I think the domestic violence I experienced in a past relationship (as well as childhood abuse)  probably set me up for the kind of relationship we had. He (is still using masculine pronouns  for now) was so gentle and kind and accepting and never would be violent toward anyone that wasn't in self defense. However, I was pretty easily gaslit and lied to, and I'm just realizing how much of it was going on. Were there red flags? Of course. But always such really good reasons to stay in my comfort zone. I was not just lied to a lot and used as his curtain, but I took a lot of grief over the years from people thinking I'm someone I'm not because of our dynamic in public and using me as a scapegoat when I wasn't aware of it. So yes, I see that as emotional abuse, and I'm really upset with both of us.

Anon2222 wrote:

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Domestic abuse (but not physical violence), yes, I would say.  If you haven't looked up Omar Minwalla's "Secret Sexual Basement" you should. 

I looked this up and all I have to say is....wow. 

If anyone can benefit from this...I put this link

https://uploads-ssl.webflow.com/617ae91f60ee604e4aad3dae/61a539b9d10d4eaac2032f2b_The_Secret_Sexual_Basement_Nov_2021.pdf 

It was eye opening. So much of it was....me. And my experiences, mental state, everything. I have a lot to absorb....

Thank you for the link. Wow. It really nails it, doesn't it? 
 

Yes, it’s abuse:  My ex impersonated a heterosexual man during the decades of our longterm marriage.
Twenty-four years into the marriage, I discovered—he never told me—that my husband had been cross-dressing for sexual gratification for many years during our marriage. That’s all I know. There’s plenty I asked and he answered but I simply couldn’t believe anything that came out of his mouth after that initial and fleeting moment of grace. There’s more I will never know, once I understood he is a pathological liar, like is he gay? (I got an AIDS test.) Is he bi? Is he a trans-wannabe? A watcher of porn? Some of the above but not all? Who knows? Not me. My world shattered, but I held myself together for the sake of our sons (2 were still in college); we separated two years after the discovery and divorced two years after that. I certainly didn’t rush into anything.
We live in a small town in a largely rural state. In that critical moment of clarity as I discovered his stash of women’s lingerie, makeup, wigs and shoes, I experienced the trauma of doubting everything he had ever told me about himself, what he was doing and how he felt, especially how he felt about me. I came to understand the overt lies he told me over time, the omission of telling me his truths, and the “gaslighting”, as a form of domestic abuse (see the work of Dr. Omar Minwalla on the topic of ”deceptive sexuality” as intimate partner abuse and domestic abuse.) “Devastated” is not too strong a word to describe my life upon discovery of his secret self. He robbed me of so much, including a special silver necklace of mine I searched high and low for, thinking I’d misplaced it and finally gave it up for “lost” –until I found it in his stash of dress-up jewelry.

I’m not aware that my ex committed any crime—although if impersonating a police officer is a crime I have no idea why impersonating a straight husband isn’t one, too. It should be. A husband who physically beats up his wife has committed a crime that goes on his record if she allows prosecution.  I remember writing a research paper in college in 1981 entitled “Forced Spousal Intimacy  —The Need To See It As A Crime” and how at that time a husband could not be charged with the “rape” of his wife. That later changed as a result of domestic abuse advocacy. I see my situation as akin to physical violence, as a severe form of emotional domestic abuse. If my ex’s brand of failure to “love, honor and cherish” were a crime, it would be part of a public record that would come up in a background search. If he’d beat me physically his actions would be a crime. The emotional beating was as disfiguring.

I believe my ex is a pathological liar—as demonstrated by the alternate reality he created and perpetuated with our family as a “prop” to appear heterosexual. Yes, I believe I was a victim of his abuse.

Lily - I can relate to much of what you write here. I'm just a month into him coming out of the closet, we've been married for 24 years and I'm 52. I don't yet know how to describe my abuse. Much of the time he was emotionally angry and I had no idea why. The fact that he wouldn't admit he's gay is dishonest at the very least. But I also look back and remind myself of all the times I smoothed over his odd behavior with friends and families, acquiesced, put up with his lack of interest in sex with me and constant need for me to tell him "stories" hoping they would involve men. I will have to figure out why I did all of these things and how to move forward in a happier and healthier way. When you say you didn't complain about him not wanting to take you to the er, I'm right there with you. I'm glad you are now used to looking after yourself, thanks for sharing that. I will get there eventually.

lily wrote:

I was 19 when I got together with my ex.  At 57 I realise he is gay in denial.  My first thought re my marriage is this is a get out of jail free card.  My second thought is maybe we can be better friends again now I know his secret.

I have no idea I have been in an abusive relationship.

It took my lawyer to point it out to me.  You do realise he is being emotionally abusive she said.  Adding he is being financially abusive too.

Oh.  

It's not something to take lightly, the line between emotional and physical can get crossed even if only in a passive way.  Somewhere in that 18 months it took to get a divorce, the time came when I am asking him to drive me into the  hospital emergency room and he ignored me.  And you know what, I didn't complain or tell any one.  Or even really think about it til later.

Now I am used to looking after myself I wouldn't take that kind of treatment from anyone and stick around.

 

In my case yes.  My ex knew she was a lesbian before entering a relationship with me.  She has a pro LGBTQIA family.  Her family is not religious.  We live in an area that is very accepting of the LGBT community.  She intentionally hid her orientation before marriage and through the purchase of a home and having two sons.    I love my children immensely and will always fight to stay a father to them......but my ex took my ability to consent to conception away by not disclosing her orientation.    When I finally discovered her orientation and asked her about it she denied and became verbally, mentally, financially and physically abusive.  She even used false allegations of homophobia in the court to try and keep me from having parenting time.  I believe 100% my situation is abuse.   I feel differently about other peoples individual situations.  For instance if my ex had discovered her orientation later in life and been honest and amicable about it.....that I would not consider abuse.