Not to take anything away from what Sean has to say, but straight men DO NOT find men sexually attractive. Period. We may be able to recognize when men are objectively attractive the same way you would identify that the sky is blue. It's an understanding of what people commonly consider attractive as an objective fact, not based on personal desire for straight men. 

Thank you for writing Masterly. For context, I've taken the liberty of reading and re-posting your original share: 

1. Hi, I walked in on my husband of 7 years yesterday sitting in front of his desk with one computer facing down towards his naked crotch with a live video going, and the other monitor broadcasting a Trans female cam model. I was previously unfamiliar with this type of platform that allows mutual broadcasting of sex acts in a live and participator chat + video mutual masturbation experience.

Alarming! This is sometimes referred to as "camming" or "cam sex." From what I understand, it's a huge industry. While closeted and shortly after coming out, I myself had a terrible porn addiction. Based on my knowledge about this addiction and based on 8+ years in recovery thanks to a 12-step program for porn addicts, I understand that there is a common progression. And that progression goes as follows: the younger porn addict steals glimpses online; then later starts watching full porn clips; and eventually spends hours each day watching. When the "high" of regular man/woman porn inevitably wears off, the porn addict starts watching more new and novel pornography. This is often when he/she might start watching trans porn or perhaps even porn outside of their sexuality. When that is no longer enough, the addict may start paying for cam sex and this inevitably leads to a real-world encounter. 

2. He has never expressed any interest in men of trans women before, or porn at all. I am open to porn, but to me this "live sex" experience crossed a line.

I agree that it's cheating. 

3. I also learned that he has spent more than 500$ (this year alone) sending "tips" to these strangers (he is usually very frugal and complained about spending 150$ on a nice dinner once a year for our anniversary). This means he has spent thousands of dollars on these "women" over the course of our marriage. 

I often write that cheating (and by extension "camming") are like icebergs, meaning that 9/10ths often remains under water. When anyone is caught, their first reaction is to both lie and minimize. So what's my point? I think you can take whatever figure he gives you and multiply it by nine (9). So if he says he's spent $500 this year, I reckon that figure is more likely $4500. 

4. My main concern is 1) is he homosexual or wanting to transition? He said he never watches "gay porn" but he admitted that the reason why he likes trans porn is that it is when the person has a penis, it is easier to see how the person is visibly turned in response to watching him. Being turned on by seeing a hard penis, seems to be, like a trait of a gay man or a straight woman, is it not?

Bingo! He's watching penises because he's attracted to penises. This means "not straight" in my opinion. 

5. He also admitted that he has been watching trans porn for over 10 years, since he was in grad school, which brings us to around 2013. Was trans porn even available back then?

Yes it was available back then...and even before then. His disclosure may confirm what I shared in #1, namely that the progression of porn addiction is as follows: young man watches vanilla porn; then more porn; then trans or gay porn to get the same "high"; then seeks out a real-work hook up.  

6. I'm sorry to sound naive, but it seems to me that one would have had to actively search out that kind of material back then, where as now it is accessible on regular "straight" porn sites. 

Without getting too graphic, there are multiple YouTube-like sites for sharing every conceivable type of (legal) pornography. These aggregate sites offer everything from straight porn to trans and gay porn.  

7. In case it helps with understanding my husband and his challenges -- in terms of his intimacy with me, it never has involved masturbation. He refuses to do it in front of me, he doesn't like head or blow jobs, our sex feels very transactional, not looking at one another, traditional positions, etc...

If your husband has a trans porn addiction, then he's attracted to trans people and a type of sex you simply cannot provide. And based on what you've shared, for the past 10 years he's imagined himself having sex with trans women who have penises. 

8. This is far more times than we ever had sex. In the last two years, we might have had sex once every 4-5 months, despite me being attractive and available and initiating sex often. He would often says he's too tired or not in the mood. It is clear to me that he never tried to cultivate any sexual intimacy or eroticism with me because he was fulfilled from the screen and therefore my sex life has suffered. 

Correct. 

9. I loved this man, I have a family with him, and I'm pregnant with twins, so I don't have time to wait around for answers. How can I get to the bottom of this? Is there any hope for our marriage?

I'm so sorry you're suffering. Question: has your husband apologized or even offered to stop with the trans cam sex? Please let me know. Here are some suggestions. I'd suggest you both define "marriage" and not by words but by acts/actions. If for you a marriage means things like honesty and intimacy, then clearly your husband is failing at both. If your husband defines marriage as little to no intimacy with his wife, cultivating his virtual trans garden, and spending all his money on cam sex, then it would appear you are incompatible. What follows are a few caveats based on my years of exchanges here: 

1. Couples Counselling: You are likely going to attempt some form of marital counselling to save your relationship. (We've all been there.) I'd suggest individual counselling for both of you as this will allow you to share your feelings with qualified professionals...before you start sharing in joint counselling sessions. 

2. The Honeymoon: After "discovery" most couples go through a three to four (3-4) month honeymoon phase. This is a short period of time during which the husband acts like her ideal partner to save the marriage. It rarely lasts unfortunately. 

3. The Warden Wife: Most "caught" husbands make a lot of promises to no longer cheat, cam, go on hook up apps etc. Scared, he thinks that has to say "Never again!" to save his marriage. His wife then tracks his online habits and often puts a tracker on his phone to monitor his location. This rarely keeps a dishonest, closeted, or cheating husband from doing what he's done for years (in this case camming). By your husband's own admission, he's been watching trans porn for a decade and I know from experience that he's likely not just going to stop "cold turkey." So you should be ready to find his new burner phone or a new laptop so you can't track him. And if he travels frequently for work, then he'll just continue camming/hiring trans sex workers when he's on the road. 

 In response to your last post: 

1. Thanks for offering to answer questions!🙏. My husband said something similar to what was stated above— that trans sex porn and trans live sex (specifically trans women with penises) — was only about masturbating and being turned on.

As I've shared in many previous posts, when a caught husband's mouth is moving, he's lying. 

2. He explained one physical encounter with a trans prostitute that was uncomfortable and unfulfilling.

Encounter is a term cheaters use to minimize f*cking someone other than their spouse. So by his own admission this is a lot more than just masturbation and arousal because he hired a prostitute. That is an entirely different level and likely required a lot of planning on his part. This is a red flag in my opinion but follows a common pattern: online exploration; chatting/camming; then a real-world encounter. Of course he said "I didn't like it" because what was he going to tell you: "It was THE BEST sex of my life!" Remember, when cheaters mouths are moving, they're lying.  

3. He still claims he loves me and is turned on by me as a straight woman, his wife and the mother of his children. He said “I know I’m not gay because when I walk into a room I’m attracted to the women and have always felt that way since I was a kid.”

Ok then if he's attracted to you he should be having sex with you. If he isn't, then his actions don't align with his words. 

4. Do gay men watch trans women porn?

Unknown. But let's not lose sight of the main issues here: your husband appears to be more attracted to trans women and having trans sex than he is with his wife. My questions are: is he going to stop with the cam/porn and start being the husband/father you deserve?  

5. Is my husband in denial about his sexuality?

Yes. Here is a more g-rated example. If a husband spends all of his time in your basement secretly clanging away with pots and pans, always comes upstairs with flour on his hands, and when you go snooping you find countless cookbooks, his cries of "I'm not interested in baking!" fall kinda flat. Similarly, if your husband has spent a decade watching, camming with, and hiring trans sex workers all while sexually neglecting you then his cries of "I'm attracted to you not them!" are bullsh*t. 

I hope that helps friend. Please feel free to post again if I haven't answered your questions. 

Last edited by Sean01 (March 1, 2023 4:32 am)

Thank you for posting Need. In reply: 

1. Hi Sean! Thanks for the response but I think you've responded mixing information in with another poster. I've never caught my spouse watching any kind of trans porn, or meeting up with anyone. That appears to be the poster above me. Most of the information I have I mentioned in an earlier post.

Please accept my apologies for the error. I have revised/corrected the above post. 

2. Although you are correct there is a two tidbits of information I have held back.

I'd encourage you to share everything when you're ready. We're only as sick as our secrets in my opinion. 

3. I do have a few more questions: you mentioned that you started not wanting to be around your wife and it felt like she was getting in the way of your affairs. Did you withdraw emotionally? Like stop most communication?

These are excellent questions. I had my first sexual encounter with another man during a business trip and it so scared me that I swore to never attempt gay sex again. But I soon found myself meeting more men on business trips, then using Grindr, and had lots of hookups etc. I grew up during the worst of AIDS crisis and thought that gay = AIDS = death. So I withdrew sexually from my (then) wife because I was terrified of giving her an STD/STI and thereby outing myself. Later I came out to my (then) wife and it was if some form of sexual damn just burst. I started brazenly cheating on her via Grindr hookups and that was when I emotionally withdrew from her. During that troubled time I was in full-blown gay adolescence and acted like a petulant teen who's mom (my then wife) was keeping me from being my authentic self. I'd often use the silent treatment to torture her. 

4. If so, was your outlet to a single AP? Or random hookups, or internet forums?

Does AP mean affair partner? I met my current partner (now together for 11 years) shortly after coming out. But I was also having sex with random men as well. I don't use internet forums, other than this forum of course. 

5. I'm curious if his emotional detachment/lack of communication indicates a single affair partner or multiple.

Unknown but does it really matter. If your husband is cheating on you he will likely continue to do so. 

6. What can you tell a wife or anyone that doesn't have solid poof about walking away without finding more information. It's driving me crazy to not know what's going on. And the wanting to find out is almost 100 percent keeping me stuck. I guess the podcast mentioned there being smoke before the fires.

I personally believe that the straight spouse's need for more proof, particularly in the face of a lying/dishonest/cheater of a husband, is simply a delaying tactic. Most of the women I've interacted with over the years had terrible relationships, before even questioning her husband's sexuality. Let's not forget that many wives divorce when they find out their husbands are cheating. Unfortunately, the goalposts keep moving in gay/straight relationships. It starts with porn and she forgives him. Then it's a lack of sex and she agrees to "work on the relationship" which really means she believes it's somehow her fault. Then he cheats "once" with another man but he's forgiven because it's "trauma re-enactment" or some other bullsh*t excuse. Then he gets caught multiple times and his wife patiently waits for things to get better. Sadly, it only gets worse. So what's my point? I'd suggest you take the relationship you have now, warts and all, and ask yourself if you want to be with this partner and feel this way for the next 10-20-30 years. I'd urge you to set aside the issue of his sexuality and focus on whether this man truly deserves you.    

7. I'd almost describe it as my house fell down and I need/want to know why.

Fair comment. There comes a time in these relationships when the straight spouse no longer looks to her troubled husband for answers. She looks within herself to determine if this is a truly loving and honest relationship.  

8. Or maybe a different analogy would be someone has killed my most important loved one and no one will give me the why.

I understand. But if you think of your relationship as dead/buried, then perhaps it's time to mourn, heal, and move on? Many straight spouses never hear "I'm gay" from closeted ex-husbands. Many straight spouses only receive confirmation that their husbands were always gay after separation/divorce. 

I hope that helps friend. Be well! 

Sean - question for you. And I think a lot of us are asking this, in some form - what if you still love them?

“In my opinion, you love your husband like an addict loves drugs.”
Kind of - and I posted here instead of appeasing him, so that was progress, right?! I do think to myself “Rose, call your sponsor…”
If that’s that case, the problematic appeal is the woundedness.I see the hurt and I’m drawn to it like a moth to a flame. I want to help him heal. But you said it before - I can’t do it. He needs to be around other gay men, not me - no matter what he is saying.
And yes, he’s acting like a total jerk, but that’s not all he is. Like most of us, he’s a lot of things and given his fractured self, he’s probably more. Was it Leonard Bernstein who had sex with his boyfriend in the hall while his wife was in the next room?
My husband is smart and charismatic but he’s not Leonard Bernstein. And I’m out. I know it’s the path to health for all of us. I admit, I’m envious of your ex-wife that you saw it. We are a long way from that. He thinks being gay is great for other people but not for him. And he hates me leaving - he has nothing to rebel against. I’m closing on my own house this week. It’s taking a while but we are working towards a new chapter. And yes, I think I’d best attend to my own woundedness. Thank you again for being a reality check. I really appreciate it. Rose