I will try to keep this short but admittedly its a long story. To be clear me and husband will be officially divorced next month. However I am still trying to process everything I've learned over the last 8 months or so.

In May 2022, I figured out that my husband was having an affair. And I wish it was that simple. That day, when he found me reading his text messages, he explained that he's been battling his gender identity for years. I learned that in our 18 years of marriage, over a 20vyear relationship about 10 years ago he started to have other 'wants" that he never ever shared with me. I knew he watched porn and truly did not care, however, I had no idea what exactly he was watching. According to him it escalated quickly to well, female trans without the final surgery. He says he never did anything in person with anyone, and silly me I am inclined to believe him on that part. I was completely clueless, though I will say around this time our sex life declined. Of course I thought it was all on me at the time, but looking back I can see the lack of interest or satisfaction on his part, and I think subconsciously I picked up on that.

Fast forward to 2021 when he reconnected with an ex-girlfriend from high school (24 years ago). He did not hide that they were talking, just how much and to what extent. It went from email to phone calls, to video chats, to sexting and eventually a meet up in a cabin for 5 days (Shes 2 states away) Yes I said, she. And this is where it all gets so dang complicated. According to my soon to be ex-husband, he figured out he is more female than male. He disclosed to her, and talked about things I never ever know about him, after 20+ years of being together. But he is without a doubt attracted to the female form, though admittedly will watch and get excited by MOM, as long as one is feminine enough. And he shared all of this with her, and more. I guess shes ok with it?

But here's the rub, he never shared any of this with me. Not once. In our 20 years relationship in 10 years of him figuring things out on his own. He was certain, me and his entire family (parents and sister) would completely disown him if we found out. And it makes him angry that now that we have found out, not one of us have abandoned him. We support him as he tries to figure out his gender identity. I really do hope he figures out who he/she is. However I can not stand for the affair he has, and continues to have. To put it bluntly, he choose her over me. They have moved in together before divorce papers were even filed. This mess that he's made, is inexcusable. And what I cant fathom is the lies or more the secrecy he's kept for a decade. How you betray your spouse in such a way, I know I'll never understand.

And the fallout from this is so confusing. Sure I can tell people were divorcing cuz he's living the affair partner. Thats the easy part right. How do I explain he started talking to the other woman because he needed someone outside of his family and friends to disclose an even bigger lie. To keep something so meaningful to the one you've promised to share everything with. My entire life with him as been a lie. And that there, is the hardest part. Half our relationship he's kept things, wants, feelings, and thoughts from me, when I shared absolutely everything with him.
And this gender identify issue just muddies the waters. I want to support him. i want him to figure it out, and be stronger. But how can I when hes shacked up with someone else and left me like 20 years means nothing. I know this site isn't for infidelity and betrayal but this extra layer of things makes it so much worse and I have no idea where to turn for help. ( yes I'm in therapy but lets be honest its hard to find one that knows what were really talking about).

So here I am writing this all down. Not sure of the purpose. The course for me is clear. Divorce is filed, court date a month away after waiting the mandatory 4 months. I just need to figure out how to live with everything. Looking for a friend I suppose. Someone that might know a thing about what I am talking about.
​If you've made it this far, thanks for reading my story.