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February 14, 2023 6:24 pm  #1

Two Years Too Much

Hi, I married a guy during the Pandemic, been married two years and it's been HELL for me.

At first, he told me "I'm not good with intimacy" when we first started dated.  The first time he saw me fully naked he said out loud that he thought he might be gay, so I tried to help him find the answer while we were living together, b4 marriage. He experimented with a guy and then came back to me and promised that he hated it and that he wasn't gay.

The sex was always bizarre and strange though, he acted like someone who had been sexually traumatised as a baby or as a child, like always going into fetal position when naked. I felt sorry for him and tried to help him with compassion. I found him a urologist, a psychologist and other specialists who determined he had no Testo and had an undescended testicle, so I thought, that's it, that can be fixed and I had hope. So, I got him help for it.

But...he's always been a dry kisser, never looks at me when I'm naked, strange/awkward in bed, and made excuses about his ED. At first it was, he blamed it on smoking and bad circulation or alcohol, then it was that he just liked prostate stimulation and to "experiment", then it was that he was very empathetic and if I was stressed he wouldn't be able to perform, then it was that he liked to be submissive, etc. etc. etc. At one point during sex he blurted out "this is so not like me". The sex got better when he was on Testo. But then...he just stopped everything, stopped treatment, stopped medication, full stop and things have been horrible for me.

3 months ago I found his secret sexual paraphilia toys. He's into genital mutilation of the penis and balls and he had 3 huge black dildos and a bunch anus expanding toys and ball and torture devices When I confronted him about them, he lied and said they were old. They weren't, he bought them recently. He thinks that this is "experimentation"...but...obviously this stuff desensitizes him and makes him unable to get an erection with a women (me). I kicked him out.

He's been back living with me a month now and I caught him locked in the bathroom playing with his penis pump alone. I found out that he had just bought some new plastic colored ring accessories for it, and found the packaging in the trash. So, he's at it again. I don't know if he was trying to use it to be with me later (we didn't have sex) or if he's just going back to his favorite little solo hobby in secret. I want to feel sorry for him...but...IDK anymore. I'm not getting anything out of this relationship and the secrecy is so stupid.

In any case...I'm very confused. He won't admit he is gay, I feel like he won't tell me the truth, he's contacted Dominatrix's on instagram and Facebook...he tells me that he just likes Feminin Domination and to be submissive. But, it's such a turn off for me. I hate it and I hate when he acts like a submissive all the time. He says he wants more of that and for me to be DOM...but...NO THANKS! THAT'S A JOB.

I really thought the medical treatment to balance his testo and antidepressents would help him flourish and mature as a man, but....instead...I discovered that I will never know who or what the hell he is. The last thing he said about it was. "I don't know what I am". How can a 40 year old not know? WTF?

I just want to get out of this marriage, I need support to stay strong and separate from him. I feel like I'm loosing my sanity right now.



February 14, 2023 6:48 pm  #2

Re: Two Years Too Much

This is definitely out of my wheel house but I do know you deserve happiness as much as he does. YOU deserve someone who you are sexually compatible with. And so does he—whomever that may be?? It doesn’t sound like he really knows either. But you know what you’re into or not into at least.

Do what’s right for you.


February 14, 2023 6:52 pm  #3

Re: Two Years Too Much

Thanks for writing Cookie. I don't know anyone who I can talk to about this...but I'm sure he is a closet homosexual. And I think I'm ready to move one too...I just need the strength. Oh please...the strength. 

     Thread Starter

February 14, 2023 8:02 pm  #4

Re: Two Years Too Much

Just keep repeating to yourself "Whatever he is, he isn't for me" and make an appointment with an attorney where you are residing who can help you end this marriage. A partner should not be a project.

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

February 14, 2023 8:04 pm  #5

Re: Two Years Too Much

Separating is hard, I know I moved out about 4 months ago and working with a lawyer to come up with the separation agreement and subsequent divorce decree and it’s so hard. And he’s been gaslighting me through our whole separation and the months leading up so it SHOULDNT be hard and he’s transitioning to a whole new gender and yet it’s STILL hard. There’s still the love for the other person there but I just keep telling myself I deserve to be happy too.

Best of luck, stay strong.


February 15, 2023 11:04 am  #6

Re: Two Years Too Much

Chelhell - I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Come here to vent anytime! When things get hard and you start to question your decision to get out, ask yourself these questions: Do I want to live in this situation until he decides to pursue another lifestyle?  What advice would I give my daughter if she was in this situation (even if you don't have one)? Is this the love I want? Every time you start to self-doubt your decisions and actions, go back to your reasons why you have to get out.

I hate to be blunt but the hard decisions are so freaking hard to make and carry out! You are doing a good job to take steps toward what is right for you. Your emotions will go up and down. It's a roller coaster for sure! 

Last edited by gwendolyn_C (February 15, 2023 11:05 am)


February 15, 2023 3:12 pm  #7

Re: Two Years Too Much

Not a long term marriage...run like your hair is on fire.

Sounds like he loves whatever more than you.  Whatever he is..not for you.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

February 15, 2023 4:52 pm  #8

Re: Two Years Too Much

I really loved those three questions gwendolyn_C. I'm going to make them my computer wallpaper from now on so that I look at them every day! Those are very very good.

And Rob, I really appreciate a man commenting because...I just don't know and still have doubts you know? But if you're a guy and you're saying...run, that means something. Are you sure that prostate stimulation is not a sure sign he's gay though? I mean don't some straight men like that?

     Thread Starter

February 15, 2023 6:47 pm  #9

Re: Two Years Too Much


I agree that you should exit the relationship. As others have said, regardless of labels, he isn't for you. No more understanding needed. Sometimes people just aren't compatible. 

Your sexuality (gay, straight, lesbian, bi) has to do with who you want to have sex and romantic intimacy with, not what you like to do. Therefore, prostate stimulation has nothing to do with your sexuality. If a man only wanted to be the recipient of anal sex and didn't want to do anything else with his partner, regardless of gender, that might be an exception. 

Just my two cents. 


February 16, 2023 12:26 am  #10

Re: Two Years Too Much


If I had a beautiful wife I would not be in the bathroom with toys.

You should be enough..you should be more than enough.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

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