Hi firefly, 

yes, aren't the holidays the pits - the thing to do is to remember that your feelings are going to flip around a bit and it's like this for so many of us.  Reaching out is a great way to go.

Wishing you happiness, despite it all.  hugs, Lily

firefly wrote:

My GH knows about this site, and sometimes I fear that if I post too much, he may figure out who I am.  I am not in danger; I just don't want him to see me vent here - especially if I am making any plans......

  I am not looking forward to Christmas and playing happy families, though.  I am feeling a lot of anxiety and sadness over it....
 

 

Yeah it's tough. While deciding how to move on, move out, move away we also have to live 2 lives right? Put a façade up in front of how we really feel. It's just not fair! But we do it because there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Faint but it's there. 
I've found it easier I now feel no emotional attachment towards my partner. And yes I still feel sad and it's so disappointing this is my life at this time but I'm looking at it as (a rather long) hiatus that won't last forever.

So what if he knows about this site....this, the Forum, is support for you. It's your space, your relief.....don't allow the thought of his negativity and him being angry about you being here get in the way of...you being here. You're an individual. He doesn't own you, your thoughts or what you write.
I used to feel scared of what I posted on here being seen/read/my identity guessed by somebody. No longer. If someone I knew (even if it was my partner!) said "is this you?...it sounds like you?" I'd say "yip that's  me...do you want to talk about it?"
 

Holidays are rough. This will be my first Christmas alone.

Unlike others, my gay husband pronounced it to me and then walked out. On one hand I guess it's like a band aid...ripped off fast. On the other hand, I legit went from being "happily" married for 2 decades to alone overnight. I have never lived alone. It's been quite the adjustment.

I have tried for some normalcy and put up a little tree and some decorations. I have always had unipolar depression so I push myself to still celebrate things and do day to day stuff. And it has helped a little.

My family is celebrating on Boxing Day, due to people having to work the holiday. And I'm at a bit of a loss of what to do with myself on the actual day. We used to have all these traditions. This year I'm going to wake up alone, and there aren't any presents under the tree (for me at least, I have other people's out).

I don't particularly want to do any of the "traditions" we had as a couple, alone. So right now I got nothing. I debated buying myself a gift but what I do want is too expensive for the budget right now, so I'm holding off.

I agree with others, do what you gotta do to survive the holidays. Whether that's celebrating or going to a hotel for a few days. We'll all get through and into the new year!

Anon2222 wrote:

Holidays are rough. This will be my first Christmas alone......

 

I wish I was there to spend xmas with you Anon. To me you are brave. I read your posts as resolute and undaunted in your journey, even more so with the added depression.
Don't be surprised if I come online and wish you Merry xmas on the 24th because New Zealand is a day ahead

Elle ❤️
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (December 20, 2022 1:04 pm)