Sad,
 It sounds more like your husband is an autogynephile, or a man who is sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a woman, and watches a lot of porn, particularly "shemale" porn.  Many autogynephiles (my ex, for one), see being penetrated as "playing the part of a woman," because they associate penetration with femaleness.  (My ex said to me, "I want to play the part of a woman; I want to be penetrated.")   

What you're dealing with is not a man who is gay; you're dealing with a man who has a sexual paraphilia.  That's what autogynephilia is.  At base, however, getting an exact definition matters less than whether you find his behavior acceptable in a partner.  He is not going to go back to being the partner you once (thought you) had.  Autogynephiles ramp up their fantasies and behaviors over time, and each new step leads to the desire for another--as you yourself describe.  As I can attest, living with a man who implicitly and explicitly devalues you sexually takes a huge toll on your own self-esteem.  Sometimes the people we love can be bad for us; as for him, his behavior does not sound particularly loving towards you.  

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 8, 2023 9:22 am)

My comments in red

Sad&Lonely wrote:

We have been together for 20 yrs. 38 years here 
In the beginning our sex life was great. Ditto. I thought I'd hit the jackpot he was so attentive and into me. 
Then about 5 or 6 yrs into the marriage he starts adding lingerie for me to wear. My partner was always buying me lingerie/pretty things/sexy silky things. When you are in love doing this comes across as a 'love'ly thing.
From there it progressed to him wearing matching panties. After a few more years I caught him wearing my lingerie. Yeah my SO bought me a pair of crotchless, lacy tights. I saw it through my Love Eyes, but eventually I discovered he wore my silk underwear and the tights he swore he'd thrown out. 
I was so mad because he was stretching them out and I didn't even want to wear them. Anger is one of your best tools to help you get through this. But it has to be anger at what he is doing to you and it has to galvanise you into wanting to be strong enough to see he'll never change and that you deserve more.

After that he started buying nylons, shoes and satin long arm gloves. He started telling me during sex how he wanted to wear these while we had sex. I said no because it doesn't turn me on. Then a few years later I caught him masturbating to videos of men with boob jobs and dressed like women and then these men would have sex with actual women in the videos. It hurt because it started to make sense why our sex life was not good. He has a hard time cumming unless he talks about this stuff or I give him a bj for a long time or he masterbates on me. Then recently about a year or 2 ago he started telling me during sex that he wished I had a penis. He also said during sex that he wished he was getting anal from a "shemale" ( his words) while we were having sex. Omg....what degrading and hurtful things to say! I'll bet he said it in a sexy voice that he thought made him sound like he was turning you on but was only turning him on. 

This has all been very painful and hurtful to me. I have gotten such low self esteem because I don't feel like I am enough for him sexually. You have to go one step further....from feeling bad about yourself ​to standing up for yourself 
I don't feel like he is really attracted to me nor do I even want to have sex with him because of this. I have developed some issues from this including putting on about 100lbs because I feel so gross and ugly that I have stopped caring about what I look like. I hate this feeling. Yip that feeling is a real bitch. But the answer to it lies with you. Your husband's not going to help you. You have to feel worthy. He's there for himself. Everything you've written about him screams self-involved, selfish and one-sided.
I would rather let him masterbate than touch me. I love him and other than the sex he is very caring and kind Yeah that initial love-hold they get over us is a real killer of our individuality. My partner's a great guy too.
..but I miss being intimate. We haven't had sex in over a year. I haven't had sex in 3 years. I would rather masturbate than ever touch or be touched by him intimately again. Once you find the power in yourself to stand up to the way this man is treating you, once you admit to yourself that this is who he is, and when you want to live your own life not his....things will start to change.

Can someone here let me know if you have been through something similar and whether or not my husband is secretly gay or something else? Who cares if he's gay, bisexual or a demi-jigsaw....you're not. Stop giving him all your power

TIA

Elle