You appear to be very accepting and supportive of your partner totally flipping your life upside-down and changing it forever. Always remember the way you felt the first time this issue raised it's head because those were your true feelings. Since then you've had the confused thoughts that it's your responsibility to love and carry him through this because you love him, all the while keeping your true feelings hidden because you don't want to lose him.
Put your own survival ahead of your partner's because his desire to be like a  woman will overtake his need to respect your thoughts and opinion about not wanting to be with one.

You need to talk to someone about this. Not your partner... Somebody who will keep your confidence

Elle

You love him and want him to be happy. That’s the way it should be. Also, you deserve to be loved and happy. One of the hard parts in situations like these is that our needs are opposed. He can’t be happy unless he transitions in some way (I assume). You can’t be happy married to a trans woman. Both of those things are valid.

You can’t sacrifice yourselves for the other like that. It’s doesn’t work. That isn’t love. It would be motivated by love but there’s a difference.

Last edited by HereInMpls2717 (February 20, 2023 3:09 pm)

When I read your post it sounds more like a parent talking about a child, than a wife talking about a husband.  You sound like you're deeply focused on minimizing his pain, but that's not what a marriage should be.  

If he wants to transition, you can be his best friend.  But, I don't see the building blocks of a marriage.  I see a child and an adult.

I'm sorry if I've overstepped.  Breaking up is hard, but trust me -- divorce is exponentially harder.

Sweetie, it has been a few weeks since you posted. How are you doing?

I want to address a couple of things in your post, but first.... full disclosure. My ex has transitioned. My ex first mentioned cross-dressing while we were dating, but described it as something he used to do and hadn't done it for a very long time. To me "a long time" meant years. To him, it meant days.

First of all, you mention that you are not transphobic but the idea of marrying a man who may become a woman is a little scary. These 2 things are not intertwined, so don't lump them together. You can be fully supportive of a person's desire to transition without wanting to be in a life long love relationship with that person. Not wanting to marry a man who may one day become a woman doesn't make you transphobic. It makes you heterosexual. 

But that leads to another point.... you say "may" turn out to be a trans woman. These things happen incrementally. They always say they just want to cross dress at home, then it is gender neutral clothing in public, then full out cross-dressing in public, then hormones, etc. The entire time they will tell you they don't want to fully transition though. Don't believe it. I'm not saying your guy is being dishonest with you. I am saying his desires will grow stronger and stronger and eventually he will want to transition to the extent that his (and maybe your) bank account will allow.

You say he deserves all the happiness in the world. Well, and I say this as respectfully as possible, are you the right person for him? Look, I loved my ex, but not after she transitioned. The most loving thing I could do for BOTH of us was end the 20+ year marriage. I felt we both deserved someone we could love wholeheartedly and someone who could return that love. If you continue in this relationship, can you love your wife with your whole heart? If she deserves every happiness, doesn't she deserve someone who can?

Finally, and most importantly, what about YOU? Don't you deserve someone you can love? Someone you can be all in with? Someone who loves you and puts you first? You sound a lot like I used to be. I always put my husband and kids needs and desires above my own, and the thought was that my husband had my back. He was the one making me a priority - only he wasn't. I was making him my priority and he was also making him his priority. Nobody was making me a priority, and it took its toll on me. Everntually, my self-esteem and my health plummeted. I was just a shell of the vibrant, adventurous, and fiercely independent woman I was. I was depressed, needy, and desperate to do whatever I had to do to make my husband love and desire me. 

I am now divorced, and it hasn't been an easy road. I gave up my career to raise and homeschool our children, so money is always tight. I am working hard (2 jobs and looking for a 3rd) to put my kids through college. I haven't dated since my divorce, but that is okay. The thought of dating terrifies me. The hole I had to dig myself out of took every ounce of strength I had and left me broken and bruised and terrified of being thrown back down there again. I am healing though and when the time comes, I will return to therapy to learn to deal with the trust issues I was left with after being lied to for 25 years. My youngest is a junior in college, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I tell the kids I am going to sell everything and buy a little RV and hit the road - just me and the dog. Or maybe I will move to Hawaii for a couple of years or maybe take that around the world cruise I've been dreaming of. Who knows. But whatever I do, it will be what I want to do. However, I also want to say, that no matter how difficult my life can be now, it is light years better than it would have been if I had stayed. I really hate to think about what would have happened to me if I had stayed.

I wish you all the best, and stay strong.