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1 of 1- iamthelorax
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Anxiety attacks - Broke up with girlfriend
Hello again,
Earlier this week I broke up with my girlfriend. I had been getting many anxiety attacks these past couple weeks. We had an minor argument that should have just been an argument but it triggered 2 things. First, she was unhappy with my behavior and was tired of me being less farther along in the relationship than her. Second, an anxiety attack that had me in knots and unable to sleep for a full 24 hours. It broke my heart but I ended it.
I'm bringing this here because I'm curious if what I'm going through is normal for people who were let go by a narcissist gay ex? My nerves are just shot. The girlfriend (ex) actually texted me the next day to say she believes it was the right thing to do but I'm sad of course.
Is it normal for people with a narcissitic ex to go through this kind of stress after the relationship? I'm quite concerned about suffering from a burnout.
- Steve
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Re: Anxiety attacks - Broke up with girlfriend
Hey Lorax. There's no one size fits all after TGT. Some people re-partner successfully soon after. Others stay single for a long time. Others rebound into meaningless sex. Others have what I call 'false starts' where they have a few relationships with the wrong people before (hopefully) meeting Mr or Mrs Right.
If it is over with your GF use it as a learning experience.
I had a BIG false start. Dated a lady for quite a few years before it became obvious it wasn't going to work. It didn't work out but oh man I needed that relationship. I needed it to know that I could love and be loved after TGT. I needed to know what it was like to be with a straight woman. And frankly I needed the sex. So even though the relationship failed I am grateful for it.
I too found it hard to move forward in new relationships. I think some of us become emotionally 'stuck'. I don't mean stuck in our former marriage (although it can be that if you stay in love with your ex) I mean emotionally guarded or emotionally unavailable. 'Stuck' in the sense that you want to love and trust and dream but TGT has put concrete around your heart. It's a REALLY hard thing to get over. The FIRST step to getting over it is recognizing that it's happening. It requires using your head a little. I find myself kicking myself in the bum sometimes to ensure that my past doesn't destroy my future.
Give this time Lorax. Think a lot. If this relationship was right for you both you will gravitate back towards each other. If it wasn't right you will move on having learned something about yourself. When the time is right and you are ready someone good will come along. In the mean time focus on YOU. Find out who YOU are. It is never a bad thing to re-discover YOURSELF.
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.
- iamthelorax
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Re: Anxiety attacks - Broke up with girlfriend
Wow, I really appreciate that insight. I can relate to needing to have sex with a straight woman, it was night and day compared to my ex wife.
I guess I need to focus on me and get over this. Appointment with a psychotherapist tomorrow.
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Anxiety attacks - Broke up with girlfriend
Really scary guys..
If I was in a new relationship now and the person started screaming and swearing at me. I would start shaking. Ptsd for sure.
".. but oh man I needed that relationship. I needed it to know that I could love and be loved after TGT. .."
I don't want to be desperate..i know right now I'd go out with anyone just to have someone to talk to.. and that not right.
I do feel unlovable.but to be a kind person like I am be rejected. .well I can see that it was not normal. I can how crazy my lezex was..I was not some deadbeat unaffectionate husband.
For me now..best to be alone and safe.
Lorax you may be further along but I don't see how you could settle for anyone that hurts you..that is not what we need.
Last edited by Rob (November 5, 2016 10:40 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Betsy
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Re: Anxiety attacks - Broke up with girlfriend
I don't know when you "discovered" the horrible secret that permeated your marital dynamics, what was underlying, unbeknownst to you. It's traumatic, and it takes time to recover from the shock, including getting over the flashbacks from finding out, the flashbacks from the dynamics now that you know why things were off, and to get over the betrayal and deceit. You loved someone so much, and yet that person used you more than loved you! That can cause you symptoms of PTSD. I cried non-stop (every couple of hours), for weeks, then I cried every day but less often, then I cried a few hours a week...etc. Now I feel the shock and pain get triggered every few months and it lasts a couple to several minutes.
I've tried to keep what my X did to me as an isolated incident in life and not project it into a new relationship. Am I wary? Yes! Am I suspicious. Well, if/when I am I will investigate any of my suspicions. I wear a badge that says, "No one will dupe me in that way again!" Now I know that If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then most likely, it's a duck! If it doesn't look like a duck or walk like a duck or quack like a duck and I'm just afraid it's going to be a duck, then it's not a duck! It's probably relational PTSD! I've learned that "non-ducks" don't mind questions, aren't secretive, and are understanding.
We straights made our best decisions with as much info as we knew when we married. We can all look back and want to redo our decisions with more info before we married. We can't. We were robbed of an authentic relationship once. Don't let that terrible circumstance rob you twice.
- Keepinghope
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Re: Anxiety attacks - Broke up with girlfriend
Wondering...is there anyone out there who found love again in their 60's or beyond? I've had three major love interests in my life, and each one was emotionally unavailable for one reason or another (the last one, of course, TGT.) it must be me, right? I'm pretty happy with my life right now, although this is still pretty fresh, and I'm not looking for love again, yet. Just wondering though; is it possible at my stage in life? Or should I just accept I'm gong to be single the rest of my life?
- iamthelorax
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Re: Anxiety attacks - Broke up with girlfriend
Well, I do know my grandmother found someone in her 80's and they remained together until he passed away. I don't see any reason to give up hope.
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Thread Starter- Keepinghope
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Re: Anxiety attacks - Broke up with girlfriend
Thanks for sharing. I'm not ready for sure, but maybe I should stay open to the possibility...after all my tag line IS never give up hope, right?
- Emerald
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Re: Anxiety attacks - Broke up with girlfriend
iamthelorax wrote:
Hello again,
Earlier this week I broke up with my girlfriend. I had been getting many anxiety attacks these past couple weeks. We had an minor argument that should have just been an argument but it triggered 2 things. First, she was unhappy with my behavior and was tired of me being less farther along in the relationship than her. Second, an anxiety attack that had me in knots and unable to sleep for a full 24 hours. It broke my heart but I ended it.
I'm bringing this here because I'm curious if what I'm going through is normal for people who were let go by a narcissist gay ex? My nerves are just shot. The girlfriend (ex) actually texted me the next day to say she believes it was the right thing to do but I'm sad of course.
Is it normal for people with a narcissitic ex to go through this kind of stress after the relationship? I'm quite concerned about suffering from a burnout.
Yes, I think you're reaction is normal. You've been through a traumatic experience and one you'll likely grow from even if you can't see it now. I believe if you wish for a relationship then it will happen, just give it time, and it will when the time is right. It did for my aunt in her early 60's.
- iamthelorax
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Re: Anxiety attacks - Broke up with girlfriend
Thanks Emerald, I appreciate the feedback. I was thinking about that topic yesterday after clearing my head a bit. I do want to be in a relationship, in fact I want a "family" again with a partner. I think that if the time was right, I'd most likely have worked on having one with the ex gf but it simply isn't possible right now. Instead, I have paperwork to do and some work on myself.
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Thread Starter