Anon,
 About that "it is literally ruining me."  Perhaps you're talking about financial ruin, and no doubt it sounds as if he's running you into the ground there.  But if you're talking about the psychological, then I wonder if I technique I used might help.  When I first left him, I used to describe what I felt as "broken."  He broke me; he crushed me, he ruined my life, I'm like a young pine so weighed down by snow I'm not sure I'll ever stand tall again.  Then I realized that my saying I was "broken" and he'd "ruined my life" were self-reinforcing ways to think about my pain.  How was I ever going to get better if I described myself as "broken" or "ruined" or "damaged irreparably"?  So I used a technique from cognitive behavioral therapy to reframe and rename: instead of thinking I was damaged irreparably, I thought of him and what he was as "a blight on my life."  I thought about the sycamore tree, which gets infected with anthracnose, which distorts the branches, and may contribute to a leaf drop condition that makes the tree leaf out twice each season, but it doesn't kill the tree.  Once I reframed and renamed what he did to me away from utter ruin to something that I could either live with or recover from, I was able to start focusing on recovery, and remember that every little, tiny baby step of action I took to care for myself helped me feel better and more in charge of recovery.  I'm not claiming this is a magic technique. But it helped me when I was struggling.

I wish I had advice. I don't. That's why I've been here for nearly two years. My LW of 26 years is divorcing me. She may well care about how that hurts me & our boys, but that's not stopping her. I'm screwed from an emotional, physical, & a financial point of view. This is my reality. I pray it's not yours, too. I miss the spouse I once had. The one I fell in love with 3 decades ago. I miss sex. Maybe she faked it, but I didn't. I was honest. You were honest. They were not. But we're left holding the bag. It's up to us how we move forward. In the "Shawshank Redemption," there's a line Andy Dufresne asserts that resonates with me now: "Get busy living, or get busy dying." That's our decision now. I choose the former.

yes, agree with MJ, that's really good 'no advice' advice, Phil.  I applaud the way you are just full on facing up to it.  You too Blue Bear, glad to hear you are going good.

I dunno, it's not pretty but I guess I think it helps when you see it.

At the moment I seem to be rafting through some deep down feelings around sex that are to do with the past.  It's not just the sex we didn't have, it's the sex we did have.  I don't remember recognising it at the time, I still bonded with him, but underneath it all, subconsciously I was distressed at the sense I had of his distaste for me touching him.  It is good to have that feeling released and the awful distress I was unable to voice at the time acknowledged, it's cleansing somehow.


 

Last edited by lily (March 5, 2023 5:00 pm)

firefly wrote:

The other day I caught my reflection in the mirror, and my first thought was, "hey! I am not ugly."

I am not ugly. 
 

I've never met you and I'm not hitting on you, no reason to. I can just tell, you are not an ugly person. You are someone who has been through an abusive situation and had your confidence shaken, like all of us here. 23 years for me, over the first several months, I cried more than my previous 43 years of life combined. She still tries to get at me, still trying to hurt me financially and otherwise, but I am at a place now where it doesnt really matter. I an completely indifferent to her life. You will get there. It will be painful, but each low stays for a shorter period of time, the highs get higher. You will make it! 

Firefly - This journey is tough but it helped when I stopped looking for my GID husband to own up to his SH**! I realize that he didn't care how much pain he caused me. I had to do what was best for me and my sanity. It sucks because we still care and love these men! However, love is not enough. Love is a byproduct of respect and trust. Both have been breached in our cases! 

With God, therapy, and a good Attorney, I can say that I am on the road to healing. But I stopped looking for any answers from my husband. It became counter-productive and kept me stuck. 

Hang in there!