OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
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* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
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- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: What do outsiders say? impact on kids?
clintonia wrote:
..I think everyone should be more critical when a person comes out than to unhesitatingly celebrate. ....
In a perfect world... that's how it would be too. But the world's not perfect.
Strangers can cheer on and celebrate a person they see as "brave and courageous" after having their "true self" suppressed for years because for whatever reason they've had to but a stranger can't acknowledge those on the sidelines, the collateral damage... us...when many haven't even heard the term straightspouse, we haven't even been mentioned in anybody's account of what's happened and, I believe many of us don't step forward into the light because
... we're not ready?, we expect judgement? We have more important things to think about?...our children for one.
And I don't know the answer. Well I kind of do. Someone, somewhere, at some point decided that LGBTQ people needed to be acknowledged....and slowly, globally it happened. By who? How long did it take? And where did it start?
It's us. This is where it starts. We're the someones, this is the somewhere, we are the start of it.
But how do you teach outsiders about straightspouses when the name has been removed from the title?
That's what we need. Someone, somewhere, sometime to decide that it's time straightspouses need to be acknowledged. Maybe...slowly, globally we will be.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Marianne
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Re: What do outsiders say? impact on kids?
From the storytelling point of view... I have to say that LGBT* people have chosen a powerful narrative to tell. "I've been suffering for years. But then I found my true self. And now all I need is just your acceptance and then I can live the rest of my life in perfect happiness."
To be fair, our stories are... somehow less wonderful to hear. Not so easy to tell because of the deep betrayal. We've been blindsided, lied to, cheated on, manipulated. The only happy ending we can hope for is to heal our hearts.
Or maybe someone else can tell the story of straightspouses better than I can imagine.
Last edited by Marianne (January 1, 2023 1:52 pm)
- lily
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Re: What do outsiders say? impact on kids?
Happiness. Someone once said to me happiness comes from success. Nice bit of spin, that. She is, of course, in the closet. She wanted to have a family, she wanted her career, she bears a grudge and feels completely entitled to deceive a straight man into marriage and then use him as a scratching post to ease her fury.
Casting aside a straight spouse like yesterday's trash is relatively preferable compared to using them to the end, I think. It was my choice to get divorced, I had to fight for it, after decades of marriage I get to feel all the damage and I ache for the loss of happiness but my instinct at the time of discovery, my bottom line was I just did not want my life to have been all about him, I wanted some clear air.
Of course we have a story to tell. It's a quiet private story that gets trampled over, but it's still there.
Last edited by lily (January 1, 2023 3:19 pm)
- SameDeepWaterAsPhil
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Re: What do outsiders say? impact on kids?
"Heartwarming coming out stories sometimes state that although family and friends previously didn't understand the person's suppression, but they "responded with love because they loved me". Yet family and friends, and the general public, *do not* support straight partners, accept them or even acknowledge what the LGBTQ partner did and may continue to be doing. Somehow, straight partners still don't exist and aren't allowed to-- just as they weren't during the active relationship in many ways."
Clintonia:
I was just talking with one of my family members about this very issue! Straight spouses are simply unseen. Our stories--our traumas--are not considered in light of the "bravery" of SSA spouses who choose to leave their families to lead so-called "authentic" lives. We've fought so hard for our marriages, often to the point of mental & physical exhaustion, & receive NO support or empathy. What's more, if the shoe were on the other foot, & I, as a husband, we're to declare my desire to end my marriage to pursue other women at the cost of destroying my family, I'd be reviled! But, not so with SSA spouses. Nope, they're just finally living their "truth." It's a twisted "get out of marriage free" card that popular culture & the LGBTQ community have alike embraced. Straight spouses, meanwhile, are left to mourn alone, struggling to pick up the pieces of their utterly ruined lives.