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February 5, 2023 4:40 pm  #1


to Grey Haired Granny

I have just read your story and I haven't got a lot of time up my sleeve this morning so forgive me for being brief, but I wanted to say this quickly - what you have learnt about him is not news to him.  The news he got was you have found him out.  You are in deep shock and need some time to process the new information but for him this is a call to action in whatever plans he has in the event of discovery.  My ex upped the level of money he was siphoning out of our joint account into his private one and went round talking to all my friends, gaslighting me all the way.  A life of lies all the way.

I don't think telling your children is outing him, it's being honest with them and it's giving them pertinent information for their lives.  I think you have every right as well as the need to talk about this with your family and friends.  It is your story, he made it your story when he married you.

I was so shocked when I realised my ex was gay in denial that I literally fell to the floor.  As I lay there unable to get up I thought he could do what he liked but I needed to stop being silent, I needed to talk, and I promised myself I would, then I was able to get up.

 

 

February 5, 2023 6:52 pm  #2


Re: to Grey Haired Granny

Thanks lily. I do realize that I need to process but I feel like I am on a roller coaster, bad days and days that I can get through. Today was especially difficult as my siblings all flew in to celebrate my mother’s 101st birthday. I wanted to tell my husband to stay home but knew if he didn’t come there would be questions but by  having him there I continue with the lie. I could not be myself (whoever that is now) as I only see my siblings about twice a year. We will be together again tomorrow so hopefully I can get through it. I also don’t want my mother to know any if this as it would just kill her so I can’t out him completely. I do have a very good girlfriend  who knows everything and she is the shoulder for me to lean on. I also hope I can get some support and advice from this Board.

 

February 5, 2023 8:55 pm  #3


Re: to Grey Haired Granny

Gray haired Granny wrote:

..... I feel like I am on a roller coaster.....

My comments in red. 
GHG....you said
"He has said nothing about this the past 2 weeks and acts like nothing has changed". they do that right?. Sweep it under the rug, if they deny it it can't be true. But you know it's true, don't allow him to beat you down with dismissiveness. 
 "My therapist says I have every right to tell my kids but do I have the right to out him when he denies being gay?" Then call him a cheater, call him bisexual. Dishonest. A liar. And yes, it's your life, tell them about it. 
 "I am not shocked at finding this out but sad and confused. I’m not sure I can ever trust him again." Actually why should you ever trust him again?
"I am very scared as to what my future holds and the fear of being alone is terrifying." I'm right there with you GHG. I'm 65 and about to drop a bombshell tomorrow night on my partner of 38 years....and our 2 adult children because I'd rather have 1 conversation than 3. I'm scared from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes about what happens after. I just know I can not take this anymore. 
 "Right now, I plan on taking one step at a time but where it takes me, I’m not sure." That is the way to do it. One step at a time. Mindfully. Always able to offload here, ask questions. Rant a little

Your siblings sound like your best ally and support. I reckon after you tell your children...you tell them

Elle


 


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 6, 2023 5:11 pm  #4


Re: to Grey Haired Granny

Hi G,

Yes, the roller coaster is the deep shock.  I remember thinking it is like a lightning strike it has lit up the nighttime landscape and then the roller coaster of emotions was on.  I spent a lot of time curled up on my bed in the studio with my cat nearby.  In my 40's I had learnt to do that - curl up and listen to my emotions speak as they came and went.  And it helps.

My point though is that he isn't in a state of shock.  No rollercoaster for him - and what's worse, he is likely to be in hyper drive looking after his interests.  A life of lies, it doesn't stop for him but you have got off his merry go round he will take action.

My ex went about the business of feathering his own nest at my expense.  He went to astonishing lengths to chat with my closest friends and was successful in turning them.  It was really cruel.  One woman thought he was interested in her when he doesn't even like her and he was boasting to me about it.  Nothing I could do about it he painted me as selfish greedy bitch taking credit for everything he did - ie he pretended it was me not him who did that.  It was astonishingly effective.  My closest friend who had spent countless hours in the kitchen with me actually believed he was the one who did all the cooking while I took credit for it.  I was just stunned, how can you believe that don't you remember, and she blushed as she said well yes, but .. her voice trailed into silence.  It only lasted a few seconds and then she was back to telling me what I should do (ie what he wanted her to tell me).

See I am telling you my story hoping it will help jog you into some protective measures.  Yes you will be processing that rollercoaster of emotion for some time to come but as much as you can, protect yourself now.

Talk to more family and friends, gather support, get a handle on your financial affairs.

My mother saw through my ex before I did.  She would have liked to have seen me safely away before she died but she did everything she could to resource me and I am so sure she would be proud of me today.  

 

     Thread Starter
 

February 7, 2023 8:29 am  #5


Re: to Grey Haired Granny

Granny,

I think that is the difference between us and them.... we could not be in a chat room that betrays our marriage vows and hurts the one purpose in the world we love the most..    But they have no problem doing it..    That confounded me more than the gay...the gay was just icing on the cake to say game over, complete rejection  etc..     

Read the first aid thread ,  build your support system.,  small steps to weather the trauma and hurt and decide your actions..   There is no set time frame or solution that fits everyone.     No judgement here..only support.

Wishing you strength and courage.
 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

February 7, 2023 8:43 am  #6


Re: to Grey Haired Granny

GHG - This is where the rollercoaster happens for sure, especially if your husband is Gay-in-Denial. You have to know that he's had years of practice denying but engaging in a gay lifestyle. He has years of practice of being deceitful and manipulative to practice the lifestyle.  You will lose the battle of convincing him to come out and be truthful. I urge you not to spend your energy and emotions trying to make him tell the truth. I learned this from Ryan ( he has really good Podcasts).  Spend your time gathering your support to determine what you want to do. 

I am 44 years old with 3 younger children. Filing for legal separation has been the hardest act of my life. After my 3rd child and new "friends" entered our marriage, I tried my best to keep our family together while I was unfulfilled on so many levels. I tried MOM and Open Marriage. I now see that this is not what I want. I want my peace and values. Wishing you the best as you navigate this journey. 

 

February 7, 2023 6:27 pm  #7


Re: to Grey Haired Granny

Thank you all for your support. Most of you are further along in the process and though this road is all different for us, it does help me to think about all the possibilities that I could face. He has always handled the finances but he has never denied me anything financially. However, when I confronted him 3 weeks ago with what I had found out, he said maybe we should separate. He said in order to live separately that we would have to sell the house. Since we have lived in this house for over 20 years it requires some work so for now we could live separate lives under the same roof! Then I overheard him telling my brother this weekend that he is planning a trip to Africa. I kept my mouth shut as there were lots of people around but it made me realize that I do need to keep a closer watch on the finances. I really doubt he will go but then again I didn’t think he would do what he has already done.

Again, thanks for your thoughts and Good Luck tonight Elle on dropping the bombshell to your partner and adult children.

 

February 7, 2023 6:50 pm  #8


Re: to Grey Haired Granny

Please don't stint on the support you need.  (Tell your doctor, if you don't feel you can tell anyone else.)  This is a situation in which being isolated from others opens you to manipulation by your spouse.  It sounds to me as if his threat to sell the house in order to live separately is either a move to get you in line (he knows you don't want to sell) or his telegraphing to you that he is planning to leave unilaterally.  You may need to do more than to simply get access to the finances so you can view them; you may need to seek legal advice for how to protect your financial rights.  

 

February 7, 2023 7:50 pm  #9


Re: to Grey Haired Granny

Everyone needs money to live.  Divorce often forces women into poverty.

Any spouse who exclusively handles the finances has a leg up during a divorce.  The one who doesn't,  does not have long term experience with family assets and debits.

If they lie and manipulate regarding their sexual preference, wouldn't you think it's not that difficult to lie about finances to a spouse they don't care about who may drag them out of the closet?

I think it's mandatory to learn about finances when you want to separate. It's the most important job you have before, during and after divorce. 

Start googling and ask friends for financial advice. Many public libraries have classes on financial fitness and management.

Here are some articles about divorce and finances.

https://www.cnbc.com/amp/2021/09/21/divorce-can-devastate-womens-retirement-savings-how-to-rebuild.html

https://www.forbes.com/sites/nextavenue/2018/07/15/the-6-nasty-financial-surprises-for-divorcing-women/amp/


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

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