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1 of 1- MyExodus
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Onward and Upward...
Read here almost everyday; but, as I'm moving on, don't have much time to post anymore...that's a good thing for me.
Saw an article today as I went down a rabbit hole (caution: they can be deep-don't fall in) after church sermon on LGBTQ issues. Neeed to share. Hoping it will be healing for some of you beautiful, loyal, loving souls.
If the link does not copy here, it is entitled, "A Female Spouse: the Process of Seperation When a Spouse 'Comes Out' Gay" and can be found by googling the PLOS One website and title. It's a long journal article; but painted a very clear picture for my journey and gave me great hope. Quoted our own Amity Buxton as well.
Based on Method 3.1 of the article, I believe I am about ankle deep in the Rubican right now. Much of divorce paperwork almost done, I have all my things (important ones, anyway), living in my own home on my own half the time, new jobs, new church, etc...
As the pandemic-lockdown was beginning, the last of my immediate family had just lost his battle with alcohol and cirrhosis. I was high-risk, without a job, no more family and caught my husband crossing boundaries that he had been told a long time ago would end the marriage. This led to further further discoveries. I had seen my brothers' turning jaundice as a loss of accountability for my STBX. I was helpless and alone and weak to him now.
In spring of 2020 as I unpacked my brothers home, and, consequently, the last of the effects of my previously deceased family members as well, I gradually began to see the empty shelves of his home as possibly my future shelves and slowly began bringing personal things over. When my husband and children were in virtual work and school, I was at my brothers home, first verifying if I was seeing things in my marriage correctly and eventually rebuilding my new life. Yesterday as I was putting towels away I found a "living room" label for one of those shelves that held all my future living room things. Nothing but towels there now; living room items in my living room. I am so blessed.
I say all of this to say to you just at the very beginning stages of questioning and verifying and wondering if he/she/they did what you suspect, why, how could he/she/they do this to me and how do I move on. Think the only way to cross the Rubicon is to take all those tiny steps to get to it. Every single day I promised myself to do at least one more thing to build my new life. Every day I tried to stop looking back and to move forward. Hardest thing I've ever done. I still have hard days; but every day I promise myself to do something to move forward. I say this with love. You have to do the same!!! Every day!
No more labels on my shelves. I'm living MY life now!
Onward and upward!
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Onward and Upward...
Exodus that was such a strong and heartening read. Not the article (I hope to get to that soon) but your words in your post.
I'm so scared of changing an empty life for an even emptier one.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- gwendolyn_C
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Re: Onward and Upward...
Exodus - thank you for posting! It's what I needed as I try to move forward. It's so freaking hard not to question every step. It's been a whirlwind for the last 48 hours talking to GID husband as he tries to justify his actions. I have caught him in a couple of lies, and it's still so hurtful. I know I need to stop looking back and move forward. So today, I am looking forward to speaking with my Attorney. We are finally ready to send him the Marital Settlement Agreement. I will take one step at a time.
- Rob
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Re: Onward and Upward...
Gwen,
Sounds like youre doing everything right. Your post is well written.
I post here trying to give back and help.
My life is rebuilt albeit without the new place with the old place ok but sometimes triggering the past. I hope to change in the future. I had an advantage of sorts in that my GX was so horrible any fear I had of my future was overshadowed by my fear of her.
Best of luck to you..head held high, face in the wind.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- gwendolyn_C
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Re: Onward and Upward...
Rob - thank you. My fear is staying in this situation too long because time keeps ticking! I have to accept closure will not come from my GID husband, but I can have it. The closure is accepting that he can’t give me closure. I must accept the things I can’t change, and have the courage to change the things that I can ( the Good Ole Serenity Prayer 🤲)! It was an Epiphany that smacked me right in the face tonight! Every journey begins with a small step! Otherwise, fear will paralyze and cause greater damage.