Surprise - I am sorry you have to go through this. I am on the tail end of divorce (thankfully) after 23 years together with an unfaithful, lying, narcissistic woman. While I was unaware of all of this until she told me "some" on August 7th, the day my world changed, I knew for some time things were off...maybe a few months. The reality is, upon reflection, I also accepted unequal treatment, emotional abuse and NO emotional intimacy. Said differently, the person I have been with for half my life, never actually existed. She was mirroring me, and giving back what she thought I wanted. Up until recently, that mask worked, but the wheels came off and she is completely unrecognizable from the woman I thought I knew.

I tell you all of this to say, do not judge yourself for what you did not know in the past. Judge yourself by the actions you take going forward, now that you know. It has been a long road, crippling at times, but I made a series of choices on August 8th. I wasnt going to make bad decisions, I work out daily (and am down over 40 lbs) and look like a non-asian Bruce Lee. lol. I meditate, I am more focused than I've ever been on my kids. None of this changes the situation, but it controls the only aspects that I can control, myself and my actions. You have that same opportunity. It won't be easy. You will cry alot, I know I did. Sometimes out of no where, and uncontrollably. I told close friends, have been in therapy most of my life, its still incredibly difficult. But here is what I know, YOU CAN DO IT. I dont know you, but I know you can. Keep moving forward, even if its only an centimeter forward, you keep going. Hang in there, ok? Reach out anytime

Thank you for your kindness and support. I’m grateful.

gwendolyn_C wrote:

Surprise - I am so sorry but don't beat yourself up. Our job was to love unconditionally and somehow we neglected what we genuinely want and need from a Spouse.  I also feel my Daddy's issues didn't help me to see and act on the signs. But we can’t go back in time—live for your present. Take one step at a time. Your health is in your control. Once you are in a better mental and physical place, then focus on externals. Focus on how your husband’s actions are impacting your internal peace.

Today I’m feeling optimistic. I choose not to let this define the rest of my life. I’m willing to uncover my responsibility as to why I was willing to accept so little for myself. I’m also determined to get the weight off and exercise and put myself forward to the head of the line! I think I like me. I will spend the next 6 months to a year working on me- my mental health, my figure, my career. I may decide to start dating again. This time, I’m going to flirt and banter and crack up with laughter. I want humor and silliness and physical attention back into my life. So here I am, albeit anonymously, but here I stand before God and the world, calling friendship, love and laughter to me. Come live with me and be my love and we shall all the pleasures prove… But I digress ;) Look I made a little joke!!!! Feeling better today! It might not be linear but I’ll take it for now. To my unknown friends reading this: May light hearted laughter, banter and affection folllow you alll the days of your life.

surprise889 wrote:

I found out my husband is gay. Gut wrenching pain and shame for myself. The inner critic inside me says "you knew, or should have known. There were signs. There was no initiation ever in almost 20 years." And so it goes. The cerebral part of me knows that this isn't my fault and has nothing to do with me but everything to do with him and his issues. Still if I hadn't grown up in a crazy family, no doubt I wouldn't have been raised to put myself and my needs last. Why oh why did I think I was worth so little to tolerate this for so many years.                                                               
Here I am many years later, having comforted myself with food when it was the only thing to nurture me. Now I'm overweight and realizing I'm so stuck. So I have to put down the food and find another way to get through this. 
Maybe there is something good even in the midst of this pain. Maybe God wanted something more than a hollow false relationship for me. Could there be love for me again?
By the way, he's been lviing a double life for years and promising his forever love to me and our marriage, while he betrays me with other men. Ouch. I had opportunity to cheat and betray him, but I loved him and gave him my loyalty even without sex or intimacy. I accepted that we loved each other but that flirting, banter, physical touch and intimacy, sex and more was not going to be our due. Why did I settle for this? Why did I think so little of my own self to allow this to go on? 
What can I do differently in my next relationship, so that my needs are not automatically sublimated and I don't forget about myself again? Also how do I jive the knowledge that I'm not ready for a relationship, need to lose weight and take care of myself first with the yearning to go and take another chance at finding true love. Phew... I deserve it, as do we all. 
There is so much pain in all of this, and maybe a little relief too. Just maybe I have another chance to be alive again. 
Surprise889
 

I like the enthusiasm! As Blackie said, there will be ups and downs, but if you're overall still climbing the mountain at the end, you're doing good.

I still really struggle (and I've had some abysmal days....) but I signed up with a personal trainer (I too took comfort in food). I have a meal delivery service where a Dietitian planned out all my meals (and I don't have to cook anything woo!). And I went and got my lashes done (something I have never done before....and I just wanted to do something "girly"). I actually really like the look and plan to keep it up.

I spent years putting myself last. And accepting everyone else's sloppy seconds and being a people pleaser.

It feels good to finally take a step back and look at what I want. And make the time to do what I want (so what if work wants an extra shift....I am not moving my workouts!).  It makes a HUGE difference to finally put yourself first for a change.

And I just feel better about myself overall. I have perused a dating site, but nothing serious. And, at this point I want to continue to take time for myself, rather than get wrapped up in someone else.

The more you try new things, the more you get an emotional and psychological boost I've noticed. Keep on sharing your journey (the good, the bad and the ugly) as the people here get it.