OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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- Anon2222
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Re: Wife is questioning her sexuality and dating another woman
Deep Water - oh how I agree with you.
My gay husband strung me along for almost 2 years. By the end of it all, I was just a shell of a person. And in that time, he decided what he wanted, and was actually happy and excited to leave and start his amazing new life.
Best part, is when he first came out as bi....he begged me to stay. I was his soul mate. It meant nothing. He loved me. Lies. All of it lies. If I had left when I found out about the first round of lying I would have been in great shape financially and I definitely would have struggled a lot less emotionally/psychologically.
Instead, I got manipulated, used, abused, and discarded like a piece of trash. The scars are deep.
- SameDeepWaterAsPhil
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Re: Wife is questioning her sexuality and dating another woman
Anon2222 wrote:
Best part, is when he first came out as bi....he begged me to stay. I was his soul mate. It meant nothing. He loved me. Lies. All of it lies. If I had left when I found out about the first round of lying I would have been in great shape financially and I definitely would have struggled a lot less emotionally/psychologically.
Instead, I got manipulated, used, abused, and discarded like a piece of trash. The scars are deep.
Anon,
I'm so very sorry that you & I have had such a awfully similar experience! All of the above, my LW said to me initially as well. I believed it, & I am now paying the price. It's such a twisted situation. All I ever did was love her to the best of my ability, & now I'm tossed aside after 30 years.
- lily
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Re: Wife is questioning her sexuality and dating another woman
The thing I want to say, not sure if I can put it into words but I'm giving it a shot.
Short version - sooner the better for sure but still, most definitely, better late than never.
It's like there's a bank of emotion. You have been depositing over the years and are looking forward to retirement where you get to share the love you have been making and the compounding interest it has accrued. Except when you go to the bank you discover it's only you who has been depositing, your GID partner has been spending your love as fast as you make it and hasn't put in a dime of their own. What you have is a compounding hole of debt, a sense of emptiness, a big deep dark hole of emotional pain.
The thing is this is happening whether you know it or not. Whether you believe in your partner and think you have a good marriage or not. The emptiness has been building all along. Now you know.
And once you are away from them, the reverse is true - every tear you shed is cleansing, filling that emotional emptiness. Bringing yourself back to true.
- Rob
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Re: Wife is questioning her sexuality and dating another woman
Lily,
Not a bad analogy. I agree.
My take is if I forget about the gay...someone that cheat and throw away decades of friendship and marriage.. she was not the person I thought she was...on a moral and human level. I was investigating f and all she was doing was growing resentment..
It's a scary thing and I thank God everyday for getting me away from such a morally broken person.
Last edited by Rob (January 11, 2023 9:27 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- lily
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Re: Wife is questioning her sexuality and dating another woman
Thanks, Rob. Yes the resentment they are growing, that's the other side of the coin, it is toxic to live with but not yours to own. Their problem.
I thought when I left that it would take the pressure off my ex, he would be less toxic because he was no longer doing the wrong thing by me and could just be himself but really he just continues being as horrible as ever. I always was completely incidental in his life, as he now is in mine.
And I think maybe that is a big part of why it was so hard for me to see him for what he was - it is a deep-seated fear we have to face in recognising just how bad the truth of him was underneath all the niceness. As well as the 'niceness' itself of course - it acted like an analgesic in that it distracted me from the growing discomfort of the love deficit.
Last edited by lily (January 11, 2023 5:25 pm)
- Blue Bear
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Re: Wife is questioning her sexuality and dating another woman
I'm going to add one other observation. The title of your post is "wife is questioning her sexuality and dating another woman." I also "questioned" my wife's sexuality when I was in a similar situation as you.
However, I don't think people "question" their sexuality -- they "act" upon their sexuality. I have never once been in a situation where I felt like I needed to confirm my straight sexuality by making out with a dude. (My guess is you feel the same way.). Your wife's actions are consistent with whatever flavor of non-straight sexuality she happens to be.
- Blackie563
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Re: Wife is questioning her sexuality and dating another woman
Spot on all. I have seen many people throw around the word narcissist. What I gather from you all and my situation, many of the people we are dealing with, if they ever got truly evaluated would clinically be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. I know my near ex wife qualifies. She used to tell me about it all the time (she is a psychologist) and all along was describing the fear and hatred she had for herself. She likes men, women, lies habitually, tries to put the mask back on sometimes, but knows I know what she is....a sick, sad and genuinely not a good person. She is broken and always has been. The 23 year relationship I had was actually with someone who never was real. This is who these people are.
This is not a phase. Very few get real help and acknowledge the trauma that creates their personality disorder, so they spiral bringing down any they can, so long as they get their validation, even if temporary.
It hurts, but does get better. Better out late than never!
- lily
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Re: Wife is questioning her sexuality and dating another woman
well said, Blackie. It's shocking isn't it - I remember thinking all these years I have been interacting with a sock puppet.
I do not believe in a bisexuality that means orientation goes both ways - it just doesn't make sense. I have read that there are people (very rare) born with one teste and one ovary and I have met people who are chromosomal female but have physically a bit of maleness, but that doesn't mean their orientation is divided. As far as I have seen so far they are same sex oriented - no matter how much they might like dabbling with men it is women who engage their romantic feelings.
Orientation seems to me to be the fundamental aspect of sexuality. It's stable, we know we aren't going to wake up one morning and find we are oriented the other way.
And yet bisexuals want us to believe they swing both ways. One minute they like girls and the next they like boys? they like both at the same time??? oh it's just a matter of who I love they reply but as far as I've seen it always turns out they have same sex orientation underneath it all.
sexual attraction is magnetic. That has been said down the ages. One side attracts you like glue, the other repulses you.
Plenty of lesbians who like being married to men - it doesn't mean they are feeling a magnetic attraction, more it shows how little they care about what they're doing to him. Some guilt. I have noticed two women expressing a bit of guilt at what they are doing to their husbands but mainly not. It's just the charm and narcissistic determination.
They like having a husband but he's not the focus of their attention, their girlfriends are. And they need that, but however much they get, they are still growing resentment towards their husband of course.
It really bugs me. My ex was dripping with resentment towards me by the time we got to our 50's, yet he was the one who did it - he was the one who proposed marriage to the wrong sex, and he was the one all along insisting on keeping hold of me.
Last edited by lily (January 13, 2023 7:14 pm)
- Rob
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Re: Wife is questioning her sexuality and dating another woman
Lily,
Yeah , unbeknownst to me, growing resentment. Toward the end complete hatred.
In regards to swinging both ways
I find it a scary thing..that their love also can change with the wind and tides. Their words, actions etc have no integrity or meaning.
I urge anyone going through this that is feeling bad about themselves to remember we have and give fierce love and loyalty. Our actions follow our words.
And that is difference between us and them.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- RichJen
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Re: Wife is questioning her sexuality and dating another woman
Exact same situation. She had feelings she wanted to explore. WE were still married and living together while they 'dated'. After 4 years, my wife broke up with BOTH of us.
I probably should've drawn lines and boundaries earlier, but in the end, I feel good knowing I did everything possible to.make it work