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March 10, 2023 11:40 pm  #1

He came out to 3 more people...

My husband came out as bisexual to 3 people at church today. I thought we were going to focus on his sobriety first (7 days sober) and then have a conversation before he told anyone else. I have lots of questions...we've been together 30 years. Did he cheat on me? Are we still in a monogamous relationship? What will others think of me when they know I'm married to a bisexual man? That's an important one for me...we go to a Reconciling in Christ church, but not all people are going to be ok with that. Am I strong enough to stand up to their negatively? Does he want to experiment and will I be ok with that? (No I will not be.) He apologized; he was truly sorry, but I reiterated that he has to focus on his sobriety and we have to talk before coming out to anyone else. Our daughter is coming home from college tomorrow so I have to pick her up, and he will be at work by the time we get back. So frustrated right now...


March 11, 2023 9:31 am  #2

Re: He came out to 3 more people...

Yes, this unilateral decision-making is often a feature of a person newly-coming out.  (And of a passive aggressive style of relating, in case that applies.) 

Sorry to say you will likely be experiencing other instances in which what you want and what you feel--in other words, of consideration for you--are not part of his decision making.  It's a sign of how he's thinking about you as a couple, meaning, he's not thinking of himself as part of a couple, only of himself.  (Although he may SAY different, pay attention to what he DOES.)



March 11, 2023 11:10 am  #3

Re: He came out to 3 more people...

Gin Bombay wrote:

....I thought we were going to focus on his sobriety first

Your husband is probably not as much invested in what you think you both mean as he is in his own timeline regarding how, who and when he wants to tell.

And if you're "not okay" with him experimenting
you have to tell him now before it's too late and you get sucked into believing it won't harm your marriage. Telling him "no I am not okay with this!" will be the start of your discovery about who you are


KIA KAHA                       

March 11, 2023 3:21 pm  #4

Re: He came out to 3 more people...

You really have a lot on your plate to deal with.

Your h flipped the script unilaterally (not so great) but his non-straight status is the truth.  This news doesn't stay a secret.   It's painful and excruciating to accept what's happened to your marriage but you have to to continue forward.  Fighting and denying will cause you more pain.

Get support for yourself in person. It really helps to unload your feelings this way in addition to posting here.

PS Al-Anon meetings are via chat or email in addition to virtual and in person.

Last edited by MJM017 (March 11, 2023 3:22 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

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