I felt the same - wanting to do everything I could but now I wish I'd done as little as I could and taken as much as I could!

"She is acting like I have been the problem all along. I dont take it personally,.."

this is a great response.  yes it's not something to take personally - I like that.  

Of course, my ex deceived me into marriage, cheated on me, trashed my life, stole from me and continues to attack me personally. 

On the outside he appears to be such a nice straight man who got done over by an insane bitch whom he still loves.

I think the resentment is maybe an inevitable expression of the sexual repulsion he felt towards me.  

He's a diva, he wants big butch men falling at his feet, and instead he got me, this horrible creeping female.  I might empathise a bit if he didn't do it to himself, screwing me over in the process. 
 

Last edited by lily (January 17, 2023 3:37 pm)

I just joined this forum (33yo 7y marriage, 2 kids). I can honestly say for the first time since i found out my wife was a lesbian, I am resolved to get a divorce and it feels hopeful for me. 

Its only been three months since I found out she had an affair w a woman. She told me she had sex with this woman when I had been drinking and with both of them present and we had a threesome. At the time I thought it was a one time lapse of judgement from my wife and they wanted to bring me in. 

Soon after I recognized it as an affair and betrayal. My GW made it clear there was no stopping her from engaging with her new lover. She wanted me to be ok with her having a girlfriend. I wasn't. I was too threatened. I told her I would try a poly throuple as it seemed like maybe it would be cool to have two chicks or something. Somehow duped myself into believing that a polyamorous relationship with my GW and her girlfriend was the only way to save my marriage. We had several threesomes and it was just me and this other woman having sex with my wife. I never had sex with this women during these encounters, she was too guarded. I wasn't wanted there. It led to performance anxiety which made it so I couldn't get hard which had never happened to me before. Just imagine your wife's adulter watching you have sex with your wife who she probably discussed your intimacy issues with.

I watched them make love first hand and her be so much more into what this woman was doing to her than anything we had done since the early days when we had first hitched, maybe ever. I'm probably scared from the experience. 

At first I had some agency in my marriage and my station was so quickly lowered to being irrelevant in such a short time. As it started to fall apart. I fought for months for even a single attempt at reconciliation without her new lover in the picture. Each of them relentlessly justified their experience as personal growth and discovering themselves. I was torn to pieces.

She watched me suffering beyond description and it was never enough to move her to change her actions. She was ready to transition seemlessly from our 13y relationship and 7y marriage with two kids into dating her new lez lover. They work together in the same small building as me. I see both their cars every time I go to my office and sometimes in the building in places. They just do whatever no matter the cost to others.

I can relate with so many of these posts. I started the divorce process and this forum is what made me resolute in my decision. When the switch flips and you become irrelevant, trying to hold on only makes things harder and more drawn out.

I've read a lot and listened to a lot of people who are participants and even coaches in non-monogamy, polyamory, ope relationships, etc. I'm guessing a lot of us explore that option as least somewhat. I have no direct experience with it. My initial reaction to my LW coming out to me was to go toward that for her benefit, though I believed her to be bi at the time and expected our relationship to remain intimate. I would have been willing to give it a try but she wasn't.

That said, everything I've heard about those arrangements emphasizes you have to have beyond amazing communication skills and habits AND it has to be what you want, not an attempt to fix a faltering relationship. If you were both happy in your relationship and things were mostly healthy and you both decided you wanted to get into that lifestyle, it could work. I'm sure it's possible for people to alter their relationship that way to deal with a MOM situation, but overall it isn't recommended. 

If you want to learn more and you can do so by listening, look for podcasts about open marriages, especially when the speakers are relationship coaches or experts. There is a surprising amount on info out there.