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March 13, 2023 9:46 pm  #1

It's so much pain -does it get better?

It's been 2 years since he disclosed to me--that was a tender moment, almost sweet --sacred.  I felt so soft towards him,compassionate, warm, understanding --I even said, like an idiot,  "I'm going to help you be the best gay you can be."  We "spooned" that night as I wept.

Two weeks after that moment, I stumbled on all the random gay hook-ups, ongoing gay relationships, extortion for a dick pix, etc., in his phone--I had never gone thro his phone bf.  He had left it in the bath when I was about to shower.  

Two years since I quit trying, desperately, to "talk it through," to try and understand why he didn't just tell me sooner.  End the marriage sooner.  Me, of all people, with gay male friends --I wouldn've understood.

Two years since I had hoped we could just unwind our marriage gracefully, divorce, and create a "new normal" where we could still gather as a family of four in our house for special occasions.  

Two years since he deflected all of my "trying to understand" him, trying to grasp what this all meant, what he wanted/needed, how our lives should now be --and instead getting:  "This isn't about my sexuality, it's about our marriage."  (I thought we had a good marriage w/ typical bumps.)   When I pressed for an explantion, I got "You never made me feel a priority --for example, you left your clothes on the bed, you mixed sauce with pasta when I was low-carbing, you brought me Sprite instead of Gingerale when I had a stomach bug (26 yrs ago on a road trip!), you demanded we name our child the same name as his and his father?!?  (I sure as hell don't remember "demanding" that --I would've gladly named child for folks on my side. Freud much?)  I know, intellectually, all of the latter is BS, deflection, etc. --but it still hurts so much coming from who I thought was my best friend.

Was none of what I thought was a "connection," real?  Was it all fake, all those 25 years of marriage/34 years of knowing each other?  Was I just a place to hide?  A means to an end?  Am I now so easly disposed of?  Do I have no judgement?  

I take an anti-depressant (have been for awhile) and speak with a counselor every week.  I journal, attend yoga classes, try to walk outside, make plans with friends, etc.  I've rearranged furniture, painted walls, discarded household items that remind me of earlier times.  Yet I still feel so flat.  I still cry so easily.  I still feel so stuck, stunned, shocked, used, discarded, and truly alone.   I still can't believe my world has fallen apart in this way.  His family hasn't said a word to me since he disclosed to them.  My son seems to "get" my pain yet I worry he's not processing and instead, drinking too much.  My daughter is very blase to me, stating she had nothing to do with it --gets angry if I bring anything up --seems to flaunt in my face, "I'm going to Dad's" or "Dad said this or that."   

I don't know what else to do to make any of this better.  It all still hurts so much.  I can't seem to work through this, to "move on", to heal, and it's been two years.  Am I missing something?  Or are we just eternally f*cked, being the straight spouse?



March 13, 2023 10:47 pm  #2

Re: It's so much pain -does it get better?

I share your pain. My nightmare started in 2020 and I swear it hurts more now than it did before. I am now being dragging unwillingly through a divorce. He ruined my past, destroyed my present and obliterated my future. I am working an insane amount and am still struggling to pay the bills. Meanwhile he discarded me like a piece of trash after 20 years of marriage. So far he has told me all about how happy he is, how this was the right decision for him, he's living the life he always wanted.....he also can't tell me the "why" of all this. He just freely admits that he lied to me for years, manipulated me and used me to get the life he wanted. Like.....thanks?

I am in counselling weekly. I work out with a personal trainer. Make plans when I can. I, too, have rearranged the furniture, painted, thrown away stuff, redecorated.....and yet, here I am left in the half renovated house we had moved into "together" to build our dream home. He decided that renovations were too much work and decided to dump me with the house and 5 pets. 

All I feel is flat. And so very alone. I vacillate between crying and anger. I feel used (which I guess he confirmed that I was, so, woo). I also randomly cry or get upset over stupid things. I am still unable to speak to him via the phone or in person, I just shut down. The pain is unbearable anytime he is around. And he just seems to "obliviously" kick me repeatedly. Like telling me all about his luxury vacation (that I had planned for us to go on and he prevented for years....apparently I planned a great vacation....)

I feel pathetic. I have been told to "move on". Not let him get to me. And the pain is still so raw.

I wish I had an answer for you. All I can say is that you are not alone. Honestly, I don't even see the point of being alive some days....so I just get up, go through the motions, go to bed, and then get up and do it all over again.


March 14, 2023 8:05 am  #3

Re: It's so much pain -does it get better?

I also went through a lot of pain the first few months  after I found out. I would wake up very early. For me, time helped it get easier. Also, I was so lucky to re connect from my past a man that I ended up marrying. I hope and pray that the pain gets easier.


March 14, 2023 2:35 pm  #4

Re: It's so much pain -does it get better?


So you are still with him living this for 2 years?  I commend you for your strength...I lived it while divorcing for 2.5 years and would not wish it on anyone. 

I also got some lame excuses like I didn't take the garbage out (so that meant it was morally ok for her to have a gay affair).

You need support ..Definitely the antidepressants to help endure it.
Have you thought about plans to get away?

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

March 14, 2023 2:58 pm  #5

Re: It's so much pain -does it get better?


I relate to everything you wrote. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've started the climb out of the shithole. It's two years since my LW started to disclose to me. "I'm not straight" became "I might be a lesbian", which was dialed back because I made it clear that I couldn't like in a marriage with a lesbian and everything that (obviously) would mean. This past January she said she'd known she was a lesbian since the very beginning but "tried to be straight" so she wouldn't lose me. I'm sorry sweetie, but looking back you weren't straight before and that explains a lot of what we went through... anyway.

We met with a lesbian counselor who specialized in helping couples in our situation, often dissolving the marriage. The counselor understood why we weren't compatible. We were talking about telling our kids and the obvious reason, free of shame and guilt, was that mom discovered that she's a lesbian, so of course we can't stay married. No, my LW decided she was okay with the divorce because I'd been a bad husband for so long and the last few months I'd been acting angry. So being a lesbian wasn't the reason our heterosexual marriage was ending? That was news to me. I was at fault for everything I guess.

I feel like I'm plugging a book but Rebuilding When you Relationship Ends has helped me a lot, besides weekly therapy. The other thing that has helped is moving out, talking to normal people (not therapists, no offense to them) and trying to live life the way I want. Hearing normal people react with concern for me and outrage that I'm going through this has been healing. Especially since for me, most of the empathy I've experienced has come from my in-laws. 

It also helped when I asked my therapist if she thought my LW was a narcissist. She said she thought she had some narcissistic traits, sure, but she was almost positive she was diagnosable for borderline personality disorder. She read me the traits in the DSM-5 and I thought, wow all but 1 apply to her completely. I've been in therapy for 2 years so she's been hearing what I've dealt with that entire time, which is where that conclusion comes from. 

I don't know for sure, but I don't think we're all eternally fucked. I think getting out of the shadow of the relationship and abuse (because you most assuredly are being abused) does wonders. 2 months ago I attempted suicide. I'm actually happy a lot of the time now. It's still hard but a different, better hard. If that makes any sense.


March 15, 2023 4:16 am  #6

Re: It's so much pain -does it get better?

I haven’t been on this forum for a couple of years, because it Does Get Better, it gets so much better. Dam, this man has taken enough of your life, don’t give him any more. You deserve happiness, and peace. I was married for 43 years before I discovered my ex was Gay. We had the “best friends, happy marriage,” and then slam, I discovered gay porn,  dildos, etc, etc. I , was just like you, giving, loving, caring, wanting to help him.  I loved my ex with all my heart, but then reality hits me, I loved the man he pretended to be, not who he actually is. I was never really angry after discovery The gay thing, I had overwhelming sadness. I also realized that perhaps my ex loved me to the best of his ability, but, what a selfish love it was, I was truly a beard, I was used. Upon that realization, at the age of 63, I decided I was going to make the best life for myself that I could. Counseling helped to a point, but, I just got tired of rehashing what my ex did to me, I wasn’t going to go into that dam rabbit hole of bitterness or anger. I made a choice, I choose happiness, and made a new life for myself. during my first year after divorce, I learned to play pickle ball, joined a fitness club, joined book club, learned to play mahjong, went on solo cruises , joined a church, and volunteer work. I remember waking up  on the one anniversary of my divorce,  and realizing, I did it, I was happy and really enjoying my life. Then year two, I met someone, a man with integrity, who treats me like a woman, who desires me and most importantly loves and respects me. I never knew what romance was until I met him.

Sag, you deserve so much better, what happen to you sucks, but I can tell that you are such a kind, loving soul. Can you be your own best friend right now, and show that kindness and love for yourself?  Don’t let your ex take any more from you,  you have choices, what do you want? You can choose happiness over sadness. I am not saying it is easy, but I know it can get so much better for you. Onward, girlfriend, ONWARD…..




March 15, 2023 9:16 am  #7

Re: It's so much pain -does it get better?

  It will get better, I promise you. At first I was in shock-then I was angry. It took a few months but it did get better.


March 16, 2023 2:06 pm  #8

Re: It's so much pain -does it get better?

Hello Sag,
You're doing all the right things. It takes some of us a bit of time to get through the trauma. My divorce was final five years ago and the GIDXH passed away four years ago. Am feeling a lot better but it took a lot of effort and time to get here.

Hang in there. It will get better! ☺️

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

March 17, 2023 5:18 pm  #9

Re: It's so much pain -does it get better?

I just ,moved into my own home today Sag. Its been a year since I knew something was wrong and less than a year since her partial disclosure. I can tell you, it does get better! I feel great. I have worked hard, felt every bit of pain, up and down, for months. Now I feel I am in a good place. You can make it, one day at a time. Create a vision and hold it, even on the hard days. Thats what I did and I'm here, still alive and dare I say, thriving? Its not over, she will still screw with me because thats what she does, but it doesnt matter to me anymore. No contact (low because we have kids) does wonders.


March 17, 2023 5:45 pm  #10

Re: It's so much pain -does it get better?

Blackie563 wrote:

I'm so happy for you. And hope the sun shines for you every day


KIA KAHA                       

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