OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

March 9, 2023 12:37 pm  #11

Re: Was your partner out as bi before coming out as gay?

lily wrote:

Hi Salamander,
Not sure why you don't think her being bi is a problem - would you do it again?
My ex was in same sex relationships before marrying me, but he didn't tell me about them, just about the girlfriends.

Your ex was in the closet, which is kind of the opposite. He was gay or bi and hiding it or trying to deny it, and that's just the person who is likely to marry someone of the opposite sex and eventually come out anyway. 

My wife was fully out to family and friends, etc.  When a person who is actually gay gets to the point where they can openly have relationships with the people they are attracted to, even if they initially identified as bi, they just stop being with people of the opposite sex and eventually start using gay instead of bi.  They don't go in the other direction and seek out relationships with people of the opposite sex that they aren't actually attracted to.  Why would they?  So with my wife, I don't think the problem was actually her sexual orientation.  If she had married a woman and then left them for a man she would be telling people that she discovered she's straight.  She might actually believe it herself, but I think she really has been bi all her life and narrowing her sexual orientation, for now at least, is just a way for her to leave her boring marriage for some young hottie without looking like the cliché bad guy.  Her LGBTQ allies will rally around her and she can make herself look like the victim.  For context, I've since found out that she was lying about money too.  When I confronted her, she just doubled down with more lies.  She just manipulates the narrative in whatever ways serves her, and since she's always been bi, it serves her to exploit that now.  It's not a sexual orientation problem, it's an honesty problem. 



March 9, 2023 12:46 pm  #12

Re: Was your partner out as bi before coming out as gay?

Gloria, I don't really get being bi either.  But I don't get being attracted to men!  I think human sexuality is kind of all over the place.  Of course there are people who change it to their advantage, and there are people who change it to protect themselves prejudice and stigma.  So it's influenced by outside forces too.  And then there is the fact that people will sometimes lie about it to other people, and even lie about it to themselves.  It's just really complicated.  What's not complicated is making a life commitment to someone.  When a person goes into a monogamous marriage I don't think their sexual orientation is actually all that relevant anymore.  For all intents and purposes they are committing to their partner as their sexual orientation.  It's not all women or all men or both, it's your spouse, period.

     Thread Starter

March 9, 2023 7:28 pm  #13

Re: Was your partner out as bi before coming out as gay?

Hi Salamander, 
My ex is still in the closet - the sight of him as I saw through the smoke and mirrors was like seeing a Dalek come out of it's shell.  ( don't know if you remember them but as a child watching Dr Who on the telly they struck fear and horror into me) a small ugly crab-like creature scuttling out of the base of a big metal casing on wheels, it was totally dependent on it's shell.

I don't think any of us can walk over the recognition that naturally speaking, babies come from sex between a man and a woman.  I personally can't walk over the recognition that that means a lot of gay people have been having sex with the oppositie sex.

So to me, the way I see it, the closet has nothing to do with homophobic social pressures and everything to do with that.  

Moving away from my ex and climbing to the top end of the people who identify as bisexual I think these are people with all the mating traits of a monogamous straight person except for being attracted to the same sex. And sometimes you can see them suffering, caught between their love for a girlfriend and guilt due to their commitment to their husband.  

But moving back to my ex, he wasn't even committed to being bisexual, when I kept saying it wasn't the same as straight he brazenly flipped back to declaring himself 100% straight and absolutely he expected to get away with it.  In other words, there never was any sort of commitment from him to me, I was fodder for him.  And hiding his identity is a way of life.  Being in the closet is an integral part of who he is.

I completely agree with what you say about monogamy.  Your spouse is your sexual orientation.  It's just that you need that equal pull of attraction coming from both sides and calling herself bisexual doesn't mean she is being any more honest with you about the truth of herself than if she were saying she's straight.

As Rob puts it, your love for her was fierce and strong and it looks to me like you have gone to the floor for her and now you must face the truth of her before you can walk away.  I heartily applaud the strength of your stance to simply say the marriage is over, she has failed to hold to me, her spouse.


Last edited by lily (March 9, 2023 7:30 pm)


Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum