Thank you, Elle! That's very validating actually. He's always been known for a "prickly" personality but the irritation really reached a peak the last few years. One of many reasons I've pushed therapy. I tried to suggest couple's therapy and he was very opposed. If I point out how being so irritated all the time is not normal he snaps back and gets defensive that I'm painting him as a giant asshole. I feel like I have to tread very lightly with anything that could come across as critical because he will shut down.

I guess I'm also wondering how successful people have been at helping their SO accept their orientation and that they're just fundamentally unhappy in this situation too. I want to give him a chance to make changes and work on our relationship but the more I think about it the less optimistic I am.

Ladybug61 wrote:

I've read a lot of posts here (and on reddit) and they make me feel more sure something isn't right in my marriage.

So when I first dated my husband he was a virgin (he was in his 30s) and when we first had sex he disclosed he was "bisexual but would never do anything with men." I just wrote it off as him being transparent and didn't think much of it. He has never been super horny or passionate with me and I attributed that to performance anxiety.

However, after having a kid, sex dropped off completely and he withdrew emotionally as well. I've recently been pushing for therapy to work on communication and when I brought up more frequent sex he gave a lot of excuses. I suppose I expected that he had also been wanting more and would be happy I was being open about wanting to have more sex. So the lack of enthusiasm really made me start putting all these pieces together and wonder if he's just more attracted to men.

It's not a proud moment but it is public... I found his reddit account and he disclosed that he had to train himself to get off on real sex with me as he masturbates with a specific "bisexual" fantasy.

The confusing part is he is affectionate in daily life, but seems to have minimal to no sexual attraction to me. Is it possible that he's just romantically interested in a relationship with me but is sexually more attracted to men? I know he's not cheating or seeking out opportunities with gay men. He almost just seems fine with the status quo and was very resistant to therapy and changing things. I honestly think he'd be fine going on with an affectionate roommate style relationship with zero intimacy. If he is gay or leans more towards men I think he's very denial.

I'm really struggling as I don't think I can live like that. So... What do y'all think?

Gay point of view. I don't comment much here but I think I can give you some insight as to what is going on. I think you are going to need to focus on you. It could be therapy aimed at helping you through this situation or something else but helping him accept his sexuality is a task better left to him and not you. 

Here is the thing how Gay/BI/Straight someone is, is on a range and in general(not always) attraction to one gender tends to reduce attraction to the other. I don't think many gay guys are 100% gay but calling oneself bisexual when you are 90+% attracted to men is kind of misleading. In my own case calling myself bi would be like claiming that Death Valley should be classified as a rain forest because it rained for 10 mins a decade ago.  The trouble with the word bi is that bisexual(i.e. halfway right) is an easier word to accept than gay(effeminate, sinner, that guy walking in a pride pride wearing chaps). I have known a few truly bisexual men but most guys are mostly one way or the other.  Anyway what makes a gay guy,  gay isn't just the attraction to men, but the intensity of it. As I have often said it is like comparing a dying flashlight(attraction to women) to blinding sunlight((attraction to men).

A gay guy can have romantic feelings(like being around, enjoy the person's company, love their personality) but the want to rip clothes off could be a problem. My own experience of it when I was a teenager was I liked holding hands with my girlfriend, loved being around her, did kiss her but it was more she likes it therefore I do it and doing do made me feel good. It actually took multiple gay experiences to accept the fact that I was gay and to understand what was missing in the relationship and that any potential wife deserved a guy who desired her both mentality and physically.  i.e. Wanting to hold hands because she likes it, is a lot different than wanting to get lost in his eyes,  be around, cuddle and rip his clothes off. 

Anyway here is the thing it could take a long time(if ever) for this guy to accept his sexuality. 
 

Ladybug,

I think you are experiencing the hurt and thus you rightly went snooping.  One of things I kept thinking to myself as I snooped was "why do I have to do this?".
What kind person makes their partner snoop.

So you suggesting and wanting couples therapy should have been a giant wake up call to him whether he's straight, gay, bi, green alien.

That he can't give you the affection you want..he sounds not straight to me.  That he post on reddit sounds like he is struggling to hide this.

I would tell him he is hurting you.  Sounds like he will get mad and defensive..and then I would ask him again why he keeps hurting you.

After being thorough this I just feel we should be enough for our spouses.. we should more than enough..their want and love for us should be fierce both emotionally and physically..they should never  hurt us in any way.