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1 of 1- katie1006
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Not Sure What to do Anymore
My story is very similar to many of the posts that I have read. I am 47, and my husband told me he was gay. My husband had a 3 and half year affair with another man and that is the one that I know about. When I first found out about the affair my husband told me that I had nothing to worry about because it was with a man and that made it different. It did make some sense to me at the time, and it wasn't another woman so itt did seem different to me at the time. He continued on with his relationship with him and I just went through the motions in life. A few months ago, my husband decided to break it off with him. This was of course after he had this man sleep in our bed while I was at a girls weekend away and my daughter found them in our bed the next morning. This was also after I left for a week vacation and I guess this man was in our home and in my bed while I was gone. After their blissful week together while I was gone my husband decided to break it off with him. I only found out that they broke up because the man sent terrible messages to my children, my husband's family, and myself. The gentleman shared texts, pictures, and videos to me and my children. The hurtful ones are him sending a text saying that he was just sitting thinking of him and all the good times that they had while I was away. I was also told that this man has been in our home on several occasions and my husband would even text him at night to come over while I was asleep and meet in the basement. Even after all of this my husband told me he loved me and that I am the only one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. So once again I stayed and put my faith in him.
A few months later, my husband contacted the gentlemen that he was with his ex-partner (they were dating the whole time while my husband was with his partner) and they talked it out and he apologized. My husband is now telling me that he needs someone to talk to... this past week he told me his is talking to another gentleman and that they are just friends..I feel like I am rambling on...
Anyways we are trying to piece our lives back together... it is hard because the trust is not there anymore. At times, he will get angry, and then I think it is because he is not living the life that he wants. I try and talk with him and he says that he is happy with me... I don't know what to do anymore...
- Blackie563
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Re: Not Sure What to do Anymore
Take the time you need. I'd ask yourself these questions: Man or woman, is he choosing you over anyone else? Sounds like you know the answer. A marriage is nothing more than a commitment, and it does not seem he is committed to you. Watch actions, not words. His actions tell you what his mind is thinking. Good luck, I am so sorry you have to go through this.
- walkbymyself
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Re: Not Sure What to do Anymore
Agree with Anon: is this the marriage you chose? I think there has to be more to life than "going through the motions".
I'm so sorry you're going through this. We all know how painful it is. And, your husband is wrong about one significant thing: cheating with a man is cheating, and it comes with all the hurt and pain that would be there in a heterosexual affair. It's a violation of trust, and a violation of the marriage vow, nothing less. Diminishing it like that is sleazy gaslighting.
My husband had irrational rages at me, too. Now that I know the full truth, I realize what was causing them, but at the time I searched for flaws in myself. I now think that's a form of abuse. He was angry because he probably felt he'd made this big magnanimous sacrifice just for me, and I didn't seem to behave appropriately grateful. In reality ... I never even knew the sacrifice existed, and I wouldn't have agreed to it if I'd known.
It's like telling someone they've incurred a debt. So I think he felt I should have been more appreciative of what an honor it was for a loser like me to be married to such an amazing catch like him. My sin was apparently believing that I was his equal.
Last edited by walkbymyself (January 4, 2023 1:19 pm)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Not Sure What to do Anymore
I would echo Anon's comment, and add, what about you? Are YOU living the life that YOU want? I'm fairly sure you would not have said that the life you want is to be married to a man who cheats on you with other men, minimizes his cheating as "it doesn't count because it's not a woman," exposes you to the vindictive revenge of his former partner, and then, after you and your children have been traumatized, announces he is getting involved with yet another man.
One thing I concluded about my ex was that he was always upping the ante of horrible in order to force me to pull the trigger on divorce. I don't know why he couldn't do it himself, but for whatever self-serving reason, he wouldn't. Your husband might be doing the same. Or he might simply be letting you know the full reality of what he considers your lot to be as his beard/wife appliance.
I hope you will visit a lawyer to see what your legal and financial options are should you decide you want out (and to protect yourself if he chooses to leave for one of his new partners).
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 4, 2023 1:28 pm)
- Rob
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Re: Not Sure What to do Anymore
Walk,
That is an interesting analysis that they made a sacrifice for us.
Yes my GX being a stay at home mom didn't hide the fact that she gave up her career for me and the kids.
But I never forced her to stay home and it's ironic how she has a job now but that money goes to pay for her house etc and not the kids ..
But suddenly it was like she sacrificed more..everything for me and I ruined her life. I wish I had gotten the memo but she was not one for communication. I apparently had been on some sort of secret probation in one of her arguments.. translation; she was secretly deciding to have a gay affair and unbeknownst to me I was suppose to change in some way to win her from a female friend?
If it's because we didn't communicate as two female friends would I can say its because I'm not female ..
No I've went over it over and over
...she was slowly building disdain and hatred of me but saying she loved me.
Theres nothing more I could have humanly done for her.. Im not saint no but I never lied, cheated ,stole..never raged or deliberately hurt.. I loved fiercely and loyally.
If they think we have a debt I surmise it is not a real one we can humanly pay in this life..
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7