Hello HereIn - 

First, I am GLAD you did not succeed in your attempt to take your own life. You are worth keeping in this world. I dont need to know you in order to say that. If you aren't already, please get professional assistance, I know I needed it IMMEDIATELY. I was in therapy the same day she (partially) told me about what she had been doing behind my back. I called EAP. I was a total wreck and the following 2 months, I lost 38 lbs, cried enough to fill a river, and felt I had lost the only aspect of my life I truly cared about. Worst part? She did not give one shit. She was/is only focused on herself. I digress.

To answer your questions: my self image and confidence are high. Here is why; that same day, August 7th of 2022, I was crushed. In addition to getting therapy, I made a decision to do "healthy" coping. I began waking up at 430AM to work out and did not miss a day until last week. I'm be cocky here, I look like a greek god in the mirror now as a result. Once I could eat again, I eat healthy food. I work extensively on myself in therapy, discovering who I am, my own inner child traumas, what I can do better. I am scared of dating, but only because I do not want to experience this again. I have been seeing a nice woman for a bit now and taking things very slow. VERY. I am also very transparent. I am like you in the sense I dont get much pleasure out of sleeping around. I need a connection (emotionally). 

You are NOT the odd one out. Most people here (I've read) feel exactly the same way. Do not put yourself on a timeline, everyone has a different journey. I am coming up on a year of knowing my 23 year relationship was a fraud. That hurt. But I am excited for the future. Many days I take steps back, but always end the day with forward momentum and gratitude. I did not deserve this and neither do you. It is absolute pain and the fact she is angry with you should be an indication of who she may be...thats projection from her onto you. 

Hang in there, it does get better. You CAN do this, even when I did not believe I could, I just kept moving forward. Eventually some light peeks in. Hang in there man. 

First of all, telling your story is not venting.  You have every right to tell your story and that is how it reads - a story that is so familiar to us all here.

My moment came standing at the top of a long flight of stairs.  It was serious, not an idle thought, a sudden but solid and accepted notion of going headfirst but then I thought of my mother and realised I couldn't do it to her.  

I have to say this HereinM, this is a forum full of people who are reading your story and going yes, yes I hope he starts to realise the woman he is married to is not the person he believes her to be now.

One horrific fact you are likely to discover is that the lack of self esteem is, well yes it is axiomatic that it takes a beating when you are having sex with a person who does not desire you, but also it is being affected by her general treatment of you.  ie, getting away from your wife, every inch you achieve in whatever way you protect yourself emotionally from her, every step away from her you take will improve how you feel.

But as Anon said so beautifully in another post I was going to reply to but lost sight of, marriage to a gay man leaves you feeling like crap.  (sorry, can't find the right words)  There's no getting away from that.  

On the plus side, for me it is great to hear men talking about wanting a connection with a woman before wanting to have sex with her - that's great.  Having men hit on you for sex like you're a pay per view machine is not pleasant.  Having someone interested in you romantically is great. 

Feeling broken is not going to stop you from forward motion.  I like what Blackie is saying - I have seen too many men fall straight into the arms of another gay in denial woman.  Taking time is good.  

So don't lead with that? hahaha 

Awe, thanks for the credit lily!

I have realized that I have probably gone through this entire thing in the most unpolitically correct way possible lol.

I have had many obscure thoughts about ending my life over the past several months. I am happy to say that I didn't make an attempt to do so, but it came scarily close at times.

I was left as a shell of who I was. I still have a hard time comprehending that my marriage was a sham. 18 years. I loved him with everything I had. And he walked away so easily. It's a fucking slap in the face to find out that you have been sleeping with a gay guy. I spent a lot of time trying to decide if I looked like a man or acted like a man or was I somehow doing something masculine I didn't know about...like, what exactly about me screamed you like guys, pick me!

I have felt like a discarded piece of trash. I have felt ugly. Fat. Unloved. Bottomed out self esteem. Cried a lot. Hated my life. And spent way more than one evening curled in the fetal position on the floor crying cuz I was just too overwhelmed to get up. It's pure, unaltered hell.

I also joined a dating site. For the same reason. I just wanted to talk to someone who actually thought I was attractive. My gay husband also told me I was an attractive woman....and no, it did not make me feel any better. At all. The thought of dating scares the shit out of me. I have dated, married, and had sex with one whole person in my life. And he ended up being gay. So.....the track record there....

The thought of trying to start over just exhausts me, terrifies me, and I honestly don't know how I feel about it most of the time. Because I had no desire to start over.

I started talking to a guy from the dating site. Within the first 48 hours I asked him if he had ever had any sexual thoughts, encounters, watched porn or done anything with a man, was he gay, bi, gender fluid, ever wanted to be a woman and on and on. I think he was a little taken aback at first. But, then he told me he appreciated my honesty and stated that he was 100% straight. I did explain why I was asking....and I told him flat out, that I had no desire to continue talking if he was any of the above.

I dunno. Maybe there's a better way or more socially acceptable way to do things....but I legit just put it out there. And flat out asked it in the second conversation. Not gonna lie, I'm pissed about the amount of my life that I wasted with the manipulative liar that finally pranced out of his closet. I'm not wasting anymore time if I can help it. You do you.....but, you won't be doing it with me!

So, I would say you're in good company here. I think we're all pretty messed up by this who thing....because it just really is one fucked up situation. No one told me about this being a possibility when I grew up!

One step at a time, and keep sharing, vent, rant, scream, cry, whatever you need to do. Because it's one hell of a wild ride.

Hi all - I'm new here...just stumbled across this forum but I am so glad that I did. SO much of what you are all saying is my life right now! My husband of 25 years moved out 3 1/2 months ago - after a grueling year of telling me he was bisexual, he was "more gay than straight" , he did not know "what he was".....well it took him 2 months and he is on his second male sex partner that I know of - apparently it was not so confusing after all. He now says he has "chosen gay" and I am left working out the divorce, selling the house, etc. Anyway I have been a mess and so appreciate seeing familiar pattens here - I am not the only one experiencing crying, lack of self esteem, isolation, disbelief, self hatred, rage, insecurity, fear, sexual violation - thank you for your honesty it really helps. I am in therapy, do have good friends, two college kids are doing ok, but it is such a strange mind game I don't think anyone who has not experienced it can really know how to be supportive. All of the "I see great things for you!" and "you got this!" are so well meant but for the moment - I don't got this. And not sure how I ever will. I live too far from our nearest straight spouse support group for it to be reasonable, but nice to hear some voices here experiencing the same things. Thank you!