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March 8, 2023 9:27 am  #1

Three Years Down the Road

It's been 5+ years that I discovered my husband of ten years (in his 60s at the time) was identifying and dressing up like a female.  Three + years since he admitted he had sexual feelings for "some men".  Three years since I left him and filed for a divorce. 

I would like to say that I am healed but the trauma still remains.  Certain news events are triggers.  Lea Thomas competing as a woman swimmer, the political turmoil about trans, and most recently the trans that Hershey candy bars picked to be one of their women spokespersons.  

I still have nightmares about him, on a regular basis.  In all the dreams, I have left him and he is trying to get me back and I am running as fast as I can to be free of him.  

I've created a completely new life for myself.  I moved two states away to get away from him, to a town where my daughter and granddaughter live.  I spend a lot of time with their little family.  I bought a condo.  I have a part time job and have made some friends.  

Sometimes I want to call him up and ask him - Why?  Why did you pretend to be a real man?  Why did you want so badly to marry me?  Why did you finally come out?  But, I don't want to talk to him.  And I know that if I did, he would turn everything around and put the blame on me.  He acted as the victim throughout our divorce process.  

There is other fall out from our disastrous relationship.  I left the marriage as fast as I could, got a quickie divorce during the worst of Covid.  He is a well-off business owner and I realize in hindsight that I should have asked for a financial settlement.  I'm comfortably okay, but I keep thinking that he owes me something.  Also, I know that I will never have another romantic relationship.  I'm in my late 60s now.  The few interesting men I meet always have significant others.  And then I think, even if they didn't, I would be too suspicious to trust them and it wouldn't work out anyways. 

As for him - I heard he was living with another man now.  And I saw him crossing the road one day when I returned to my hometown to visit a relative.  He used to look like a slob.  That day, he was wearing a long black coat with a red scarf.  And the bright red shoes I told him to get rid of because they looked gay.  I guess he kept them, knowing some day he would get to wear them.  He didn't look very happy, though.  People who know both of us tell me he seems mentally fucked up.  

So that is my story, thank you for listening.  I drop in on this board from time to time to see how other people are faring.  This forum helped me a lot in 2020 when I was going through the worst of it.   



March 8, 2023 12:43 pm  #2

Re: Three Years Down the Road

Leslie77 wrote:

........That day, he was wearing a long black coat with a red scarf.  And the bright red shoes I told him to get rid of because they looked gay. .......


I have so much respect for how you've survived this Leslie.
I'm 64  and in the process of separating. I have a plan, it's taken me six years but I knew I  had to have my ducks in a row to know I could leave and not financially regret it. 

A couple of years ago my partner was buying some shoes and ended up with Bata Bullets.....which I thought looked juvenile and gay on him. I never said anything because I just don't care anymore.

I know what happens to and in a straightspouses life stays with them forever so I'm preparing to have it hover over me forever. I'll simply try to ignore it the best I can and enjoy the rest of my life with people I love


KIA KAHA                       

March 8, 2023 2:23 pm  #3

Re: Three Years Down the Road

Leslie, Am so glad you dumped him. You did well by getting away and building a better life.

It's been six years since my divorce was final. The trauma and pain do decrease. It's slow and painful getting there. It's like learning to walk again.

My late GIDXH had no reason to hide in the closet with the minimal homophobia in my area. He was messed up with a personality disorder. He enjoyed ruining people's lives. Maybe that's true of your ex, too. 

Wishing you continued healing. ☺️

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

March 8, 2023 5:12 pm  #4

Re: Three Years Down the Road


It's sounds like your doing everything right..I wish I lived two states away but then I'd never see my kids.

I'm years out like you and as I look back now I can say i will never understand why she married me.  I can only see the broken moral core she had.

I say count your blessing to have gotten away from him.  We will never get a sorry or apology..but we can say we loved fiercely and loyally..in this life and the next we can say we kept our vows and promises we made before God. Can they?

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

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