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January 5, 2023 2:54 am  #1


Husband GID or OW?

Hi all,

I’ve been sharing my story in Sean’s thread and I have been advised to create my own thread so here goes…

I met my partner and father of my two children when we were 18 and 19. We are now 30 and 31 so we’ve been together a fair amount of years before I ever suspected that he could be gay. When we met literally a few days in he did tell me he thought he was gay when he was a child. His mum told him on the way to school one day that his dad would send him to a prostitute if he didn’t loose his virginity by the time he turned 16. His mother clearly agreed with this or she was so controlled by his father she had to agree. Either way, they were worried he might be gay and so pressured him to like girls. When my partner was 15 his dad introduced him to a girl which would be his first girlfriend and the girl he lost his virginity with. He had two more short relationships with girls before he met me. Again, it was through his dad we met. His dad joined the company I was working for at the time and told me all about his son and how great he was so I added him on Facebook and asked to meet up. I pursued him. We had our first date in the cinema and he took me home afterwards, no kiss goodbye just a hug. I thought he was charming to not go in for a kiss. Now I’m not exactly unattractive and I have lots of male attention when I’m out. We dated for a few months before he basically moved into my dads house with me. I lost my mum to alcoholism when I was 12 so I lived with my dad and younger brother. During our early months together my partner told me how his ex gf was more like a friend to him but he noticed she gave him lots of attention and so he just went with it and got in a relationship with her. It ended because she had to move back to Brazil. He told me how she seemed innocent but she liked anal and was quite dirty in the bedroom. I wondered why he would tell me this. He has always been quite highly sexed always initiated sex with me and says I don’t initiate enough. In the beginning I found nuts mags so I had no reason to believe he was gay. He told me he liked babestation and Rosie jones the page 3 girl. Apparently I look like her he said. Anyway, our relationship was never great. He always loved sex tho and I’ve seen here most GID never initiate sex with their wives so I am unsure. 6 years ago I got pregnant with our son and he was very worried and anxious. His hair starting thinning he has alopecia. More arguments, more making up. 3 years later our daughter was born. He treated me like shit when I was pregnant with our daughter. Once she was born he said he had PND. took one anti depressant and said he felt better. Now looking back I’ve realised he’s been depressed ever since ouR daughter was born. Blames it on not providing enough as a man.

Now to the main point of the story.
Around last October he got incredibly depressed and was always angry and hateful towards me. Sat me down one night and said he had ED and was going to order some Cialis. So he did. Now looking back I realise this is when the sex dried up. He was no longer initiating. But if he was on cialis he would’ve been horny right?  I didn’t think anymore of it. I thought our sex life was ok but that’s all I knew. I don’t have a high sex drive anyway so wasn’t too bothered.

Then in January, he out of the blue accused me of texting other men and cheating on him. Says he found a text on my phone but couldn’t find it when I asked him to show me. He also accused me of being a lesbian. Being more like a man the way I argued with him. Told me I don’t show him enough love of affection. Said he was going to kill himself and it’ll be my fault.

Fast forward to April we argued again over silly stuff, he  went to his mums. Came back a few days later and we had the best sex ever. I felt so in love he made me feel
So wanted for a couple of months and then I noticed him pulling away. On two occasions I saw him look over me to check I was sleeping, before going into th bathroom for a while with his phone. When I questioned him on this he denied it outright and accused me of being paranoid. Said he is constipated and takes awhile. Another occasion i noticed he had used baby oil while in th bathroom. I don’t know if this is relevant but I’m trying to remember details.

Anyway the great sex and loving attention from him soon dried up. A few weeks passed and he said he wanted to give up smoking and to do this he’s going to the sauna to sweat out the toxins. During all of this I had my suspicions he was having an affair whether virtual or not I didn’t know. So I starting digging. I found an Ashley Maddison account but I have no proof it’s him. The profile picture certainly looks like him even with a blurry filter. The profile is a straight man looking for a woman. At this point I had no reason to believe he’s gay but straight and looking for a discreet affair. I didn’t mention it to him. On the morning of sauna day, he got up for work and hour early while I was sleeping (to work out) and then went to work. Left work early to get to the sauna. Came home first packed bag had a shower. He seemed like a bag of nerves before he left. Anyway he went sauna, I made an Ashley Maddison account and message the account I’d found. “I know you’re cheating on me” I wrote.
When he got back from the sauna, he told me he had just been sexually assaulted by a man in the sauna. It happened like this although the story has changed a little over time. Suspicious.
Him and said man had a good “manly” chat. Seemed like a nice guy didn’t seem gay. Man offered him a massage and my partner agreed. Partner says in sauna all men go naked and he didn’t wanna look like a boy by keeping his trunks on. So he lied down on the massage bed naked. The man gave him a great massage but then proceeded to brush his dick a few times before moving near to his anus. My partner said he froze and couldn’t speak. After that he went for a swim. Then when he got home had a bath because he felt sick from th man’s hands being on him but didn’t wanna report him because they can’t do anything about it anyway. Pleaded with me not to tell anybody. Because they might think he’s gay. At this point I didn’t believe him because I thought he’d only made this story up because he knew I’d found his Ashley Maddison account. I thought he’d been with a prostitute and the sauna was a cover story. Before he got in the bath he took his bag upstairs (containing towel, trunks, sliders) was in the bathroom a while with the tap running then came downstairs and he said he wanted to throw away his trunks because he didn’t wanna be reminded of what happened at the sauna. While he was in the bath I check his trunks and they had semen in them. Just abit but it was definitely semen. I haven’t told him this bit.

Next day, I told him about the Ashley madison account. Swore he had no idea what I’m talking about. Left to go to his mums. Stayed there a few days. I thought I must have got it wrong and begged him back. He came home.

Few weeks later, I get up from my Sunday lay in, Walk into the toilet to catch him wanking to something on his phone. I wasn’t smart enough to demand to see what it was. At first he said nothing. Then he said a girl lifting her top. Then he asked “how do you know it weren’t a man?!” To then saying it was a girl on WhatsApp. Says he only does it when he’s feeling down. I was in the next room and he would prefer to wank?

He left me to go to his mums yet again. Came back a week later. Wanted to watch Jeffrey Dahmer. For those who don’t know, he’s a gay psychopath. Partner is never usually into these kind of films. Says it’s bad for his mental health. I’ve since touched on gay subjects and he got very defensive. “You think I’m gay. I’m not gay”

A few more points to mention:
He’s always been a dry kisser
Always initiated sex until the last year
Thought he was gay when he was a child
Always got on better with women
Dad is homophobic
Has narc tendencies
Has preferred anal at times with me but knows I don’t particularly like it
Says he felt weird after I was horny for 3 days and wanted him all the time
Keeps saying peoples environment can make them a certain way
Says he feels like there’s no going back with us
Been shaving pubic area
Wants to get fit
Grew a beard
“Hates” gays
He’s a gay magnet. Gays love him

Also since he came home he’s blamed me for not b img supportive enough and says there’s so much more to this but he doesnt trust me enough to tell me.

I must add aswell that there has been a lot of occasions during sex he would loose his erection then blame it on noise outside or worried the kids will hear. Sometimes I have to finish him with my hand. He also stops half way through sex to close the blinds. This has happened on many occasions aswell. When he started taking Cialis He was coming home from work full of beans like a teenager telling me “I feel like I’m 21 again!”  Then all of a sudden …. Depression again. It just doesn’t make sense. I can’t make out what’s going on. He comments on other men appearance “he must go to the gym” or “he’s a good looking guy”. There was this fit guy, a friend of a friend in our company one weekend. My partner kept making excuses to go off to the shops. It’s like he couldn’t stand to be around the fit guy. Then told me “ see I left u around that good looking guy because I trust you”

Once we were at the seaside and two hot guys pulled up in a car. Called my partner over and I asked him what they said. Apparently they asked him where the nearest nudist beach was? I can’t help thinking on this day I knew something looked different about my man. And now I’ve come to conclusion that he just looked gay. Walking around with his top off which his has never done. But this time he jus looked really gay.

In public he’s never loving. To be honest we probably look like friends when we’re out together. No spontaneous hugs or kisses. It’s always been like this.

When i met him one of his close friends later turned out to be gay. He’s never mentioned this guy since he told me he came out.

My family have said maybe he’s bi ? I have always seen him checking out women to the point it’s pissed me off  but could this be a cover?

He talks about other men and what good family men they are.

He said to me “if I left you, your life wouldn’t be totally fucker would it?”

He spends a lot of time with the guy he works with. Went to work one day after vomiting all night and spent the day in the guys caravan watching lesbian boxing or something of the sorts. Said guy doesn’t have a family of his own. Could possibly be gay. Something about this job is keeping my partner there.

Constantly moaning about how women have it easier than men. Seems to hate women lately.

When he does say he loves me it sounds fake “I love you sooo much” it’s like it’s not really coming from the heart and like he’s reading lines from a script.

Talks about how it’s not looks that matter it’s personality and that men can’t find women easily unless they are “ballin” . But why does he needs to talk about this when he’s with me anyway?

Absolute mindfu*k

After his sauna experience, he didn’t want intercourse with me because he wanted to get tested for aids and stds in case “the man had a cut on his finger and his blood entered my partners anus”
Whilst we waited for the testing kit he would use the dildo on me (it’s the one we call Him, I use it when he’s not available) does this count as cuckolding? Like could it fulfill that fantasy. He knows my morals and knows I would never have sex with another man while he watched. Sorry I’m new to all of this!
When the testing kit arrived he didn’t hurry to do it. When he finally did it the results came back negative for stds and inconclusive for aids because he didn’t provide enough blood. He didn’t bother doing the aids test again to be sure.  Since then we’ve had sex twice, crappy mechanical type sex where he can’t wait to finish. Both times he woke me in the middle of the night for sex. Then apologies the next day for waking me. Why doesn’t he want to initiate sex when I’m awake? He says because he doesn’t wanna get rejected.

When I was pregnant (both times) he didn’t wanna have sex towards the end because “he didn’t wanna hurt the baby”. Is this something common among straight men or just an excuse to not have sex with me?

I have no words to explain what I’m feeling. It’s like I have some signs to believe he’s gay but I feel it’s not enough. It’s almost that I want him to be gay so I have a reason for the messy relationship we’ve had. I’ve felt for a long time that he can’t really love me. Like really love me. All the times he’s left us for days on end, with no contact until I ask him to come back. If he really loved us how could he do that? He says since the sauna experience he’s felt broken because I didn’t support him. But I reminded him he was suicidal before that. Was that my fault too? He says yes because I don’t show him enough love. When I listened to Lilys interview and she mentioned her husbands runny nose, it resonated with me. Do we straight spouses start picking out little things we don’t like because we know deep down something is not right in our relationship. This has happened to me I went through a stage where I felt so mistreated and disrespected that every time I looked at him I felt repulsed. I feel terrible admitting that. I do love him and I wish I could take this all away. I asked him why he gives me these dry kisses and he said he’s forgotten how to kiss the way I like it. Keeps talking about how an experience or Trauma can change someone. But never mentioning the word gay. I’m worried that he’s going to hide his gayness and come out years later with the story of “the sauna experience made me gay” it’s like he’s preparing me for the story. I’m picking up on things I didn’t use to even think twice about. My mind is constantly on high alert around him. I’m looking at him like I don’t even know who he is. He’s promising me the whole dream business together he doesn’t want me to have a job he wants me to run the business. He wants me to rely on him as my man. Says I should put full trust in him. But like I said to him, how can I put trust in someone who’s telling me he doesn’t trust me enough to tell me something big that’s on his mind? How can we be a couple yet he has something he doesn’t wanna tell me, and he even feels comfortable enough to tell me that. Does he think I’m stupid? Am I stupid? Maybe too naive.

Last edited by Pinklady (January 5, 2023 3:10 am)

 

January 5, 2023 3:13 am  #2


Re: Husband GID or OW?

The things that’s getting me the most is the not knowing. I don’t know if he had sex with a man at the sauna. He claims it was just a massage but the man got a little “touchy feely” around my husband private areas and it apparently made him feel sick, he froze and didn’t know what to do. He then said he hates gay because they always seem to come on to him. Do you think this is because they can see he’s a closeted gay? Do gay men come on to straight men?

Last night he all over again told me everything I’ve done wrong in our relationship, to which I asked him “is anything your fault, like ANY of it? He said yes BUT, and then proceeded to tell me basically how it’s my fault. His wrongdoings always are my fault. He only did it because I said or did X,Y,Z.

I mentioned to him that I find it hard to trust him when he’s point blank told me there’s something he’s keeping from me because he doesn’t trust me! He told me that I didn’t need to bring that up and why am I still even thinking about that. We are supposed to be moving forward. HOW? He expects me to trust him KNOWING he’s hiding something. And he’s even got the audacity to look me in the eyes and say “I’m not going to tell you because I don’t trust YOU, but please trust me enough to set up business with me and rely on me financially”
I mean, does he actually think I’m a total pushover!

I forgot to add in my first post, the day I walked in on him masturbating and he said “how do you know i was watching a man?” We had a massive argument and the police were called by a passer by. He was arrested for domestic violence because he’d pushed me, he didn’t lay his hands on me but he used his chest to force me backwards. A few hours later his mother called me and said “my son is suicidal because he had a w*nk, everybody does this why are you bothered”
Now I know most people men and women please themselves and I have no problem with that. But it’s very unusual for him to make the statement “well how do you know it weren’t a man”
I told his mother maybe he’s gay and she said WHAT! No way!

Now I think if he’s gay in denial, wouldn’t his parents have an inkling? It was them who raised him (his mother mainly) after all and as his parents, surely they would have noticed when he was growing up that he may be gay. My cousin is lesbian and she came out at 14 to me but I know her mum always had an idea that she was not straight. I think as parents we just know. So I’m wondering if my husbands mother actually knows and maybe I’m one of the only ones kept in the dark about this.

He also keeps telling me how although his dad was abusive and a lying cheater, he’s grateful he was still around for most of his childhood. This to me seems like his own way of validating his own behaviour and wanting to stay in the relationship for the children’s sake.

Is it possible that he THOUGHT he was straight when he met me? Like did he ever love me? I’m struggling to believe he never loved me because I FELT so loved in the earlier years of our relationship. It’s only this past year or so I’ve noticed him change towards me. But he says he changed towards me because he didn’t feel loved since we’ve had children.

It went like this -
-Thing were pretty good but he’d have the occasional blow up which I put down to his angry abusive father. Monkey see, monkey do.
-I got fed up of his angry outbursts and kind of disconnected emotionally. He would initiate sex but my mind wasn’t in it. Because I didn’t feel safe anymore.
-he started telling me he didn’t feel loved since we’ve had children. That he now has ED because we don’t have enough sex, or the sex is boring. Said he was depressed and suicidal and that he hated himself. 
-started taking Cialis for ED then I noticed he was no longer initiating. Said he Felt 21 again, was acting like a love struck teenager.
-he fell out with his dad, who is a definite narcissist. This really affected my husband I believe.
- we had a fight and broke up yet again, this time I was not having his BS. I think he knew I’d had enough but somehow he managed to talk me down and came back home.
-we had a short period of loads of sex and affection. Was all over each other.
-I noticed him pulling away and I got suspicious of him cheating. He claimed depression again.
-I confronted him, he told me I was crazy.
- he told me “I don’t know if I’m attracted to you anymore”
-I pulled back abit because I FELT unattractive because that’s what he told me. I cried and he couldn’t offer a hug or sympathy, just told me to pull myself together and get over it. NO empathy whatsoever. I remember feeling so broken because my man wasn’t attracted to me and could not even console me when I was hurt by his comment.
-one night we were at a family BBQ and the men were talking about foot long sausages in a rude way. My husband got very awkward and red raced. That night when we got home he threw a massive tantrum, sat on the floor crying with his head in his hand saying he hated himself. I was panicked and asking hun WHY? He told me to just F Off and leave him alone. So I did. I went to bed and the next day it was like nothing had happened. I can’t get over that night. He looked so broken. I never seen him like that before.
-sauna day came - he was “sexually assaulted”
-we broke up. Then got back together.
- saw him masturbating and he said “how do you know it weren’t a man”
-we fought and he was arrested.
- we broke up, got back together a week later.

Now he just keeps saying his head is in a spin, he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. He’s worried he could have cancer or kidney problems. He’s constipated. May have IBS. just a string of problems but nothing ever about his sexuality. I am SO confused it’s taking up all my brain space.

     Thread Starter
 

January 5, 2023 3:19 am  #3


Re: Husband GID or OW?

I have a little update on my situation. I thought things had got better and I’d convinced myself I was just thinking this all up in my head. I can’t even trust my own judgement anymore.

My husband finished work for the Christmas holidays on 21st December and we have had the loveliest break as a family. Although it didn’t start that way. The day after he finished work, we got into an argument because our son had chicken pox and we couldn’t agree on the best cream to apply. Anyway the argument and his words used against me led me to tell him I’m sick of the outbursts and we need to really be adults about this for the sake of our children. I was tired of feeling not good enough with his masturbation on the toilet to women on WhatsApp (so he claims)I basically told him to leave and we can be civil. I’m not sticking around if I don’t have the TRUTH.

He laid on the bed crying and explained that the reason he’s been so up and down is because that day at the sauna, when the man massaged him and got “too close” to his private parts, he ejaculated. This would explain the semen I found in his swimming trunks.

I asked him if he’s been questioning his sexuality and his reply was “no. I am as straight as they come.”
He said that he didn’t get an erection but it’s like his body sent a message to just finish it now because he felt so sick from the man’s hands all over him. So he ejaculated. Seeing him so upset over it made me just want to help him, comfort him. So I told him it’s ok and it’s totally normal for him to ejaculate when he’s being touched close to his privates. 

My question for you is, IS this normal?

During our Christmas break, we’ve been all over each other, me more than him. We’ve had sex every day which I’ve enjoyed more than ever because I’ve felt so emotionally connected to him. I BELIEVED him. When I believe him I feel close to him again.

How can he seem to enjoy sex with me, but also manage to ejaculate when a man touches CLOSE TO his private parts. He has never ejaculated like that when I’ve touched NEAR his penis or anus.

2 days ago I checked his stash of Cialis. 2 pills missing. This means he has taken them while he’s been off work WITHOUT being open about it. He hasn’t been anywhere, mostly at home with me and the children. So the only reason he could be taking them is so he’s able to perform for me. He clearly has no problem keeping an erection for masturbation because the day I caught him he had a RAGING boner.

Anyway, this morning he’s gone back to work. AN HOUR EARLY. I called him and asked why he’s gone to work so early today. He was parked up on an industrial road next to his work APPARENTLY. I told him that seems off, why would you stop there? He flew off the handle! Said he stopped to have a cigarette. But wouldn’t you just drive the extra 2 mins and smoke your cigarette then?

Something else worth mentioning I think - we had a male budgie. He said it would be a good idea to get a female budgie to keep him company and because it’s “nature” (male and female) he also said something one night about our 3 year old daughter even knowing that it’s natural for a male and female to attract. Seems a little like he’s really TRYING to prove he’s straight do you think?

I am so confused and driving myself mad wondering.

Any help or advice welcome, or even a head shake - I definitely need one of them!

     Thread Starter
 

January 5, 2023 2:03 pm  #4


Re: Husband GID or OW?

Hi Pinklady,

Bonny Kaye, the woman who started the straight spouse network said that of the thousands of women who had contacted her asking if she thought their husband was gay not one of them was wrong.  

You are not going to get the truth from him.  He is stringing you along - to get off the line you need to make your own mind up without referring to him.  Simple as that.  Once I accepted that he was gay in denial I made the conscious choice not to roll around in it any more - he's gay, he's going to keep denying it, I don't need to keep questioning myself at all any more.  

It doesn't matter how feisty you are, sleeping with a gay man doesn't do good things for your self esteem.  

Rather than being with someone who is turned on by the sight of you you are with someone who is turned off by the sight of you - it doesn't matter how beautiful or sexy you are, you don't turn him on.  

 

Last edited by lily (January 5, 2023 3:53 pm)

 

January 5, 2023 3:07 pm  #5


Re: Husband GID or OW?

Pinklady -  I tried to make my GID husband admit that he's attracted to men. He refuses to see his behaviors are not the norm for straight men. However, I had to let it go and focus on my needs. It has to be exhausting playing detective and analyzing all of his movements. I've been there so I know it is (tracking devices and all).  Perhaps try to forget about his sexuality and focus on the principles of marriage. Maybe it will help to see a different perspective and approach. 

 

 

January 5, 2023 5:40 pm  #6


Re: Husband GID or OW?

Pinklady wrote:

... I am so confused and driving myself mad wondering....

Your husband won't be confused, or driving himself mad.
It may take you awhile to see the unfairness of it all. The one-sidedness of your situation.
Until then keep reading and posting your thoughts and questions. The Forum is a wealth of knowledge and advice 

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 6, 2023 3:01 am  #7


Re: Husband GID or OW?

lily wrote:

Hi Pinklady,

Bonny Kaye, the woman who started the straight spouse network said that of the thousands of women who had contacted her asking if she thought their husband was gay not one of them was wrong.  

You are not going to get the truth from him.  He is stringing you along - to get off the line you need to make your own mind up without referring to him.  Simple as that.  Once I accepted that he was gay in denial I made the conscious choice not to roll around in it any more - he's gay, he's going to keep denying it, I don't need to keep questioning myself at all any more.  

It doesn't matter how feisty you are, sleeping with a gay man doesn't do good things for your self esteem.  

Rather than being with someone who is turned on by the sight of you you are with someone who is turned off by the sight of you - it doesn't matter how beautiful or sexy you are, you don't turn him on.  

 

Thank you Lily. Going through Sean’s thread your posts stand out to me, you remind me of a wise auntie. I’m sorry you went through all of that.

I have looked into Bonnie Kaye but not too much to understand her point on things. I am going to read up some more. It feels so alien to even consider the fact my husband might be gay.

I don’t have a lot of self confidence but I do know that I’m not unattractive. I get lots of attention from other males but I’ve always felt something missing when it comes to my husbands attraction to me. Its like he looks through me. Doesn’t notice when I wear something a little sexy. I’ve never really felt desired. So what you say about him being turned off by me makes a lot of sense.

Last night after “trying to make me feel better” he told me I have a personality disorder and that I do not have the qualities that a “proper” woman has. And for a man to treat his woman with respect the woman first needs to show proper woman qualities to her man. I hid in the bathroom and sobbed like a baby. This is all after he told me he has to watch women flashing their boobs on tik tok to have a w*nk because I don’t put out enough.

I wish somebody, ANYBODY but him, knew exactly what’s going on and could TELL me how to FIX this mess.

Maybe I do have a personality disorder. My mum was a very jealous woman and Always thought my dad was cheating on her or looking at other women. My husband knows about this and he now says I am just like my mum. Although my mum NEVER thought my dad could be gay. I guess that paranoia of mine wasn’t inherited.

     Thread Starter
 

January 6, 2023 3:07 am  #8


Re: Husband GID or OW?

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Pinklady wrote:

... I am so confused and driving myself mad wondering....

Your husband won't be confused, or driving himself mad.
It may take you awhile to see the unfairness of it all. The one-sidedness of your situation.
Until then keep reading and posting your thoughts and questions. The Forum is a wealth of knowledge and advice 

Elle

Hi Elle

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post.

I think I am starting to see the one sidedness of it all. It might take a while like you said. I just hope I come out the other end a happy woman. I feel far from that right now. In between cleaning and seeing to my children, I am just constantly thinking, worrying and obsessing over what is going on.

You’re right - my husband doesn’t seem confused. Just for the 8 months or so he’s been having meltdowns saying he hates himself, feels trapped and is suicidal. When I remind him of these occasions, he says he only felt that way because of ME. That’s a hard one. I mean I’m taking this all on MY shoulders. This is just so unfair.

I am so grateful to have come across SSN, you guys are so very helpful. So thank you.

     Thread Starter
 

January 6, 2023 3:12 am  #9


Re: Husband GID or OW?

gwendolyn_C wrote:

Pinklady -  I tried to make my GID husband admit that he's attracted to men. He refuses to see his behaviors are not the norm for straight men. However, I had to let it go and focus on my needs. It has to be exhausting playing detective and analyzing all of his movements. I've been there so I know it is (tracking devices and all).  Perhaps try to forget about his sexuality and focus on the principles of marriage. Maybe it will help to see a different perspective and approach. 

 

Thank you so much for your reply.

I am trying so hard to put the sexuality to the side but I don’t know why I feel like this - I need to know. Have I wasted years with a gay man? Is none of this my fault? Or is he being honest when he says he’s not felt loved enough and he’s pulled away causing him depression, self hate and suicidal thoughts? Is it all my fault?

This might sound crazy but if he’s gay I feel it would be like a weight lifted because it would give me reason for the traumatic relationship I’ve had with him. Like everything would finally make sense. Because right now, it’s all just being blamed on me.

     Thread Starter
 

January 6, 2023 5:00 am  #10


Re: Husband GID or OW?

Pinklady wrote:

Last night after “trying to make me feel better” he told me I have a personality disorder and that I do not have the qualities that a “proper” woman has. And for a man to treat his woman with respect the woman first needs to show proper woman qualities to her man. I hid in the bathroom and sobbed like a baby. This is all after he told me he has to watch women flashing their boobs on tik tok to have a w*nk because I don’t put out enough.

I wish somebody, ANYBODY but him, knew exactly what’s going on and could TELL me how to FIX this mess.

Maybe I do have a personality disorder. My mum was a very jealous woman and Always thought my dad was cheating on her or looking at other women. My husband knows about this and he now says I am just like my mum. Although my mum NEVER thought my dad could be gay. I guess that paranoia of mine wasn’t inherited.

Pinklady, I suggest you read the list of manipulation techniques on this page. Write down all that apply to your husband (and don't doubt yourself while you're at it).

If you find out he uses any manipulation technique on you regularly and systematically, then there is absolutely nothing you can do to change him. Manipulators simply refuse to listen. Don't waste your time trying to understand his behavior or to make him understand your feelings. You cannot change any of this. He is unable and/or unwilling to care about you, so it must be you who cares about you.

As for the "gay or not gay" dilemma, you can do something similar: listen to Sean's podcast and write down all that he mentions about GID husbands' behavior that seems relevant to your situation. (Remember that no straight man would ever behave like that.)

I don't know if this works for you but writing things down often helps me to see the situation more clearly.

 

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