=10ptTwo nights ago after making myself dinner and cozying up next to my fiance on the couch to watch Master Chef my partner told me he wanted to talk. I was confused and instantly anxious as "we need to talk" is never a good segue into a super casual and happy conversation. I immediately started reflecting on everything that had happened recently trying to pinpoint what the conversation could be about. However, the conversation was not something I could've ever seen coming. He basically told me the story of how our past month together has been for him. I feel like I need to go way further back to express ALL the grief I feel, so I am sorry in advance for the long post. This is the first time I've written anything out about this situation for me and how I feel. So let us go back to the beginning. When we first started talking my fiance was very open and informed me he was bisexual. Which I accepted and supported (is it bad to say now I am HEAVILY reflecting on this decision) because I trusted him and was very interested in him. Fast forward 3 years, I have my degree now and he was a huge support system while I was in school. This experience for me was way different than anything I had ever experienced. I grew up in a broken home and raised myself and relied on myself but with him, I felt like I had someone I could trust and rely on and so I did. I even went to therapy for years since meeting him because I felt that I was retaining old hurt that would inhibit our growth and affect the way I loved him. Then came covid... I am immunocompromised so covid for me was a VERY isolating experience but he was there. He did everything I couldn't do for me. He went grocery shopping and visited my family (checking on them for me) he even helped me find hobbies and study for my MCAT and set up a room so that I could do from the safety of our home. He even minimized his own outside contact because he was scared for me. Later in 2020, he started having issues with his work, he was having a hard time coping and being okay with the type of work he was doing. He told me if he had to keep doing it he may harm himself. I knew it was the perfect time for me to support him as he supported me so I got a job and started working in a lab. I told him he could quit if he wanted because I could easily afford to support us both. He did quit as I wanted to move (2021) for work and he wanted to come with me and had found a great job in the same area I worked. So we moved. This time in my life was the happiest I'd ever been. I was living by the beach in a great city near my friends I was going out and building a community that could support me. It was honestly amazing and thinking back even now I wish so desperately that I could go back. However, a dark cloud was looming. My fiance confided in me that again he was having a hard time with his work and was VERY unhappy. This broke my heart as I felt the move had been nothing but a positive experience for me. I was determined to help him through his crisis like I had the last but this one was much worse. He told me he was having suicidal thoughts and it was plaguing him. So I did what any partner would do... I told him to quit his job... again I was making more than enough to support us as he got help from a therapist and left the main source of pain... his job (he didn't). So... fast forward to the year 2022 and I get an offer to attend medical school from an AMAZING institution. I was overjoyed. I have worked so long and so hard for this, it means the world to me. To commemorate this amazing moment in my life I decided to visit the school and take photos around the campus. This was when my boyfriend of 5 years became my fiance. I was so so so happy, I cried. I was just overjoyed that at some point in my life, I made a decision that made this reality possible. I knew I had found my life partner and I could easily see what that future looked like. It was so filled with love and support. I could imagine him and me having a daughter and him supporting, teaching, and guiding her gently the way he always did with me. Despite dealing with racism and microaggressions from his family (he defended me) I really didn't think I could have anyone better and I didn't want anyone else. So we moved again... and this again gave him the ability to leave his shitty job again. I was really relieved because I was worried about his well-being and no matter what I did or how I tried to help it felt like there was nothing I could do. We now had the next chapter open and we were both so excited to dive into it. This new city has been harder to live in because there is no support system here for us. He started a new job and I started school. Things seemed to be turning up for him as he started partaking in old hobbies and was really interested in making friends. Then about a month ago things got weird again... we had a very intense weekend where we had sex like ALOT all weekend which to me was nice. I am a very sexual person and I enjoy giving and receiving pleasure from my partner so I was very happy about it. However, what happened after was he became distant, started refusing any advances I made, and refused to make any of his own. We went into a dry spell and I was VERY confused. So as communication isn't something we struggle with I decided to check in on him and make sure everything was alright. I was told we were fine and it was just work-related stress, which I could understand because new jobs can be stressful. Then fast forward a week and he tells me he's been contemplating suicide, over 20 times a day. he said sometimes it had a method with it and sometimes it was just a quick thought but he said that it was just a compulsive thought and that he would never do it. I told him to get a therapist and talk through it and tried my best to support him. Honestly, I was scared and lost, I was terrified id come home to his dead body after class. I felt like I was walking around with 1000 lbs on my back every day. I have been walking on eggshells wondering if I should take the keys to the ammunition for his guns. However, I wanted to trust that he wouldn't follow through as he very adamantly said he wouldn't. He claimed it was beyond his control and they were thoughts he dealt with since he was a teen. Although it wasn't reassuring I decided to just watch him closely and try to make sure there were no signs. He had signed up for therapy so I was hopeful that he was finally gonna get the help he needed. On the day of his therapy appointment, he asked me not to be in the apartment as he wanted privacy which I understood so I decided to hit the gym. When I came back it was great he was more affectionate and seemed overall much happier. We didn't have sex or anything but he was touching me and being cozy again and I was really grateful for it. Now here we are in the present... I was very happy I had aced 2 of my 3 first round of exams and was gearing up for the second (should be doing that rn).
Alright back to where I started this...

=13.3333pxTwo nights ago after making myself dinner and cozying up next to my fiance on the couch to watch Master Chef my partner told me he wanted to talk. I was confused and instantly anxious as "we need to talk" is never a good segue into a super casual and happy conversation. I immediately started reflecting on everything that had happened recently trying to pinpoint what the conversation could be about. However, the conversation was not something I could've ever seen coming. He basically told me the story of how our past month together has been for him. He told me that after we had dabbled in shrooms he watched a TV show and realized he was jealous of a lesbian woman in the show for who she was. That he felt as if he wanted to be her. he said he pushed on the feeling and went to bed.. apparently he couldn't shake the feeling when he woke up and it was this overwhelming feeling that he couldn't stand. We had a very intense sexual weekend as I mentioned before but apparently for him, he felt he was "trying to fuck it out of his system" which broke my heart because what I thought was a weekend of us bonding and giving each other pleasure was really just him using my body for his own vices. He continued to say that he was unsure if he was transgender and that he goes back and forth from knowing he 100% is not to being sure he is. He said he is planning on working through it with his therapist. He asked me not to call him handsome or compliment his muscles as it makes him feel uncomfortable. He acknowledged my being completely straight and knowing I would not date another woman. He ended up asking me to not tell my family. We went to sleep that night in the same bed in the same room and for the first time in weeks, he made a move... I thought who knew when we would do this again and I really wanted/needed his affection. however, I didn't finish, and after a realization hit me... If he transitioned it would all be over, everything. Our entire relationship everything we built would be over. I cried all night I couldn't sleep and I haven't been able to eat. I spent all day yesterday mourning the death of my relationship. I am so confused I don't know if I want to distance myself now and grieve now or if I wait until later if he ever becomes sure that he is. I felt angry like I'd been lied to constantly since the beginning. I feel abandoned, he knows what will happen if he transitions. He came home from work yesterday to me ringless drunk and sad. I can't wear my engagement ring I can't look at our engagement pictures. I feel like a piece of shit for feeling like this. I love him so deeply but I don't know if I can go down this road with him. I don't know if I can handle it. I tried to express this last night but he just asked me to sit with the feeling think of the worst-case scenario and sit with it, "play with it in your mind". he also asked me to "give it a few days" I am so confused you guys. I feel so shut down so defeated so useless. I just need help. I don't even know if I have a question. I'm just lost. he keeps saying I'm feeling everything he has felt but I don't care. I feel like this because of him. I don't care if there's some light at the end of the anxiety tunnel I'm in. I just don't want to deal with this but I have no choice. I feel like I'm drowning and I have no idea how to stay afloat. I feel terrible. I feel betrayed. I feel like we broke up but we are still in love. How do I let that go? How do I let go of my best friend? I just don't know. it's so complicated.

I feel so alone.