When I met her she was so smitten with me and through 8 years of a relationship we've always been so sweet on one another.  She told me that she had experimented with a woman in college and before meeting me tried dating women but they never panned out, no real connection.  We moved across the country together during the pandemic and we've enjoyed our life out west adventuring through forest, canyons and mountains.  She's been sober for 17 years and AA plays a big role in her life.  Her AA group out here was small and the people she connected with was a mostly a LGBT group.  She turned 40 this year and after an argument she had began questioning her sexuality.  She always was a perfectionist and when I told her I wish she tried harder to be more athletic I'm afraid I triggered her repressed feelings.  

She secretly came out to a friend in the LGBT group and we had couple therapy for the last 2 1/2 months.  Therapy I thought was helpful, we were working on our communication our long terms plans, but she never brought up that she was LGBT and I was still in the dark.

She developed feelings for the friend she confided in and as soon as I showed uncertainty in the relationship over a weekend her perfectionism came out again and since our relationship was having a set back she told her friend that she had feelings for her and they were reciprocated.  I had seen enough evidence that I confronted her with my suspicions in therapy she came out to me in the therapists office. The therapist encouraged a break before making any decisions which we agreed.

The course of conversations over the next days were full of lies, half truths, and denialism.  She could not see how having feelings for another women reciprocated for the first time in her life was a big milestone.  She said our relationship wasn't working and being LGBT didn't have anything to do with it and she felt I was attacking her.

I tried a different approach in order to get her to open up about her sexuality, I needed to be vulnerable about mine. But before I could even say what I wanted to say she called me gay and she knew I was gay for a long time, but that wasn't true.  I had wanted to try pegging but was afraid to tell her cause I thought she would call me gay.  She began to act very into it, while at the same time telling me it was over.  It broke me physiologically and I began to believe I was bisexual and had horrible urges with every man/woman I knew and met plus suicidal thoughts.  I never acted on them cause they felt scary, my dad being a therapist helped calm me down and get meds.  I'm better and have no urges or feelings towards men but I intend to explore this instance with my therapist to understand the roots of it better. 

I took the day to go skiing and escape for a bit and I just happened to sit down the very same table as the woman my girlfriend had told a week earlier had feelings for.  I confronted her and she admitted to everything but insisted that she did not interfere with my relationship, which I believe she did not act intentionally.  She also was super open to me about her feelings for my partner, that she doesn't know if she will be with her cause she didn't want to get hurt because she might just be experimenting and that she suspects she maybe already in a relationship with another woman.  I asked her what did she like about my partner and it was all physical, nothing emotional.  She even gave me her number in case I wanted to call her with more questions.

Last night I told my partner about my psychotic break and her initial reaction was very judgmental, like it was no big deal and that she believes strongly that our relationship wasn't working with or without her coming out as LGBT. I woke up the next morning tired of all the lies and callousness.  She was supposed to come and we were going to move her stuff out of the apartment together.  But when she showed up I played nice and then pivoted telling her I can't heal with her around and that the woman she had feelings for was shallow and full of doubt.  I had already put all of her stuff out of the apartment so I told her to take her cat, give me the apartment key, and leave.  She didn't want to give me the key, like it was the last vestiture of her old life.  She said she wouldn't ever come in the apartment without me knowing and that she was on the lease still.  I told her I didn't feel safe with her having the key and she handed it over.

I'm thinking about moving forward now, but know I need to sit with this pain before trying to get back out there.  Just looking for whatever support I can get.  I have a great dad and friends I can talk to on the phone.  I have big plans for this year and I'm looking forward to it.  
 

Last edited by CareyHarper (January 28, 2023 7:13 pm)