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March 24, 2023 1:38 pm  #1

Not mine to share.

My partner came out as bi in the last year. I've been supportive through the process, although it hasn't been a big discussion until lately. She's been in a rather stressful work situation and our relationship hasn't been on the best terms. It's taken a turn and is getting better as we both are in individual therapy and being more communicative about our needs.

In the worst of times she shares doubts about our future, about not wanting to be with any one and even saying that in a different circumstance she isn't sure she would want to be with a man, given she's had a complicated past with the men in her life. She assures me that loves and doesn't regret us together but our past is fraught with challenges and unhealthy patterns that we have since worked through and continue to make improvement on.

What makes this especially hard is that she isn't out except for a few of her close friends that I'm not in contact with. None of our mutual friends know and our families are religious and have shown negative behavior/sentiments towards the LGBT+ community. So I'm left to myself to carry this knowledge and uncertainty about the future of us as a couple.

I still strongly want to make this work, I want to be supportive of what she's discovering, and be by her side as she navigates the next chapter of her life. But I know deep down that this isn't just about what's best for her, or us. It's also about what's best for me.

At this moment, I just needed a space to share. To know I'm not alone.


March 24, 2023 10:44 pm  #2

Re: Not mine to share.

Leinllah...welcome to our Forum.

I believe a straightspouse has his or her own truth, and it's his or hers to share. In  saying that...each situation is different and the only person who truly knows the possible ramifications of telling that truth is the straightspouse in the middle of it.

For myself (female, 64) I've told only those people I know will support me through this and are there as soundingboards with positivity. Nobody on A's side of the family knows but when the separation is signed I don't see why I can't tell these people, if they ask, why I'm no longer with A. I won't be telling them A's truth... I'll be telling them mine


KIA KAHA                       

March 25, 2023 7:20 am  #3

Re: Not mine to share.

yeah, we hear you here.  I understand that you are a loving and supportive straight spouse.  I am glad to see you recognise that deep down, essentially, for you this is now about what's good for you.  

My ex kept me completely in the dark.   So the decades roll on and the point came where I have gone onto the internet looking for answers, find this forum and the term gay in denial.  omg, I didn't realise anybody would lie about something so important.  Human happiness is at stake.  That's how naive I was.  Now I know it is all around me and a serious problem we all face.  Silently.  People titter when I say I was married to a gay man.   

Back then, I had literally fallen on the floor with shock and it is only when I promised myself I would not stay silent that enough strength returned to my limbs to get up off the floor.  That's how important talking about it was for me.  I told a friend, then I had a panic attack at the thought of going home so I made an appointment and went for a check up and told my doctor while he was listening to my heart beat and taking my blood pressure.  Then I bargained my silence to his family and friends to obtain a divorce.  He is still in the closet.  

I have never been silent in telling my story, and I have learned to handle the titters with compassion.  The last one came from a man who then went on to tell me about his gay child, he was very sweet about it and I guessed he was a straight spouse.

Like Elle said, the only story you are telling is your own.  That's the way I feel about it too.  It matters so much.  Human happiness is at stake.  Our own.  

Right now I feel better, somehow reconnected - it's taken a thunderstorm and writing this post. 



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