The aftermath can feel--and be--overwhelming.  I got through it by means of a mantra ("It'll be ok": "I'll be ok"), the old AA slogans "One day at a time" and "Take it easy," with variations, like "One challenge at a time," and telling myself that many of the elements overwhelming me were tasks only, and that I could in fact do them or find work arounds. 

  I also reminded myself that unlike my ex's behavior, I did in fact have the power to fix or control the outcomes, and that my ex did not and never did "have my back" in the way I thought he did--from bucking me up or backing me up  to being reliable if I needed emergency help.

  It's not much comfort now, but I can say from almost five years out that it does get better.  I am still occasionally lonely, and still miss the rhythms of afterwork (or some of them...).  But I remind myself that I was often lonely in my marriage, which was far worse, and I have put in place other afterwork rituals and learned to compensate for his absence (not that he was ever entirely present even when in the same room!): i listen to a podcast when I need the sound of a human voice, for instance, and because my lease forbids pets--as odd as this will sound--I derive company form the "living flames " of candles or a fire in the fireplace. 

 I think that it's not uncommon for us to discover that life with our spouses has isolated us from others.  My ex, especially after disclosure, required and expected a lot of emotional caretaking, and I spent much of my mental and emotional bandwidth on his moods.  I  work a lot harder at friendships now, because I understand how necessary a network of friends is, both for company and for reciprocal care.  

Over time I have learned that I can rely on myself in ways I didn't think possible.  You will, too.  

One last thing: I don't mean to sound cruel or unfeeling, but before you spend such a huge sum of money on this new cat I hope you have a firm understanding that this surgery will succeed.  It might also be worth asking yourself whether you are going to such an extreme for the cat as a reaction to the loss of your marriage.  

Oh I wish it were that simple with the cat lol.

No, I'm just an insane animal lover. I swear the universe sends these broken misfits to me because it knows I'll pay the bills! I am very lucky because I am currently in a situation where I am able to afford it at this time (it's due to some unusual circumstances, but I am so thankful for them). And the surgery is curative of the issue at hand. The quote there is the high end, the vet doesn't think it will be that high, but I'm just planning for the worst and hoping for the best.

My other dog is seeing a rehab specialist at the same time for a custom brace for a torn tendon that is inoperable. The list goes on. I told them they all need to not break at the same time! Because I don't know what the future is gonna hold so I keep telling them they gotta leave me some savings....

My pets are my world and so long as they have QOL I will cover everything I can. And I know a lot of people think I'm crazy

I leave the TV on in the evenings. For the sound. I put on a Netflix series and go about my life, just so there's noise. And I find I talk to the dogs now. I always have, but not like this lol. I've always been a talker, and I don't have anyone to talk to in the evenings anymore. So I tell them about my day now and try to keep the loneliness at bay.

Last week I was driving home and I got a flat tire. It was -45C. Pitch black as I was on the highway. I tried calling for roadside assistance and there was an 84 hour wait time. Super helpful.

So I had to change a tire on the side of the road. Thankfully I have a full size tire spare and no donut! I thought I was gonna freeze to death. I would do a few mins then sit in the car and warm up as much as I could to do it again. I lost feeling in my toes.

Strong independent woman, hear me roar! Although, not gonna lie....a guy could have come along at any point in time to do it for me....2 decades of marriage and I've never had an issue like this. Separated for a couple months and boom I'm changing tires in the dark getting frost bite.

But, if nothing else, I learned I sure can do a lot more than I thought I could.

I can't wait until I reach the point where it does get a bit better. And I stop randomly crying in weird places. It's kinda funny cuz I just started a new medication for depression right when he dropped the bombshell. I had a follow up with the doc and she asks how it's working....and I'm like, I have no idea. Like....I have no idea right now what is normal situational depression related to major life changes and what is pathological. So, we agreed to give it another couple months before making any decisions. 

I also have the slogan of one day at a time. It does help. And talking to people here helps. You guys get it. And I appreciate it and enjoy hearing other people's stories of overcoming and succeeding. 

Whelp. 2022 can just fuck off already!

I planned out coffee with a friend of mine for today. I had to drop off my dog at the vet for an x-ray series, so the plan was to drop her off  and she had to stay a few hours. So, I dropped her off, grabbed some fancy coffees and headed over to my friends place to pass the time until I picked her up.

So, when I dropped her off I asked the receptionist if the vet could take a look at her, as I thought her eyes looked funny. The coloring was off. My family was over for the holidays and everyone told me I was crazy and she looked just fine. So, I thought I was being a worry wart (I have anxiety).

I get to my friends and we start chatting and the vet calls....to inform me my dog has severe jaundice. He recommended immediate transfer to the hospital in the city. So, I go rushing back to the vet, grab her, and then rush her to the emerg hospital. Get there and they took her right back.

So, she got admitted. Prognosis unknown. I now get to wait for the test results. I don't know what I'm going to do if that dog dies....

The last few months, since GH walked out, that dog has been by my side. Anytime I cry, she's there. She sleeps against me every night. She cuddles up with me on the couch to watch tv. She's such a special girl.

I'm realistic. There's a really good chance she's not coming back from this. I told the vet if she declines or suffers in anyway to let her go. If there isn't going to be good QOL and a reasonable chance of recovery, then it's her time.

So, I wait for the test results.

This past year my job went to hell. I changed careers. I recovered from breaking my elbow and having to take 9 weeks off work without pay. My husband blind sided me with prancing out of the closet that I didn't even know he was in in the first place (I've seen so many people talk about red flags....he had none, no one saw it coming including his family and friends), I'm going through a divorce I didn't know was coming, I got dumped alone with 5 animals and a house and all the bills so I work 55 hours a week, and now it looks like my dog is going to die.

This means I'm gonna win the lottery in 2023 right??

Not gonna lie, I have a dry sarcastic wit about me lol

You called yourself " an insane animal lover" earlier in this thread. I think you have to not love them so much it's a detriment to your own progress in this new life you're trying to make for yourself

Said with respect

Elle