Cameron wrote:

Shirley - I completely agree that this forum should not evolve into a "poor me" gay parade.  Unquestionably, the Straight Spouse Network's purpose is to support straight spouses.

When I first found this forum five years ago, it took me several months to understand my appropriate role here as a gay spouse.  I now follow a few self-imposed rules -

1. I try to wait at least a full day before responding to a new thread.  I think it's very important that the first several replies come from straight spouses and not a gay one. 
2. I try to only post new and relevant information.  If a straight spouse can say something I can, there's no need for me to say anything.
3. I try to stick to subjects I know first-hand, especially the "Is he gay?" question and the pros vs. cons of staying in a MOM.
4. I respond when someone directly asks me a question.

I know some people don't like this new message board, but I think the change has enabled the regulars to really shine.  In my opinion, the quality and thoughtfulness of the posts are the best they've ever been.  As a result, I find there's less I can usefully add.  Although I check in almost every day, I'm happy to lurk and mostly not post.

And why do I like to lurk?  To continue my own education.

Because I participate in other forums, both in person and on-line, I encounter "bi-curious" men all the time.  These men are so stuck in their own narrow worlds that they have no genuine understanding of how their hidden sexuality affects others.  If I wasn't there to push, prod, question and advocate, they'd rely on similar "curious" men to direct them.  I think I add a great deal of value to those conversations --- but only because I spend so much time lurking, reading and learning here.

This *is* your forum, Shirley.  So I respectfully ask for your permission to continue to chime in from time to time, subject to the restrictions I have outlined above.  Will that work for you?

Thank you Cameron.  I appreciate the respect and I respect your voice especially if you are trying to stop others doing what so many others have done to the people on this forum.  Maybe, just maybe if you had been there for my ex, then we may have been able to save some semblance of a relationship.   I remember saying 'why doesn't anyone just tell him'.  He went completely into the gay scene, new friends, new partners and became a different person overnight.  

I acknowledge the difficulties gay people have in 'coming out' regardless of whether they are married or not.  However, I personally don't want to know the difficulties of those that have married and openly said their marriage vows knowing the poor sod they're marrying hasn't got a clue.  It broke my heart to read Sean confirming this. 

I've digressed.  I personally don't want to know the difficulties that married or formerly married gay people have suffered.  God knows I spent years after he left trying to understand what my ex needed (He was my best friend.  Or so I believed. Why wouldn't I?) but the abuse and deceit continued and I spent even more years trying to find out HOW he could do this to me and our children. 

I acknowledge there are people on this forum who's Sean's views may help.  I am not one of them and will heed his advice not to read his posts. 

I have one question Cameron (and I may have more) maybe you can help me with.  It's many, many years since we split up and don't have anything to do with each other anymore.  He used the children to see me.  He wouldn't see the children unless I was there.  Why were his children not more important to him than I was?   He would proclaim he would always be there for them but when they needed to speak to him he couldn't be found.  My youngest (he was about 15 or so at the time) was phoning all his father's friends and the hospitals, leaving voicemails everywhere.  So youngest son said 'right, I'll get him to ring'.  One of the voicemails he left with one of the friends said 'dad, can you get in touch.  Mum's in hospital'.   10 minutes it took him to get in touch.  

thank you for listening


 
 

Cajun Belle: Effing brilliant.  And I say it as one who needs to heed what you've said.

Thank you Cajun Belle.

CajunBelle wrote:

Men do not have this oxytocin storm exacerbating an addiction every time they have an orgasm. You guys can orgasm "off the record." You may love your mate very dearly but you simply don't get marinated in an extremely powerful bonding chemical every time you  come. >

Oh we men get marinated when we cum... don't you worry about that... but perhaps in a slightly different cocktail of hormones.  We get marinated in the hormones that say "You need to do that again. You need to do it soon... and you need to do it as often as possible."

Of course all this chemical and biological stuff plays a part... but honestly... how 'cut up' someone - male or female - gets after a breakup is wrapped up in a very, very complex set of factors.  How 'in love' you were... how happy you were in the relationship... what your prospects are moving forward.... how it affects other relationships you have... how it affects your ability to house and feed your family.... how it will impact on you financially... etc etc.  I could go on and on.

Statistically something like 70% of all divorces are instigated by women.  That statistic is NOT saying that women are the 'home wrecking' gender.  They are just the gender that eventually says "Fuck this... I'm out."  So... as 'marinated' as a woman may get in this 'I love you' hormone it's not gonna make her put up with your shit forever. 

Love the geek out CajunBelle

Steve (closet geek)





 

Last edited by Steve (November 7, 2016 1:13 am)

CajunBelle wrote:

I think, lostdad, her oxytocin will be elicited (trying to be delicate here) by orgasms with someone who feels like her mate in the orientation sense. ahem.

Seems like you guys are both describing emotional states as opposed to actual hormone/chemical addiction states... but then, (referring back to the "I confess" thread) I confess that straight men mystify me even more than gay ones.

I give up. You know what I've been through, Lostdad.... married men and gay guys... married men and gay guys. Oh hell and the occasional married gay GID guy.

I've had it. I'm sticking with animals.
 

Don't give up!  


I think the emotional state we describe is assisted by a chemical stimulant. I think it's similar to how women are designed.  Perhaps the hormonal brew isn't as intoxicating for men as it is for women..  But I think there is still a similarity.