Let me preface this with an apology for such a long post, and a deeply felt thanks for being able to share my story.  I’ve had to play the part of a happy, supportive wife to my GID’s ministry and our church for the last ten years, and I have told NO ONE about the secrets I’ve kept for my GID. Its a relief to get this out.

Basically, my GID told me this week that he was “not straight”.  He refuses to label himself as gay or homosexual.

Ten years ago just before our wedding, he told me he had “dabbled” in sex with other men in college.  Just receiving oral, which to him wasn’t actually sex.  He said it was all in his past and he was absolutely straight.  However, he refused to have sex with me until we were married.  He was planning to be a priest, you see… and he wanted our marriage to be holy.

Fast forward to our wedding night, and nothing.  Just cuddling because he was tired.  The next night he had a stuffy nose.  For the next ten years I have heard every excuse in the book from erectile dysfunction to stomach problems to poor circulation and even “the house isn’t pristine (his word, not mine), so I can’t perform.”  Except for occasional petting, our marriage has never been consummated.

To his credit, in many ways he was an amazing husband, and I wanted so badly to believe in him.  I was truly in love with him and he says he loves me, but apparently he only married me because the church committee said he had to be married to become a priest.  Also, he sincerely thought that if he got married, it would make him straight.  He is naive about a lot of things in life, so that one I do believe.  The morning after our wedding night I asked him how he felt.  His reply?  “Validated.”

Several times throughout our marriage, the subject of our sex life, or lack thereof has come up.  One time he even told me he was 90% straight, whatever that means.  But he promised to never, ever, ever cheat on me.  He even used to preach that people can choose to be straight or gay, that nobody was born that way.  I put aside my fears and hoped for the best.

Then in 2019 I found photos of nude men or just their male parts on his phone along with screenshots he had taken of text conversations on Grindr.  When I confronted him, he actually tried to convince me that someone had stolen his phone, put the photos on there, and then replaced his phone without his knowledge.  I then pointed out that one of the photos was of him and another man naked in bed with a closeup of my GID’s extremely aroused penis. His excuse?  He had met the man at a hotel for a massage, but there was no sex.  The “masseur” always got naked when he gave massages. (Eyeroll) Eventually, he admitted the truth about the photos and promised never, ever, ever to get on Grindr or meet any men in hotels for “massages” again.  He still maintains to this day that he did not have sex with his naked “masseur”.

Several months later, I received a call at 6:30am from a man who claimed to have stayed up all night texting and talking to my GID while he was in the tub.  I knew my GID had stayed up soaking in the whirlpool tub all night which he often did due to his “poor circulation”, and this guy knew it, too.  The caller then told me if I didn’t send him $500 in gift cards, he would out my GID.  I pretended not to believe the caller, and said I would need proof first.  The caller then send me dozens of photos my GID had sent him, plus screenshots of their texted, very sexual conversation.  Once I had the proof I needed, I blocked the caller.  Needless to say, his little blackmail scheme did not work.

I again confronted my GID, and he denied ever talking to the caller and said I should just ignore him because he’s obviously crazy.  So I looked on our Verizon account, and found over 200 texts and phone calls to the same number the blackmailer had called from.  And when I told my GID, his reply was…get this!… “Oh, Verizon is in on it.  They’re setting me up so that this man can blackmail me.  Happens all the time.  Don’t you believe me???”  After FOUR DAYS of anger, denial and manipulative tears, he eventually confessed and promised me he would never, ever, ever do such a thing again.

3 months later I went through his phone to find the Grindr app had been recently downloaded and deleted.  When I asked him about it, he said he only got on to delete his account.  I nearly left him that day, but decided to give him one…more…chance.  After the usual tears and promises, I moved out of our bedroom because I just couldn’t stand to sleep beside him any more.  But throughout all of this, I still loved him and prayed every night that he would change.

So here we are 4 years later and I really thought this was all behind us.  He reassured me almost weekly that he was not messing around with or talking to any men, and constantly told me that I was the only one for him.  I was actually considering moving back into the master bedroom with him this weekend when he came home and told me flat out that he is “not straight” and that he has been talking with other men online this whole time.  He would sooner die than come out, but wanted to be honest with me about being sexually attracted to men.

I have spent the last 4 days in bed with my arms wrapped around my frozen heart.  Under all this cover and I still can’t get warm.  I love him so much, and it just kills me that my best friend would do this to me.  When I’m not crying, I just find myself staring into space unable to focus.  Something inside me finally died, and I just realized what it was.

Hope.