Looking for any advice/support/help. I'm 11 months on now from the announcement that he is transgender and although we live separately and have no contact still get very upset and experience very dark days. 

Firstly, I have a meltdown whenever I encounter a mature trans woman. Yesterday I had to engage with a 50ish trans woman at work and just couldn't do it and had to call in someone to take my place as I was in bits. I thought with the help of therapy I was progressing well but realized that the upset and trauma is still there and I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I still have feelings of betrayal, deceit, injustice and feelings of loss for a male partner who I truly believed to be male. Does anyone else experience this?
Secondly, my sister's son (my nephew) wants to invite my STBX to his wedding next year which I find deeply upsetting. Neither my sister nor my nephew think there is anything unusual about this as 'they like him' even when I have pointed out he is no longer part of this family so why is he being treated as such? I feel my feelings are not being considered at all so their compromise is to send him an e-vite to a live streaming of the ceremony. I find this really creepy because my STBX will be looking for me through the camera. If this happens I don't want to go.
Any advice as to how to handle this? My sister knows how difficult I have found this last year with days where I have not wanted to carry on and yet I am having to fight my corner and explain how an invite to my STBX, who has hidden a secret throughout our marriage is not appropriate.

Nadine,
    After my now-ex's trans bomb drop, it took me three years just to leave!  I am now seven years out from the bomb drop, and four from the divorce, and I still do not want to have to have anything to do with my ex, because I would no doubt fall apart after any interaction!  Thankfully I am no contact with him, but even so the day after interacting with my adult son I am off balance, just knowing he is in contact with his father.

Because I don't see my ex, and because the past few years I have been preoccupied with my mother's decline and death, and am now clearing out her house and settling her estate, the pain of the trans nightmare I lived in has by necessity been edged out of my consciousness, but nonetheless when I do think of him and that time I continue to have similar feelings about my ex ("betrayal, deceit, injustice, and loss"--also anger), and no doubt always will, as all those feelings seem to me entirely appropriate reactions to what I--and you--have experienced.

Like you, I cannot bear to be in the company of trans people, as it brings forcefully back to me that time and the trauma I experienced.  If I see a trans woman--and you can ALWAYS tell--I turn around and walk the other way.  I cannot imagine having to interact with one at work. 

 As for the wedding.  It is a disappointment that your sister and nephew can't understand the trauma, or even imagine what a blow it is--and what kind of blow it is and how it affects one--when a male spouse declares he's a woman.  I have concluded that this is one of those situations that you have had to experience before you understand it.  You cannot, of course, make your sister and nephew understand what it is like, and you cannot force them not to invite your ex.  They probably think they have come up with a reasonable compromise, the way I did when in grad school when it was my turn to provide the mid-class snack I made Quiche Lorraine (which is made with bacon), but made one individual sized quiche without the bacon to respect the dietary restrictions of the Muslim member of the class, never thinking that even though he himself wasn't being asked to eat bacon he had to sit there surrounded by those who were eating it.  At the time I congratulated myself for my cultural sensitivity; now I cringe at my cluelessness!

You can only control your own actions.  If your sister and nephew are determined to invite your ex to the streaming version of the ceremony, and the thought of his gaze on you is intolerable to you, it's your right to set a boundary that protects you.  You can thank them for being willing to compromise, explain why you are still uncomfortable, acknowledge that they are of course entitled to invite him if they wish, tell them that your discomfort with their compromise means that you yourself feel comfortable attending only by streaming, and wish your nephew all happiness.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 4, 2022 8:39 pm)

Thank you Toward the light, Out of His Closet and Anon2222 you have all been very helpful. 
I just can't understand that I have to explain to my sister why this is so upsetting for me. I have sensed for a little while that she thinks it's time I just get over the whole trans thing - she's never said but you can sense it, can't you? She has appeared supportive by visiting and calling regularly but the relationship is complicated. I don't think she has the emotional capacity to empathise. The possible invite/evite to my STBX has caused me a lot of anxiety, stress and pain all of which I didn't need while I'm not in a good place.
I have taken all your comments and advice on board though - I really appreciate them.

The update to all this is that my nephew has decided to call my youngest son to discuss it. Why he has to be drawn into all this I don't know. I called my son to give him the heads up as I have been protecting him from all this upset but he was in total agreement that my STBX (his other parent) should not be invited in any  form. I felt like bursting into tears when my son said that. So we'll see what happens now.

As for encountering trans women.... it will be a long time, if ever, before I feel ok with it. My heart races, I feel unsteady and tears start.... and then I can't stop. 

JKVali,

" I have been told to leave, I have been told to pray harder, I have been told I could go to hell. Idk how to move on and not hurt anyone in the process."

Um no...  just no.    I spent years talking to my priest as my GX cheated with her girlfriend.  How do i save the marriage, how do I get her to stop, what do I do ?

In a sentence... I dont think God meant for us to be in a marriage where we are hurt over and over.. to be abused.    It comes as a shock until other people say it ... that we are abused...I couldn't believe it as first .. I was like ..no she loves me.   Reality was she would say she loves me and in the next minute leave to have sex with her girlfriend.    My fierce loyalty and love for her did not  alleviate the hurt and trauma.  Those religious people saying one must stay in such marriage clearly have not lived in such a hurtful one.    
Even my priest said there was no way I could simply stay and accept this..  

At no point was I  told I would go to hell..  heck I was living in hell already and could not see how hell itself could be any worst.    I commonly refer to my years living with my cheating GX as hell on earth.    

We love them but they hurt us..   Do not join them in hurting yourself..  You did nothing wrong but love fiercely and loyally.   I sleep well at night knowing that in this life and the next I can say I kept all my vows and did all I humanly could for my GX..   I could certainly not have been a sane, stable father to my kids if I stayed in such a marriage.

PS:   I see you referring to your transitioning husband as her.  At first I couldn't understand it... but now I see It shows your love and loyalty.   It shows what kind of person you are.    No..  I do not think such a person is going to hell.

A kind e-hug.. virtual but authentic and full of wishes of strength and fortitude.



 

Hello all, 
Reading everyone's stories, I realise there are other people who are experiencing the same or very similar feelings. This is so comforting to me because I have felt so isolated during this year and occasionally let feelings of self doubt creep in. I don't feel strong at all and long for the day I feel stable enough to function in everyday situations and social gatherings. I say to myself I won't pretend but feel I am pretending most of the time just trying to make it through and for other people's benefit - so they feel better about the situation. I'm not going to do that in 2023.
My sister, who lives abroad, has tried her best but really doesn't have the emotional capacity to offer the support I need and in fact has often caused me more stress and anxiety - see the postings above about my nephew's wedding. I have found that when I attempt to talk to certain friends and family members I very quickly wish I hadn't. Does that sound familiar to anyone? I have very quickly established the 'safe' relationships in my life but have also felt very alone.

I have one very close friend who has been unbelievable through all this. At times, I have felt so low that I haven't wanted to carry on - it would just be easier for everyone, especially my sons, but my friend has kept me going...even when I didn't want to.
I hope everyone on here has someone like that in their life, it's a rare thing.

On the 4th Jan it will be a year since he dropped the trans bomb. I remember it well. I had spent the previous 4 days in bed with a bad dose of Covid and the first day I came out of isolation and transferred to the sofa, still extremely weak, he dropped it. He was euphoric.
'It will bring us closer together',
'I need you to help with my style, make up etc',
'I will take hormones and then eventually have surgery',
'I knew when I was 5, and a teenager and told a friend at 19 years old' were amongst some of the things he said.

I met him when he was 24 and we've been married for 30 years.

So as I look toward the New Year I have decided that I will no longer pretend, that my feelings are just as important as anyone else's and that I'm going to be real.

What about everyone else? If you want, post on here something positive you have decided to do for you, to take care of yourself and your mental well being.