrawing.  Till one night, as I was suspecting it wasn't on the up and up so I eavesdropped.  Usually they're talking about work (or the parts that I have heard before) but this time my SO's voice was different.  Lighter.  I can only hear the one side of the conversation, but I heard "I miss you too" and "I kissed you when you were going to sleep" while they were on a trip together.  This was a year ago, and I thought WTF?? 

Eventually their friendship somewhat dwindled so I brushed it off.  About 6 months ago we had yet another talk about our lack of intimacy.  This time she told me it has been too long, and I've been acting resentful about something.  Frankly I am resentful.  All she was doing was working and leaving me with dealing with the kids.  So I said I would back off.  In a text after, I had also said that I have only 6 months more of dealing with this, whatever it is.  She told me she didn't read any text I sent, but I doubt it.   Well in the subsequent 4 months, I backed off resentment , and she took that time to work even more.

So here I am 2 months out from my deadline and so I've been doing a lot of research.  Especially here.  And it's possible she's a lesbian but I have no direct proof.  If anything it's all locked in her phone.  Lesbians don't use Grindr so I really just don't know.  She's not going to tell me or admit it.  Women can have many reasons for zero intimacy.  In short this is all I got:

-Something generally feels off
-Virtually no intimacy unless there is a threat to the relationship.  Oh and she can turn it on, like a performance, on the times we did.
-Is a workaholic, and avoids intimacy and hanging out with me (and the kids at times too)
-Had a close "friend" that had some sort of intimacy with
-Can have some masculine qualities
-had given me multiple reasons why (She feels fat, She's too stressed, We have no closeness, I have resentment, it's been too long...each excuse used at a different time)

I guess regardless it needs to end, but of course we have two well adjusted kids who do not see their parents close, and on some level I do still love her, but over time that has been chipped away along with my self esteem as I have thought it was me for the longest time.  Thanks for reading.  Opinions welcome.

 

March 27, 2023 11:22 am  #2


Re: Is she gay/my story

"..my SO had gone on a few trips together and had long late night talks behind closed doors.  "


So sorry.  But that does sound like my GX and her girlfriend in the beginning ..over 500 texts a day between them.. started out as an emotional attachment..I could feel the shift emotionally from me to her girlfriend.   Suddenly I was this roommate or horrible husband.   Then they went away together for a "girls weekend" and she never touched me again.

But it was the emotional shift I could feel in my bones. 

So very sorry but her lack of being physical with you does  ot strike me as that of a normal heterosexual woman. If I look back my GX also never initiated..I was conditioned to think it was normal.  I only know she a initiated a number of times based on the number of kids I have.

I hope some of the woman here chime in and tell you if it sounds normal. I think it is not...we should be enough for our spouses both physically and emotionally..we should be more than enough.

Thoughts of fortitude and encouragement.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 27, 2023 12:45 pm  #3


Re: Is she gay/my story

Hockeyguy wrote:

So here I am 2 months out from my deadline .....

Hockeyguy... Welcome to our Forum. You're in the right place 😉

The time limit you gave your wife was very bold... I waited 3 years for my partner to get better at communication (about us) to show he cared more about *us.

After 3 years it was me who said I no longer wanted to be intimate and waited 3 more years... I know I know sucker for punishment lol ....but I'm in the process of separation now.

I hope you keep to your ultimatum. It sounds to me like your wife enjoys the privilege of having you as her heterosexual cover and if she's anything like my partner she'll be okay with hiding behind you as long as she's able to 'be who she really is'.

It's you who has to change this. Do it on your terms before she decides to do it on hers.
Have you seen a lawyer yet?

Elle



 


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 27, 2023 12:50 pm  #4


Re: Is she gay/my story

Hockeyguy wrote:

Till one night, as I was suspecting it wasn't on the up and up so I eavesdropped.  Usually they're talking about work (or the parts that I have heard before) but this time my SO's voice was different.  Lighter.  I can only hear the one side of the conversation, but I heard "I miss you too" and "I kissed you when you were going to sleep" while they were on a trip together.  This was a year ago, and I thought WTF?? 

Hello hockeyguy,

Sorry you find yourself here. I'm a straight woman and have never had a conversation like that with my female bosses or female friends. IMO, your wife doesn't sound straight.

My marriage started out wonderfully. It became clear to me my late GIDXH wasn't really the man I thought I had married.  I didn't get concrete proof until I saw him on social media propositioning a masculine looking trans woman. We were divorced and he had passed away when I saw this. My only regret is that I didn't leave sooner.


 


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

March 27, 2023 12:53 pm  #5


Re: Is she gay/my story

I'm sorry you are here.  My ex-wife started hanging out with the mother of one of our daughter's friends, took the trips away with that woman, spent oodles of time with her to the detriment of our family, and started having similar physical interactions.  They always seem to start their lesbian awakening with a close friend or co-worker.  Always.

So what you do know is this:  your relationship lacks physical and emotional intimacy, she's not being honest with you, and she's obtaining emotional and physical intimacy outside of your marriage and with a woman.  My guess is that this is not the marriage you expected, and it violates the boundaries you thought she agreed to when you got married.  If she's zealously guarding her mobile phone (my ex-wife would text her girlfriend hundreds of times a day and guarded her phone with her life), you've got another sign.

PS:  Have you ever gone away with a guy friend and kissed him?  Yeah, me, neither.

I was in denial for a long time after I blew the cover off my ex-wife's same-sex affair.  Living like this was unacceptable to me.  It's a challenging journey to move past this nonsense, but I assure you the journey to the other side is worth it.  And it is 100% NOT YOUR FAULT.

Last edited by Blue Bear (March 27, 2023 12:54 pm)

 

March 27, 2023 3:17 pm  #6


Re: Is she gay/my story

Thank you all!  

Rob - It appears that them meeting someone that awakens the lesbian in them starts about the same.  That one special friend.

Elle - the timetable seems bold, but considering I had had enough 5 1/2 years ago, really my timetable is about the same as yours.  Kid #2 put all that on hold.  In truth if she really is gay, there's no point in prolonging anything.  I'm not going to change her orientation any more than mine can be changed.  I wish she would be honest so I can get over it and stop trying to find ways to fix it.  If she's not gay and I'm wrong, well, she's taken no steps to help to resolve these issues and still isn't being honest.  I feel like I'm in some odd purgatory or waiting room.

MJM - It was very odd to hear that partial conversation.  I'm sure she'll deny ever saying it, but coupled with the items I listed and other odd things, it all makes sense.

Blue Bear - I think you're right about the lesbian awakening with a close friend or co-worker.  No matter orientation, men and women are different.  Men are going to look at porn sites, and find other ways to seek out intimacy, starting with the physical, whereas women tend to have the emotional first before physical.  Obviously not all but I'm guessing in general.  Oh and this 
"PS:  Have you ever gone away with a guy friend and kissed him?  Yeah, me, neither"
made me LOL!


MJM - my regret

     Thread Starter
 

May 3, 2023 3:07 pm  #7


Re: Is she gay/my story

I would think she will just run the clock down without any honesty. I have been in discussion with a guy who is suffering the same sort of anguish as us. We all want honesty, that is all. As men, we like to make the right decisions based on the right information, The poor guy I have been trying to help has this to deal with:

Apparently his wife has been seeing a brash tattooed women from work and he challenged her about why she was spending so much time with her instead of with him and their two kids. She eventually turned round and said that she loved this other woman and she had been having regular sex with her for months. That they wanted to be together and were looking at houses.
The guy then says
“What?? You are a lesbian now?”
She replies “Errgh! No, I am not a lesbian”

Honest to god true. He is having to stay at home with his kids while his wife is out “not” being a lesbian.

So, do not ever expect a straight answer even when everything is there in plain sight.

5545 days.
 


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum