OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



March 8, 2023 11:25 pm  #1


What do you do when you are overwhelmed?

I can't do this.
I just can't.
I can't see where I'll be happy in this situation.
I can't see a silver lining or a happy ending.
I can't think without sobbing.
I want so desperately for this all to be over.
I want to be raw and hateful.
I can't see myself happy with a wife instead of a husband.
I can't see it.
This hurts so much I can't breathe.
He's trying to be understanding of my pain, and yet he wants me to be some happy go lucky supportive wife even though my world is caving in on me.  On the surface it all looks fine.  Inside I just want to die.  I can't do that to my kids, but I just can't right now. 
What's wrong with MY needs and MY feelings?  Why do I have to accept this?
Why am I expected to be all cheering section yay you because I love him?   This is telling me that if I love him, I have to just take it.  I get shoved to the corner so he can wave his flag and be patted and congratulated.  I am the one lost in this. 
I can't.

 

March 8, 2023 11:38 pm  #2


Re: What do you do when you are overwhelmed?

I feel your pain. Maybe tomorrow will be better...I have have up days and down days since last Friday when my husband told me that he was an alcoholic and bisexual (though he still loves me - we still haven't talked about the latter because sobriety comes first.) I cope with crocheting, playing silly games on my Switch and buying little things, like a tiny fridge to keep sparkling water in our living room. Take a walk, eat right, breathe. And dark chocolate always helps...

 

March 9, 2023 4:01 am  #3


Re: What do you do when you are overwhelmed?

Ipheloa wrote:

.......

 
"What do you do when your overwhelmed?"

You put one foot in front of the other and take one day at a time because at the beginning of this that will be all you should expect of yourself. It's confusing and often frightening and you'll need to take care of yourself to get through it

Have you read the First Aid Kit on the General Board?

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 9, 2023 8:23 am  #4


Re: What do you do when you are overwhelmed?

Ipheloa,

Welcome.

It's like that song from Meatloaf; "I will do anything for love ,  but I won't do that.."

My cheating gay ex (GX) as various points in our divorce/separation expected me to remain loyal and chivalrous ..  as I always had...she was so used to me doing anything she said..   I had already spent years  with her raging at me and cheating...hurt, rejected physically....yet I was somehow supposed to behave like I always did..

No,  just no.    You/we matter..    you and I are not some omnipotent being, superhero, or god that can take an unlimitied amount of hurt and abuse.    We are human and signed a marriage contract, before God in my case, that says we would be cherished and loved.      Even Jesus got angry at the merchants in temple that were not supposed to be there.

No, you matter and you need not cheer him on...  your kids need a strong un-abused mother....and he is not helping you anyway..   Do not think you have to accept this season he has created.   When overwhelmed you take it one day at a time.  Small baby steps.    In time those small steps add up until they give courage and strength ..

Wishing you strength, stoicism, and courage

Last edited by Rob (March 9, 2023 8:27 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 9, 2023 8:51 am  #5


Re: What do you do when you are overwhelmed?

As a mother of grown children I know that they respect me for picking up the pieces, deciding what I wanted my new life to look like and going after it. You do matter and you do not have to remain his wife if you cannot adjust to the changes he is making to your relationship. 

Without telling him/her/hem, consult an attorney and learn what your legal rights are where you live.. Knowledge is power and having power is very calming.


 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

March 9, 2023 9:53 am  #6


Re: What do you do when you are overwhelmed?

Ipheloa, I'm so sorry you're going through all this.  

I try to just take it one day at a time.  If that's too much, then one hour at a time.  If that's too much, then one minute at a time.


Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
 

March 9, 2023 10:03 am  #7


Re: What do you do when you are overwhelmed?

Ipheloa,

  Understanding is as understanding does.  It's easy for your husband to SAY he's "understanding," but what does he DO to demonstrate that?  Is he willing to slow down and delay starting cross-sex hormones?  

  There is nothing wrong with YOUR needs and YOUR feelings, and you DO NOT have to "accept this."  

  Men who are caught up in the euphoria of feminizing themselves are unable to consider the needs and feelings of others (and I say this not to tell you to "be patient" but because it reveals a truth about them--it's all about them).   As part of this narcissistic focus on themselves, they want validation that they are indeed women, and they seek it from other women because to be "accepted as women" by other women "proves" to them they are indeed women.  

  Some resources that will help you feel less alone and that provide some information on the general outlines of trans-identified males are these:

   A website:
transwidows.org
   
Articles and books:
  Michael Bailey, "The Man Who Would Be Queen."  It's available online and downloadable.  Bailey is a research psychologist at Northwestern Univ.
 
 Donna Chapman and Benjamin Caldwell: “Attachment Injury Resolution in Couples  When One Partner is Transgender”
Journal of Systemic Therapies, Vol 31, No. 2, 2012, pp36-53
(full text of article available online)

  Anne Lawrence, "Men Trapped in Men's Bodies/Becoming What We Love."  Lawrence is a trans person and an MD, a psychologist who treated (now retired) trans identified males.  Lawrence maintains an online presence and there are articles there.
 
http://www.annelawrence.com/autogynephilia_&_MtF_typology.html
 
Autogynephilia: An Underappreciated Paraphilia Anne A. Lawrence Department of Psychology, University of Lethbridge, Lethbridge, Alta., Canada
 
https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/3eb9/a449b840ef525436454c4f658b8d364d194f.pdf

A podcast: How my ex-husband’s transition made me feel
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p06xvbsc

 
 
 

 

March 9, 2023 9:06 pm  #8


Re: What do you do when you are overwhelmed?

Take deep breaths and take things slowly.

Am so sorry this is happening. You do count and you feelings do, too.  You have the right to honor them, even if your husband puts pressure on you not to.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

March 9, 2023 9:08 pm  #9


Re: What do you do when you are overwhelmed?

Ipheloa wrote:

I can't do this.
I just can't.
I can't see where I'll be happy in this situation.
I can't see a silver lining or a happy ending.
I can't think without sobbing.
I want so desperately for this all to be over.
I want to be raw and hateful.
I can't see myself happy with a wife instead of a husband.
I can't see it.
This hurts so much I can't breathe.
He's trying to be understanding of my pain, and yet he wants me to be some happy go lucky supportive wife even though my world is caving in on me. On the surface it all looks fine. Inside I just want to die. I can't do that to my kids, but I just can't right now.
What's wrong with MY needs and MY feelings? Why do I have to accept this?
Why am I expected to be all cheering section yay you because I love him? This is telling me that if I love him, I have to just take it. I get shoved to the corner so he can wave his flag and be patted and congratulated. I am the one lost in this.
I can't.

I know the feeling. I am sorry you have to experience this. I know its awful. I cried more in the first couple of weeks and months of finding out my ex had been having an affair, lying about it, told me about it, but continued to lie and have the affair!! I have 3 kids too and we were together 23 years! 

At my lowest point, which was the day I found out, I knew I could only control one thing. MY actions. I did not eat for weeks, but I went to the gym every day, and never missed. I leaned into to meditation, and allowed myself to feel every bit of pain, sorrow, loss and betrayal. Don't restrict it! Get that out and if you have a therapist, I hope you have some friends you can confide in. The more people you can safely share, the better. 

I am not perfect. But I am in a great place and near finalizing divorce from what I've learned, is an mean spirited, ugly person who hates themselves. I've learned that if she wants to drown, I dont have to drown with her. You can make it. One day at a time, one cry at a time, inch by inch. You will make it, I promise. 

Hang in there, better days are coming even if you can not see it right now

 

March 28, 2023 11:48 am  #10


Re: What do you do when you are overwhelmed?

I want to see better days, but can't get out of this funk.  It feels like PTSD.  Last July I found proof in my ex husbands gym bag confirming that he was involved in a gay relationship.  Turns out he had been in many one nighters, short term and long term relationships with men for the past 40 years of our marriage for sure, and probably from the start. I was so naive.  I had found oddities before but when I confronted him he had a stream of lies that I always bought.  The final proof was the clincher - his greatest fear had come true, that he would be caught with no way out.  His prior "loving" personality changed like a snap of a finger in 2 seconds.  He said I ruined his life because I became disabled.  The lies, the being used, the deceiving, the secret removal of money from joint accounts, his hidden stashes of thousands, his lavish spending on himself and on his lovers.  I am now displaced - I had to leave Arizona and move to Connecticut to live with my daughter.  A drastic change in climate, a different place that I don,t feel I want to be in but have no choice.  My daughter is loving and caring and she offered to take me in.  Being homebound, a vast change in diet, the weather gloominess and cold and lack of sunshine wears me down.  The paperwork in trying to get doctors and prescriptions, endless phone calls to uncaring medical people.  Too rich for assistance but not enough money to make ends meet every month.  Seeing a therapist, she suggested this website since I am totally alone all day.  A city girl living on a goat farm in the middle of nowhere.  Really want to get past this .  Feel like I deserve a life that was taken away from me.  I am 73.  I was promised the world and felt like I had it.  Now its gone.  No friends, no transportation.  How do I dig myself out of this?

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum