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January 2, 2023 12:12 pm  #1

Is it possible he is gay or bisexual?

I am a woman and I. Am. Confused. And I want to do the right thing for everyone in my family which in my mind will always include him as the father of my child. Please read through and support if you can.

He and I met on tinder over 3 years ago. We kept things super casual for the first few months, then shut off our tinder’s and said we were only sleeping with each other but nothing official. A few months in he shared some stuff about his past relationships with me, disclosed he had cheated and displayed remorse and stated that he had learned from that experience. He wouldn’t ever lie like that  again because he saw how much pain it had caused his ex. This alone was what had me falling in love with him… I had been so hurt in the past, tried polyamory with a previous partner and for some reason they couldn’t be honest even with an open relationship… honestly had been cheated on in almost all of my past relationships. So great communication and honesty was/is my deepest value in partnership….anyways, I was falling in love. The new year was around the corner and one night I got a text from him that said “I never stopped wanting that ______” the text was meant for his ex girlfriend who I will not name but we will call her ‘Sally’. I was shocked, we talked, it because clear he was confused and it was decided that all three of us would hang out together on the new year.. I am open minded and it all seemed organic and not staged… she had reached out to him after their breakup from the previous year and they had left things really chaotic - she needed mental health help at the end of the relationship. Anyways I spoke with her directly before meeting it was implied that things could become sexual / threesome but we would see where things went chemistry wise.  It went nowhere, Sally showed up and was either manic or anxious but she never calmed down, she talked for hours constantly… I could sense the sexual tension between the two of them and decided to check-in with myself. I didn’t want to be a part of their confusion and was deciding to back out… I told them both this directly and now it was well after midnight. I had had a couple of drinks and they were saying I shouldn’t drive etc. I felt overwhelmed and told him directly ‘I need a break’ and went into his tiny bathroom to just breathe. Moments later he followed me in somewhat frantic, apologizing, and told me he didn’t want anything to do with her. He said “I’ll sleep on the couch you and her sleep in my bed and we will just move past this” and he told me he LOVED me for the FIRST time in that moment…. I was floored, I felt he was ‘’choosing’’ me. I told him I loved him too. We walked out of that bathroom and I thought we were together…. The rest of the night was awkward - she never stopped talking and I barely slept. The next morning I left - they clearly needed to talk - he and I said our I love you’s at the door and I left them in his apartment together. I FULLY realized that they could likely sleep together, for closure, and also had no problem with that, would have been understanding of it truly. I didn’t dictate to him anything before leaving I left it open and figured we could talk about it later. At first I decided to give space - he said later that same day that he told her he wanted to be with me and had said goodbye so I said I don’t need to know if anything happened between you two. And I didn’t if she was in the past… However, two weeks goes by and he is still texting her. Said it was important that he know she’s okay and be supportive. It was weird and a red flag so I said I needed to know if they had sex or not considering this continued communication and he said nothing happened… and I never believed him…. I tried to but something inside me just knew. He always chopped it up to me ‘not respecting him’ ‘being stuck in the past trauma of my ex’ and eventually my ‘pregnancy hormones’.

Stick with me this is a long story but I feel it has to be for context…

Now let me say I am bisexual, spent a short period of time camming, and am very open about my sexuality. I had A GIANT bag of toys, chains, whips, clamps, plugs, just a wide variety of everything when he met me. I tried to get him to tell me about his fantasies and such and I mentioned several times my interest in wanting to play with his butt and he always said ‘no, i’m definitely not into that’. I asked about porn preference throughout our relationship and he just said POV or whatever I see on the main page, basic things. Boring in my opinion. But Our sex was vanilla and I just thought I’d found a well rounded really nice guy who was treating me good for a change. I never pushed him to try anything.
Fast forward a couple years - I’ve given up my career, moved states, had a baby, and feel like I can’t trust him at all but it was just my ‘postpartum depression’ (which did play a roll for sure but….) we fought a lot - my therapist had given me the ‘power control wheel’ around this time and I decided to go through his phone(this wasn’t the first time I’d done this, wrong I know) and found a video of him using my anal plug… I was concerned he was sending videos to someone else romantically and asked him gently about it… I didn’t want to offend him because I knew this was sensitive….he was embarrassed and apologized for using my toys and said he had never done it before and he didn’t like it. I encouraged him that I would explore with him and he said no. Fast forward another year or so and I still can’t shake the feeling he is lying - we just bought a house and moved in and then he finally tells me the truth about sleeping with his ex girlfriend at the beginning of our relationship.. I was heartbroken not because he slept with her but because he lied to me like he did for so long… he would get defensive and say ‘ we weren’t even together then’’ and then he’d cry and say he was willing to do anything. Nothing was changing and I didn’t want to be with him anymore - this was a huge violation to me considering my past and all the boundaries I had set with him…but we try couples counseling for about 7 months and I still can’t shake the feeling he is still lying to me. I was convinced he was cheating on me and I was going to get proof so I could leave. I left a few days with the baby and set up a baby monitor in the bedroom he didn’t know about… and I was really surprised to see he staged every large mirror in the house around our bed, put my cosmetic make-up mirror with the lights up at the center and he was penetrating himself with my largest dildo while watching gay and transgender porn. We all know that takes time to graduate to… literally anal training. I knew then, that this had been happening a lot longer than I could have ever suspected. .
When I asked him about this he then says he has been doing it his entire life, he has been using my toys since the beginning of our relationship, has used all of his exes toys in the past… it started when he was young and he used to use things he shouldn’t. I would be willing to attribute this to a porn addiction but it started at puberty…? I’m so confused about the shame… why not want to explore it with me knowing I am so open? And him knowing its something he has always done…. I would have been excited to peg him if he had told me and I have to believe he knows that since I told him such at the beginning of our relationship.

He lies a lot about things that seemingly dont need to be lied about… I didn’t see it until after I found out the truth about his ex. Before that I blamed everything on my hormones and depression.

A few days before he moved out he said to me “I think I might be a sociopath and if I had been raised in different setting I think I could have turned out a serial killer”

I brushed it off and said I don’t think you’re a sociopath and now I’m even more confused.

There’s a lot more to it of course but this is already so long…. Does any of this read as a man who could be just deeply in denial about his attraction for men? Cause at this point in my head he is either in denial and shame and I feel sorry for him or I’m angry and bitter because he’s a monster that trapped me in a state I hate, hours away from everyone I love, in a house I’ll never be able to pay for alone. I can’t take child support because I am trying to just keep the peace. I think he is a good dad but I’m probably going to regret not fighting him tooth and nail to go home and take full custody. Or that’s my fear talking. I don’t know. Being gaslit for years is great. I don’t know truth anymore. I wish he had just been honest - our potential marriage wouldn’t have fallen apart. If at any point he said I’m bi curious and want to explore that or had been upfront about using my toys… just any level of honesty and I would still be with him right now.

I have to talk to him everyday and I want to be amicable because we split our 19 month old 50/50… he’s a good dad I think… but I’m not sure of anything anymore.

I’ll also add I have gone to the hospital a few times throughout this relationship for suicidal ideation, insomnia, and basically confusion. I’m struggling. I’m currently taking medication normally prescribed to war veterans for PTSD nightmares and insomnia. I’ve been in therapy most of my life and he started therapy about 6 months ago.


January 2, 2023 12:25 pm  #2

Re: Is it possible he is gay or bisexual?

You're bisexual?
This isn't a Forum for members of the LGBTQ community.

This Forum is for the straight spouses of that community who been traumatised and betrayed by them, sometimes for decades, and have come here for support from other straightspouses.

There will be an LGBTQ support group out there somewhere for you.

KIA KAHA                       

January 2, 2023 12:27 pm  #3

Re: Is it possible he is gay or bisexual?

I’ve been betrayed by my straight fiancé  while in a heterosexual relationship. I had no relationships with women during our time together. Please… I am not finding support anywhere this is so cruel 😭

Unbelievably cruel…. I’m losing all my faith in humanity. Why should I even try?

Seems my story triggers people into telling me I’m the problem. Must be I am.

I’ll just go back to the hospital. Excuse me for being a person.

Last edited by Cultivate_gratitude (January 2, 2023 12:29 pm)

     Thread Starter

January 2, 2023 12:35 pm  #4

Re: Is it possible he is gay or bisexual?

You wrote  "I am bisexual, spent a short period of time camming, and am very open about my sexuality. I had A GIANT bag of toys, chains, whips, clamps, plugs, just a wide variety of everything"

This doesn't sound in any way heterosexual.

KIA KAHA                       

January 2, 2023 12:37 pm  #5

Re: Is it possible he is gay or bisexual?

Also literally the feed below me is a gay man a member of the LGBTQ community on this forum offering insight.

So if I had just excluded the disclosure that my ex-partner should have had perhaps an extra reason to be honest with me I would have had access to a community of support? Nice. But because I hooked up with a girl in high school and keep an open mind I’m excluded?

I went to Reddit and the gay and bisexual men ran me off telling me I was weird.

I LITERALLY HAVE NO ONE, what the actual f$&!

     Thread Starter

January 2, 2023 12:38 pm  #6

Re: Is it possible he is gay or bisexual?

You’re a fucking monster

I hope you understand how cruel you are

     Thread Starter

January 2, 2023 2:48 pm  #7

Re: Is it possible he is gay or bisexual?


Have you tried individual counselling? Your situation is complex and it sounds like you could use a lot of support. 

Your situation is different than most on this forum, as yes, this forum is meant to be for heterosexual spouses who had been married to/together with someone who was (typically) in the closet. I do not mean this in a disclusionary way, more just stating you may not find it as helpful as you had hoped.

Please find someone to speak with who can give you the individual support you need. Honestly, you sound as though you are really struggling, more so than an online forum can help with. And lashing out at the people on the forum also isn't fair. For the most part, everyone on this forum strives to be supportive and there for each other.

If you find you are in a state of suicidal ideation, please phone your countries help line or go to the nearest emergency room. I hope you receive the help and support you need.


January 2, 2023 10:17 pm  #8

Re: Is it possible he is gay or bisexual?

CG: you seem to be spectacularly misnamed. 


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