Anon,

I'm so sorry you've been put through this. Hearing people you've cared about say things like that is devastating. I don't think words can ever really help in situations like what you're going through. I'm sad for and with you.

Eventually maybe words can help, so I'm writing this. There is no excuse or reason for what they've done to you that could ever justify it. Their choices and actions are cruel and heartless. If they never considered you a part of the family, that shows how dishonest, manipulative and opportunistic they all are. If they did think of you as family before but are saying that now to somehow "support" your ex, that's just vicious and heartless. I would guess it's not everyone in the family, it never usually is, but the outspoken ones set the message and if the quiet ones don't break rank, it doesn't really matter what they believe. 

I've known you a short time, but I've read your posts with interest because you're thoughtful, introspective, kind, and honest. You have wonderful thoughts and share them well. I can see that you're genuine and anyone would be blessed to know and have in their life if they were authentic enough to appreciate you. 

Anon2222 wrote:

So....I'm pretty sure I had some sort of existential crisis over the past few days.

It started Sunday. It was my ex-SILs birthday. I know they had a big get together to celebrate at a fancy restaurant. Of course, I was not invited.

I was a "part" of the family for 18 years. I was there from the birth of my nieces of nephews until this point (oldest is 16). I went to hockey games and recitals. Bought all the gifts for Christmas and birthdays. I had held out some hope that I would at least be able to peripherally be involved a bit in their lives as I was "aunty anon" for 16 years. I don't have kids (my gay husband very cruelly made sure of that). My family is small and currently my only sibling is basically being an a**hole to me.

So, his giant boisterous family....I spent a lot of time with them over the years. Here, I thought I was actually a part of the family.

I reached out to say happy birthday and ask how the kids were (as I have finally been feeling a little bit stronger in this whole thing and realized how much I missed hearing about them).

Long story short, I was told that I wasn't family and no one ever considered me a part of the family. They also told me to get my named changed already as I was never a true "anon" anyway. I then got blocked on everything, told to never speak to them again, and also told I will never see any of the nieces or nephews again (including pictures). 

I have been summarily erased.

I went from big family gatherings to nothing. Weekend hockey tournaments to sitting at home alone. I am nothing.

I feel like I basically had some weird break with reality. Like, my mind split. 

If I wasn't family for 18 years...if my husband was actually gay and never loved me for 18 years...what was I those 18 years? It's like....I played make believe for my entire adult life. I had an entire life that...just never existed?

I just started crying and couldn't stop. I cried for 3 days. I couldn't sleep. I had to take breaks to cry in the bathroom at work. I cried driving too and from work. I just....cried and cried and cried.

I am so alone. I am trying so hard to embrace being an individual. Take on the world. All that BS....but...I'm so lonely my soul aches. I just basically lost 98% of the human relationships I had. And not only did I lose them....they were downright cruel about it.

It was like I was lying on the floor and they all just kept kicking me. Again and again.

To boot...my SIL is going through her own divorce right now, and her spouse has been included in everything. Invited to all family events and fully supported. I never even got asked at any point how was I doing, or was I ok.

Just a stupid, naïve trusting idiot who feels like a discarded piece of trash. My god people can be so cruel.

Sometimes I wonder if I was just a horrible person at some point somewhere and this is what I deserve. I've just never encountered such blatant hostility and cruelty....and I didn't even do anything. Like...he manipulated and dumped me.

All I have left is my elderly parents. They have been amazing, but they live a distance away. Its as simple as I haven't even had a platonic hug or human contact for over 6 months. I never realized what it's like to just be literally alone. Day in and day out. And now that it appears everyone is basically erasing my existence....I am left to wonder....what am I?

I know this was not helpful for me in the beginning, but it will be more over time. Time and distance help. While their actions are cruel, heartless and mean (hateful really), what I've learned is a hard disconnect from unhealthy people is actually best. My attachment to my ex was strong, I was/am loyal and would still be with her had she not been so cruel, habitually lie and risk my and my kids health. Despite all of that, it still took awhile for me to block her on every social media, remove her from all accounts and unless its about the kids, ignore her very existence. Its the only way to protect my sanity. 

While you may not have chosen this, it is my hope that over time, you will see the good that comes from being apart from people who it would seem, where never truly in your corner. Cherish the times you had together, afterall, you were not lying/acting. If it was fake for them, thats on them, not you for being a genuine human being. All the best, I am so sorry, I know this pain and hurt all too well. Hang in there. 

OMG anon...  now you know where your spouse comes from.      Is this the sister in law that said these words?      Heartless and cruel... like what did you do to your husband...they know  deep in their  bones he hurt you even if he lied to them..  
Its awkward at best around inlaws but you may want to contact them and tell them you did nothing so horrible ...  either way you now know how at least how some of them feel..   You can either choose contact and hurt with them,  choose to send them christmas card every year,  or rebuild your life without such hurtful people... do you really want to be around such hurtful people?
 

Anon2222 wrote:

...it's been a life saver to have people who get it.

💜